Hopes and Dreams

I recently read this book by Jenna Woginrich, and she is my new hero. She recently wrote about writing your goals and dreams, so here goes.

I am tired of work sometimes that doesn't seem to go anywhere. I toil everyday and everyday it is the same. Maybe it is the stress and the mental fatigue, but I am exhausted and sick more often than I or my husband like. And that tells us that something's wrong. It makes me think of wanting to escape and do something else. Don't get me wrong: I don't hate my present jobs--I love being around my students! But I feel no matter what I do, the situation doesn't change. And I don't know about other people, but that fruitlessness is something that I can't deal with forever. I question my goal of being a teacher because of it: the system, I feel, is harming rather than helping, and that I cannot deal with, nor stomach. But I have to: it is my job, and it is slowly killing my spirit.

So before I lose my pluck and put my head down again, I will say my intention. I want a homestead of our own, with a dog, a cat, chickens, pygmy goats, vegetable and fruit plants, and maybe Angora rabbits, pigs and bees someday. I want to learn how to make butter, cheese, bread, soap and candles, as well as have homemade kombucha; live as off the grid or independently as possible. I want to learn how to play my Strumstick, and play it well. I want to learn how to knit and sew, to make socks and sweaters and beanies for my husband, and make dresses for myself. I want to make cards and paper products (with my rubber stamps and letter press) to supplement the farm, then sell this with our extra eggs and dairy, maybe some candles and soap, and maybe even fruits and vegetables and honey, as well as the occasional knitted product in a farmer's market. Then maybe we can even talk about children, if our bodies are blessed to have them: milky-coffee skin with brown or hazel eyes and black hair, and happy, inquisitive spirits who fear nothing and welcome everything.

And even as I want to eke out a farm existence, I still like to shop, or at least look. But if I can make it myself, then that's what I prefer. I am still a girl who likes shops and working out in a gym, as well as getting a good haircut and color, and the occasional pedicure and massage, but the crowded, expensive city with no room to homestead is beginning to frustrate me and lose its charm on me.

For now, I want this dog. Her name is Jelly Bean. She is a 6-month old rescue dog. Our friend Lisa told us about her. I sent in my application to have her, but I guess I heard wrong about our landlord being ok with dogs; I am still trying to persuade him to think otherwise. I hope I will be successful. Latest update: I'd like to meet this kitty, too. His name is Kai, and hopefully my husband won't be allergic to him, otherwise we have to look at this breeder who charges $600 per kitty. So yeah, methinks rescue animals are still best, costs included!

Let's start with Jelly Bean, and hope my husband and I can get out and hopefully find satisfaction, as well as our place in the sun.

Life Got in the Way

I used to write and post little (and some not-so-little!) ditties and of-the-moments constantly. Granted, I still do, only less profound and more transitory, via the all-knowing, all-encompassing Facebook. But it's not the same.

Life got in the way, that's what.

There are just so many things that happen. So many sundry tasks I never took for granted as they were all done for me in a past life but now no longer. Now I sweep my floors and mop when I can, launder my dirty clothing, clean my bathroom and sinks and everything else. It must get done, and done by me. Other tasks too like finally getting my car fully functional via a plate so I can finally drive and not be driven around. Then there is work. Work to pay the bills, and to get food in my belly. Work so I can continue doing all things myself. Old work, and now newer, more stringent work. Celluloid downloads to get away from it all, in itself a race to be up to date on. And then love: in my boyfriend whom I love more than life, who occupies my thoughts and dreams and hopes and whom I wish I could spend forever with.

So I forget to write. I forget to write about Thanksgiving, my first break in ages, after working 3 jobs. And it was a wonderful time of waking up late and cuddling and snuggling, of eating my fill and maybe more. Christmas is already around the corner: already people are putting up decorations and radios are belting out holiday tunes.

Busy days indeed. This is life: this is my life.

