Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Love Revisited

I got this song from this movie. It's entitled "Way Back Into Love":

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need 'em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
(Bridge:) And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
(Bridge 2:) And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Speaking of movies, there's a movie with a strong animal rights-empowerment message. Go watch it!

And I've finished my 30-day challenge (albeit with a pulled left hamstring and doing doubles once a week to replace my absence on Sundays, but YES, I DID IT!), I've submitted for (God-willing!) the Next Big Step in my life. It'll be held here, but while I merrily traipse around before The Big Event (note to self: replace with "chapter 22" at end to finish), I think I might stay here (as I'm told it's cheaper) though I'd prefer this (as I think this is even cheaper), but IT'S FULLY BOOKED, so distance-wise, this looks to be the best bet, though this, on the other hand, seems cheaper and safer, while still being close enough. Ah yes: for directions, Mapquest is truly my best friend, while for reviews, Trip Advisor is it.

But I'm straying. The song above has been on loop in my head since I watched the movie. As cheesy as it looks, I found it to be a truly enjoyable movie. Really. That song, to me, encapsulated the movie's message. And as much as the movie screamed budget flick, I liked the message it conveyed. After all, sometimes, it is these so-called budget flicks that prove to be the diamonds in the rough, so to speak. In this case, I loved the movie's message-in-the-song: To find a way back into love. And love not necessarily in a platonic sense, but love for self, confidence in oneself--enough to take risks, get out of one's shell, take that leap, and GROW.

Love is not what Candace Shapiro in "Good in Bed" said:

"Love," I said, "is the rug they pull out from under you. Love is Lucy always lifting the football at the last second so that Charlie Brown falls on his ass. Love is something that every time you believe in it, it goes away. Love is for suckers, and I'm not going to be a sucker ever again." When I closed my eyes, I could see myself as I was, lying on the bathroom floor, highlights in my hair and makeup on my face, the expensive shoes and fancy clothes and diamond earrings that couldn't keep me safe, couldn't keep the wolf from my door.

"I want a house with hardwood floors," I said, and I don't want anyone else to come inside."
He was touching my hair, saying something. "Cannie," he repeated.
I opened my eyes.
"It doesn't have to be that way."

And I agree with Dr. K: it doesn't have to be that way. Love can be found in many ways, can be found in the everyday, in other beings, such as:

1. good music (be it pop, opera, new age...)
2. organic, (no-preservatives/HFCS/hydrogenated fats) crunchy peanut/soy nut butter and tahini
3. practicing yoga
4. companion animals
5. (early) morning stillness
6. almond essence and cinnamon--the taste and smell of both!
7. blogging and contemplating
8. naps
9. the scent of rain hitting the earth
10. the sound and feel of palms swaying in the breeze
11. the feel and sound of crunchy leaves
12. chili and ginger--the latter especially beneficial to the body
13. finding vibrant colored clothes of good material and fit
14. chamomile, chai (cinnamon with cloves), peppermint and/or rooibos tea
15. tofu and soymilk!
16. edible mushrooms
17. singing/dancing whenever I feel like it
18. sago
19. good books, of whatever genre
20. the sea breeze on my face and grainy sand on my toes

Love is going to the cemetery with my grandma to visit her parents, lighting the candles under the bench because the wind is all around us,
then finding the most ginormous pile of dead, crunchy (oh joy!) leaves, right there to jump into and stomp around in, and
love can be twisted enough to find Aunt Flo visiting on Valentine's Day. A red day, indeed.

Love manifests itself in many ways. It is in us, around us. The above excerpt really just made me ache for Cannie, so much so that even as it ended on a note of hope, I still felt so torn up and maudlin and angsty. It made me think of the past, my past, my regrets, the could-haves and would-haves...but weirdly, I didn't see D there at all. That was a shock. I have no idea what that means, though N may be right in that D was my "token" for my yearning for my past, where it's safe and familiar, where choices don't have to be made yet. But again, the past can stifle. After all, love is also about taking that leap of faith--trusting in myself, in the cosmos, that all will be well.

And indeed, I have taken that leap--for yoga, for myself, for my fragile future. And if I fall short, well, love gives us strength enough to get up and take another leap, another path somewhere else.

But of course, I hope there is enough love, enough faith, to make me reach my goal, reach that outlying star. As the song goes, "if I open my heart again, I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end."

Indeed, indeed.

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