Rainy Day Thursday

One more day to the weekend. Oh please God. I'm getting cranky missing Jess. How come the closer and closer it is to seeing him the more and more acute I feel missing him? That has to make sense, but right now it doesn't, and instead just seems very twisted and perverse.

It's been raining cats and dogs for two days now, moreso today. Dude, WOW. And it's like why can't it be more like this?! Well technically it shouldn't as it means for more humidity, not that it isn't humid enough as it is. But I do like walking in the rain, especially when I'm not super dressed up but in flip flops and going to a job that requires me to sweat anyway, in very little clothing. So yeah. It's fun, I just don't like the bugs and the amphibians that may emerge. Them aside, the rain tends to bring a little quiet and calm and stillness to the busy city, making me reflect and go inward. At the same time, the rain brings happy memories of suspended classes, of childhood listening to the pitter patter of rain against the river stone-lined driveway of my gradparents' home, where I spent my childhood: that earthy smell of rain hitting earth. God I love that smell. It's nice to introspect.

I wish there were a time set aside for us to learn things, then emerge, like from a cocoon, out into the world, ready to succeed, with all the right skills. This rarely happens, if at all, which sucks. I guess we just have to learn along the way. Tough, but I guess we have no choice if we want to succeed: it also makes success all the sweeter. Now to remember that, suck it in and toil on.

As much as things are difficult right now financially, I can't help but feel a little cheery as the weekend draws closer. Even as I recall the quote a friend drew from "Eat, Pray and Love" on letting go:

'Groceries,' Richard says, 'listen to me. Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it -- in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.'
'But I really loved him.'
'Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? this guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. that's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries -- you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh.'
'I'm not laughing.' I was actually crying. 'And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.'
'He probably was. your problem is you don't understand what the word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holdling you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life is just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over[,] Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby -- you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.'
'But I love him.'
'So love him.'
'But I miss him.'
'So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot -- a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in -- God will rush in -- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

I dunno. Does it have to be this way? Can't we settle down with a person and continuously grow and stick it out with him/her? What if that's what I want? What if I think I know who I want to settle down with already, this soon? Holy shit scary thought but yeah. It's like wanting to be with him all the time, seeing him all the time, at the same time, thinking when he's around I don't get anything done, but wanting him near anyway. One question is if it's a mutual thought, but for that only time can reveal. The passage deals with non-attachment, but I like attachment; I think it makes me human, which I am, no denying that. Probably not over-attachment because that's just sad, but yes, attachment, we are earthly beings and have only so little time here in this plane, after all.

So little time: August is around the corner, lots happening then=money spending, too, aii-ya! But yes, also meaning four months in :) Gotta get a good job hopefully soon, to stay, and hopefully it will all be worth it.

Musings on a Late Work Day

Ok, ok, so maybe I am a mellow music girl. Mostly. I've been having this song on repeat in my head that a relative sang that just mesmerized me. It's called Crashing Home:

Storm's raging, now off course to the belly of a whale
the drowning into darkness there is nowhere else to sail

CHORUS: Coughed up on the beach last night, I'm crashing home
I've got nowhere to reach for the light, I'm crashing home

You try to hold me, I'm writhing, we both get beaten black and blue
I hold you, you're smiling, we both learn something true

CHORUS

You pull, I let you, til there's almost no air
I pull, you leave me, we breathe in stale air

CHORUS

You lick my wounds, I bite the hand that feeds me
We pay us back and pretend to love each other sweetly

Bridge: Drop through where the sky is open, I fall through where the questions burn to
where my eyes shine from, to where my heart knows from, to where my soul melts and quenches as hope

CHORUS

...Leastways that's what I heard (no lyrics, maybe I should ask for some, duh)

Anyway. As I looked up into the night sky going back home from doing laundry one evening (I was asked if I felt safe walking late at night and I'm like, well yeah, it's pretty much half a block and what are they going to steal from me: dirty, sweaty, stinky yoga clothes? Good luck with that. But yeah, touch wood anyway), I noticed the moon is again almost full, and it hit me how time truly does fly past. It is already July, and I have not really accomplished much yet. I have moved, true, but that has been a financial drain above all else. Not to mention I've never really cleaned before, and sometimes, sometimes, I think I am allowed to pout, stamp my not-so-little foot and complain that back from where I came from, I had people cleaning for me everyday, never having to worry about a dirty floor or bathroom, and worse, never having to kill roaches, which is what I had to do last night. Roaches: my worst fear. Oh gods. I had to kill one in my bathtub, suffocating it in Oust (TM) and then drowning it in antibacterial liquid soap. Then stepping out and seeing two--count 'em, TWO--roaches, side by side, almost on top of each other (OH GOD WERE THEY MATING????? NOOOOOO) on the hinges of my front door. Oh dude, no. I do not keep food out for the sole purpose of keeping roachies away, and granted, I swept last week, but that's normal for me. But dude, WHY? My neighbor and friend, whose flat I had to camp out in for a while just because I'd rather her over two roaches and a dead one for company, said it's because of the trees (the big ones are tree roaches, she said, but they looked like trash roaches, with the glossy coat and *shudder*), but her flat is closer to a tree than mine, so why did I get roaches and she didn't? Maybe a neighbor's lack of sanitary habits? I.don't.know. Seriously, though? GROSS-O. So yeah, I slept with the lights on, because I was told lights keep them at bay. Shit, I'll go for that. I might have to wait for more funds before doing anything regarding bait/extermination, but I guess I can go looking for future funding. Er. Yeah. And maybe look into going back to "school" in the future: I think I can handle it. Right now, though, there is that roach cadaver in my tub, so I guess I should clean. Oh dammit. Maybe in a while. Nyar. Then there are frames to buy, and a bedspread and tablecloth and mebbe hooks, and man I looked at friend's bathroom and hers looked so much better than mine: I felt mine looked ghetto next to hers... :-( I feel I can be more girly, so I feel I am failing somehow (and not financially, though I am improving at it: sucks to have to be patient and save, though: I never had to do it before: oh well, time to start, right?) So many things to do, so little money. Hopefully things will change for the better.

*********************

Just finished reading these comics my lovely (beloved) boyfriend lent me, and yeah those was good readin'. It's amazing how the human mind can conjure ideas up, string them together to make a story, or even an anthology. Beautiful. Reminds me how I like to write, too, and how my imagination can run wild (though sometimes not in a good way). Stories remind us of our humanity. The human mind is a great wonder, I think so. It houses our emotions and feelings, which come not from the heart, but from our mind, though it does sound more poetic to say I love you from the bottom of my heart rather than (I love you) from the bottom of my hypothallamus. And even that is something we created, our thought processes, our discernment. How do beings think, though? How do we express them? Moreover, we may not the only beings who think and express as we do. But that...wow, that can be an eternal question. Now to answer if it is one we would like to think about forever.

Indeed life is short and time is swift, and we choose how we shape it. I look around and right now, my existence is so different from what I was used to. Then again, now it is also shaped of my sweat (literally), my work, not anyone else's (ok, mostly). It has barely begun. It is difficult and scary standing up on my own new legs, and sometimes the ground looks so near, so familiar, so inviting. But that is giving in. Not just yet. With time, hopefully with support, no, standing up and then learning to walk and run are the goals. One step at a time.

I (kinda) figured it out

I shouldn't open my heart too much, but guard it. Maybe I like him too fast, too much. I don't know why, and he seems to like me, too, but I don't want to be devastated again. It's painful, and crushing.

Laundry. Feeling congested. Hopefully tomorrow (or later) is better. I teach the noon and 4:30: those are usually good energy classes. Then take 6:30? Maybe, maybe. Hopefully eating should be scaling down, too.

But yeah, gotta protect my heart. Never be too vulnerable. And do I need to talk to him later? Maybe I should hold out. It hurts too much to be so open. As much as it is beautiful and exhilarating, it hurts. I don't like getting hurt. Then again, there is that common sentiment that love is a roller coaster ride: full of highs and lows, thus it can't be love without these extremes. I dunno. I can be passionate, but it can be too intense, I guess: the lows too low. Maybe I should step away from this first, see if he misses me, see if he feels similarly, at least. 'Coz it'll hurt even more if he doesn't, and that, that I might not bear as easily, bounce back from as unscathed. I love him so much it's scary. Now to step back, and see his side, maybe. Burrow myself in work, in yoga, in reading, whatever else maybe. Maybe? Again, I dunno. Oh God the ache. Oh God the drama? Maybe I wanted it: maybe I told the universe I wanted something different for a change, but still good. But now, enough, make it good times again!

I should turn in soon. A good thing about being sad is I usually have much less desire to eat. That and not do anything else, though, so oh well. I have stuff to think about. Scratch that. I need sleep. Yes. And yoga.

Job interview #2. It's a ways out, past the loop, so hopefully they'll give me a good offer. I need all the luck and prayers, so storm heaven, please--regarding Jess, regarding employment. Incidentally, I got told off by my boss, that I should study to get better, that mistakes should no longer happen, yadayada. I resent that, but he is right, I just wish he said it better. But it is what it is. We shall see.

Plan Z

Let's start over, shall we? I want to think it's possible, and it IS, to start anew, a clean slate, the past erased. Let's try it, once more. And if fear erupts, so be it, if rejection arrives, it is not my fault, nor someone else's, but perhaps a past fear, a personal hell. It all must boil down to truth and love, and ah yes forgiveness. To forgive myself and forgive others. I'm not bad, nor are you. It was my reaction, your reaction to a situation. Nor will I be bad in future, or if I think I am, to step back, and say it's ok. It's going to be ok. The future is the future; what is here now is the present: live it, love it, enjoy it. The future is just, if not more, impulsive than her sister Present. She can thus be dealt with later.
What about love? Love is masked by the stronger Fear. The what ifs, the maybes and maybe NOTs, rejection, NO. But then so what? I must know and constantly tell myself it's not my fault, nor is it theirs. It's maybe the wrong person, the wrong time, or perhaps again personal hell. What if I want to say the L-word, LOVE, but then FEAR comes in to block it? Banish fear. If love is rejected, so be it; love must never come from someone or something else but from WITHIN. So yes SAY IT.
What about truth? Truth must be the basis, along with love. Because when the truth hurts, love is there to take the sting away, and say it's going to be ok.
So a clean slate is in order. And whatever happens, happens: it's going to be OK. Just don't give up. No saying uncle. The fat lady isn't even up yet. It ain't over 'til you (I) say it is. And then what? Always, always start fresh.

Dreams for Plans

A friend told me to think about stuff long term, including partner, job, etc. So far, I've smoothed things out with said partner, who is ever so awesome and understanding and downright sweet, even in the middle of me PMS'ing and bitching and being a mass of insecurity. As for my job, I love it, but have been beginning to lose steam from the long demanding hours and little pay. Like what a colleague/friend said, it's just a job and not a career; the same thing applies to mine. I am seriously thinking of, once learning how to drive and moving out, of applying for internships in Houston, either in PR or Publishing. 'Coz I like to write, and have a degree in Communications, and a minor in Literature. Plus a 9-5 job will have benefits (moreso) and will most definitely pay more. And being a yoga teacher just ain't cutting it at the end of the month. Man I hate scrimping from day to day now, especially when something had struck my fancy and I have to worry til the next paycheck, and sometimes even after that. And I want to live here and succeed, not move back "home." Besides, I have no intention of running a studio: I want to just continue teaching, so for now that will have to mean part time teaching, and another job in the meantime: a better paying one. The only challenge I see right now is I have a non-US degree; hopefully I can hurdle this with an internship. And maybe a crash course in Web Design? Plans, plans. Hopefully I can do this by the end of the year. My aunt said, though, that the hardest job is the first, and even if I don't know how to drive yet to look, NOW, no more procrastinating, even if I have to take a cab to work, and even if the first job is not what I *want*-want. Yikes, but I guess if that's what it takes...? Ok, now to get my suits and nice blouses and shoes from Manila...

One thing still going for me, I guess, is that I'm only 23 (almost 24) and am still relatively young. Won't be forever, though, so gotta get moving. I remember what my boss told me to think about back when I first got here and was freaking out and being all scared: Where do I see myself 3 years from now? I don't know: teaching yoga full-time was it, but now is not so, anymore. Living in the US, though, is still the desire. So gotta make it work.

Aside from Bikram yoga, I'm also starting to like climbing. And hiking. Crap I want to do them again. And I want to get gear. Double, triple crap.

And advanced yoga classes, now that I was taught full camel and pigeon. I need to do that at least once. And finally ease my mind about taking class before teaching; gotta learn if I want to have a regular practice. Then maybe I can also get out of this munchy funk and lose weight again. Dammit.

April to Spring

It's April already. God, how time flies. Honestly, I had no idea that when you are immersed in work, in living, everything else gets blurred along the way...or can be blurred, unless you make a conscious effort for it not to.

So basically, it's been work, work, work. I love my job. And it's more than a job, after a while. It's my vocation, my profession. It also helps that we are required to practice in the hot room, as well. There are days harder than others, and more exhilarating, but I guess that's just how life is, in general, with highs and lows, so you can differentiate between, and appreciate, each one.

The weather has also changed drastically, at least here in Houston: from 40-50 at night, to 60, now to 70-75 (Fahrenheit). I went out last night to help a colleague, and I remarked at the change in temperature. Of course, that also translates to the hot room, so it's been really humid. And it can only get more humid, and hotter, not of our doing, but according to Mother Nature's (and global warming's) whims. Woo-hoo, this will be interesting.

My lolo (Mom's dad) passed away last March 28 (Philippine time; March 27, Central Time). Eerily, I had had a nightmare of him dying that morning, and waking up to hear he wasn't doing well was just a bad joke turned wrong. I went into a panic, asking my boss if I could leave, but with stuff going on in the studio and now being a full-time teacher teaching bigger classes, she couldn't afford to let me go. So I stayed, much to my parents' dismay, something to which they are still reproaching me for. How I see it is, if you tried, and couldn't, leave it at that. However young I am, I have lived long enough to understand that. I wish they understood that, too. They have such high expectations, especially on those closer to them, not knowing that those selfsame expectations can drive those people away, like me. And now I have to be home for my granddad's 40th day. Fine, even if that cuts earlier into my work week, removing my days off, but I draw the line when it cuts into an actual work week, where to make it work, I will have to move three teachers, some on their day off, and my schedule becoming an utter mess, of course. Heck, if I found a flight online, why can't the travel agent do so? So no more, especially not when my mother is screaming at me from across the world, laying the guilt, now the silent treatment. No more, after 24 years of it. And the silence? It's great: no more asking me where I am when I'm out with friends and don't have to work 'til 6 the next evening. Nor will you know I will be moving outside of the studio until I have done so (if ever, which hopefully will be a yes, around the Fall). Money will be tighter, but that is my business, and it's a part of growing up: I've gotta deal with it sometime. Crap's been falling the truckload this month, too: Two (or one, as the other is on hiatus) senior full-time teachers are leaving by the end of the month to pursue a well-paying job teaching English overseas, and our boss (director) is not willing to let them go, but to get the job, they have to leave by the end of the month, hence the tension. This, and other personality clashes sometimes (i.e. yoga drama), so not a pretty scenario right now in the studio.

Also did a driver's permit test last Saturday: got a 95 (unbelievably easy?!) Pretty soon, I will learn how to drive (fingers crossed)! :-) Also did my taxes (W-2) for the 1st time, and got my voter's registration. Can't wait. I just tried these two new protein powders for breakfast today...needless to say, I am switching back to my old one when I get the chance. Ok, fixin' now to deposit some money, get my nails done, before teaching this afternoon. Gotta get.

February, Φεβρουάριος, 2 月, febrero, fevrier, febrraio, febrar, whatever.

It's been a long time since I've written (Heath Ledger died!); things have just been sooooo busy! It's almost unbelievable, actually. I still have some time before I teach, so I figured now would be a good time to un-procrastinate and actually write!

I last wrote-wrote before I left Houston. And now I'm back in Houston, with a month plus-plus in between as writing hiatus. It is hard to get an act once it is put off; it is no longer habit, you see. So on this day of hearts, I have chosen to write--to send love not to one but to all who have shown me love, in various forms.

Before anything else, big news (but since last year): I am no longer vegan. My colleagues know this, and so do my parents, but I am saying it now. I am sure my parents are relieved and happy, but I credit it to teaching Bikram yoga. Honestly? Bikram is absolutely correct: this yoga is not for vegetarians. Maybe I just wasn't doing veganism right, but it gets too hard after a while, plus with living on your own. I need protein when I am up in that stage and telling people what to do with energy, assertion and a happy, smiling face! Also, to remember and assimilate the dialog? Vegetables just don't cut it. And carbs in the morning before class? Flatulence city, so no thank you. Protein--in the form of whey (thanks, Lynn!), fish, and the occasional fowl, have helped me improve--and continue improving--exponentially. Plus it cut the snacking and junk food out, so there you go. As to the rest of veganism, sorry, but I detest insects; I avoid killing them, but I will use repellent if necessary. Leather is still an issue with me, as is silk to a lesser degree, but I'm ok with wool, as long as it was done humanely (no mulesing). Gasoline and jet fuel is necessary, too: can't avoid that. I am still open to veganism, but at this point in time, it just takes too much time and effort. So maybe someday in the future...

What really bites about going back home--to the Philippines (because Houston is home too but different)--is the travel time. And leaving during the holidays is pure, utter CHAOS, to put it mildly. An hour-long delay in San Francisco cost me my connecting flight to Hong Kong and I had to stay the night in the airport hotel, after hours of running around looking for someone to help me get a flight to Manila. But all's well that ends well: through pleading, prayer, and what-have-you, I got on a plane to Manila the next day. However, that experience kind of put me off holiday traveling, especially Christmas, so I don't even want to think about this year's holidays! But anyway. I'm back, in Houston. And believe it or not, I am only getting back into the groove of things. My first class back was awkward, but it's gotten better, especially when I am a student in another class, myself. I am grateful for how pure the yoga is taught here, enhancing my own classes; things aren't as great elsewhere (I should know). Hopefully, I'm back to stay.

I told this to Joani, but I love Houston: I love the pace, the people, the immense possibilities that can be had, right here. There is that saying, "Everything's big in Texas," and it is the immenseness of possibility, of people's hearts, I think, in this warm Southern state that make it big. I especially like the neighborhood I'm in: right near downtown (though I've never really been there except this one night to listen to a band with Ana), near Rice U, with funky shops around (Gamestop, Whole Earth, and Teahouse tapioca included!), and Wholefoods a good walk away--enough to look around and reflect. Having Whole Foods nearby is spoiling me to only look for fresh, organic produce! But I guess that's best for the long run: we're talking about our bodies, after all. OK, so the weather can be a bit nuts (going from a pleasant 70 Fahrenheit to a miserable 45 in hours, if not minutes), but it's a part of this state's identity. At least gas is a bit cheaper, and taxes aren't as astronomical as California's. But...I don't know: there is a "6th sense," a sort of radar one has if a place, a situation "feels" right, or wrong. Ever since I've started traveling on my own, and especially now, living on my own, I have come to rely on it and not discount it. There are certain places that have a weird feel, and I avoid that place if on my own, and there are places that just give a warm vibe, and I am at ease. The place I'm in...is great, and Houston itself, even with its immensity, matches itself with a big heart, so far from what I've seen and felt, however kooky that may sound. And I like it here. A lot. Not to mention I work in a good place, surrounded by good people. The yoga is taught the way it should be; people are (mostly) oh so kind and supportive. As I told a colleague, why mess with something good? It's been harder on my parents having me so far away (my boss knows what I'm talking about!), and there were tears on both sides when it became apparent I wanted a life away from the home I grew up in, but there was some reluctant acceptance. Besides, I wouldn't have decided so if the situation weren't good. But it is. Things are still a bit rough around the edges--growing always is (if it's not, something will present itself later on, so better earlier than later, I think), but I am blessed with supportive parents and great colleagues who treat me like family, thank the gods. Armed with these, I can only grow onward and upward :-) Next up, to learn how to drive. Especially in Houston, this is an essential skill! Then maybe we'll see about web design and holistic nutrition in the future. My parents are all for it, and I told them not to buy me any more stuff: an education is one of the most important gifts; I am glad my parents think so, too.

And because Ralph tagged me: "List 10 things that make you happy"

1. backbends
2. music, music, music.
3. walking, wandering, however you call it.
4. browsing/shopping
5. taking my time
6. engaging in happy conversation
7. dogs (and of course puppies!)
8. order and neatness
9. flowers
10. efficiency

Y'all can create your own list of 10 that make you happy, then tell me :-)

From Houston with love,
Therese (Trissa)

Closing Cycles

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Closing Cycles
by Paulo Coelho
Saturday, May 13, 2006.

Stuff.

Mailed my extra books already to my aunt. We were talking about achy stuff during cold weather, and my right knee hurts sometimes when it's cold, and now, it's 30-40 Fahrenheit (about 5 Centigrade) here :-s OhmyGOD. I should've bought a pair of gloves and a hat, but by that time, coming from Wholefoods, I wanted to look at the ones in Whole Earth, but I wasn't feeling well anymore: I had eaten a sausage patty (gasp!) with a Belgian waffle and some whipped butter and some eggs (with salt and tomato ketchup, of course) for lunch, with some fresh OJ and a slice of lemon meringue pie (ok, just the crust and the lemon jello: the meringue was soft and sickly sweet) and I got a case of the runs. I didn't have milk, so it couldn't be that. My friend Angie thinks it's the pork; I was feeling the need for something more solid, so I ate the sausage patty: boy am I still regretting it now. Just fish and eggs and tofu, I guess. Oh, man. Speaking of food, my aunt went to this chi-chi place that had uniformed wait staff and a piano playing, $42 a head, she said. Yikes. There was caviar, but she said it wasn't anything special for her. And I quote: "They have Caviar. I don't understand what the big deal is about those little round things. Nothing that I can think of. Tasted it and then next......They had rock crabs, shrimp, freshly made sushi, salmon, lobster in little cups with something mixed in it, salad galore, grilled portobello mushroom, onions and eggplant, mussels, oysters , omelet bar and so many things." Whoo, sounds good! But different strokes for different folks, I guess. Speaking of portobello mushroom, I bought some today at Wholefoods with goat cheese and sundried tomatoes. Also got creamed garlic spinach, and crab cakes, with thousand-island dressing sauce on the side, I think: not sure. Sounds good, huh??? :-)

I was looking at spending Easter (vacation #3) with my aunt: was figuring 5 days would be good: maybe March 17-21, Holy Monday to Good Friday, or Monday to Saturday, 17-22? Whatever. And this time I'm getting a direct flight! Man: switching planes is taxing! :-/ Plus she won't be going back to work yet, so we can paint the town red ;)

I was thinking of what my parents were telling me about people wanting to take a class under me, and I thought of space heaters: I need to get some: I can't teach a cold class, it's not allowed, especially beginning students. And maybe a little air purifier so the room won't smell of sweat: that's what Pye does in her little studio-room. Was looking at Honeywell, at this baby, at Livingincomfort.com, and at EdenPure. Need need need these.

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Had a weird dream in which I was friends with the Dalai Lama and we were riding up and down this hospital elevator, and I questioned him about the Tibetan religion and why death is such a big part of it and he said I was...not insulting...superceding...something like disrespecting, the core essence of their religion, their reason for being, and he shut me out of the elevator?! Then the dream shifted and in flashback it turned out I had a daughter at a very young age, and life was hard for me (still set in the same hospital), and supposedly my parents disapproved and were unsupportive. And I was constantly trying to make ends meet, running away from my evil lecherous boss. Then I woke up. Weird. By the way, my daughter's name was Sophie/Sofie, I made sure of that. And I remembered thinking the day before that I would want to name a daughter that if I ever had one. So weird.

And NWN 2 is coming to the Mac!!! Woot!

In any case, I'm tired: taking class was good for my (sinus) headache, but my nose is still dripping. So I should get some rest. 4 more days!!!!

Post-Thanksgiving Updates

Just got into Houston from my little vacation in San Diego. I got to eat too much, sleep as much as I wanted to, play and cuddle with dogs, watch tv and the occasional movie, go to the mall (an outdoor i.e. animal-friendly one), and even try something completely different: I got to ride a motorbike, oh excuse me, a Harley. I've been getting antsy progressively with each day without yoga. No Grey's Anatomy: no time! I'll squeeze in as much viewing time as possible tonight, before having to prepare to teach.

We spent Thanksgiving at my cousin's house. Very nice. Thanksgiving feels like the way Christmas used to feel: sans gifts, just talking and sharing and eating. It was nice. Had cornbread for the first time. Ohmygod YUMMY. Then my cousin Maribel's husband Brent has a HUGE audio-visual system in their basement: it's like being in a theater. And he has a room for a cellar. Seriously.

And yeah, for now, I'm hanging up my vegan coat, though still keeping vestiges. No dairy if possible, for instance, just because my allergies flare up and my stomach gets upset when I ingest dairy; no white rice/bread: brown rice/bread instead; no meat i.e. four-footed/winged animals. But I'm caving in to fish, especially salmon and sardines..and maybe eggs sometimes. No caviar if I can avoid it: too rich. No anchovies, either: not good for my blood type. And of course, tofu will still always have a place in my stomach. Living on my own with no kitchen and having a very small sink leaves much to be desired as a vegan. Too difficult, in the end, denigrating to my being a junkfood vegan, eating more processed food, something I was always against. So veganism will have to wait in the wings for now. Ever since I started ingesting animals again, I felt better, less bloated, clearer, more grounded. I started going vegan to detoxify my body, to bring balance to it. Perhaps this time I need to tip the balance back to include some animal-sourced food. So we'll see how this goes.

Anyway. Where was I. Oh yeah: the bike ride. It's different from riding a car, or walking. When you round a curve, it's like you curve along with the road: you and the bike are one. Plus with the wind in your face, it's a different experience altogether.

Then there will be a Bikram yoga studio opening this winter in Bonita, right next to the post office. It was supposed to open this fall, but I guess there were still things that needed to be done. Seriously, Bikram yoga keeps me sane: it keeps my moods more or less regular: heck, I was even thinking about my dialog while I was on the bike! Ninang Nilo said I should check out employment at the Bonita studio when it opens, but since I've been exposed to Houston, I find I like the Texan pace more. People are a bit more laid back, a lot more gracious, and prices are also a bit cheaper! Plus I've more or less so far found good in Houston: Mike and Joani have only been kind, and they have not let up on encouragement at the same time keeping my nose to the grindstone, dialog-wise, but still giving me space. It's difficult to explain. Plus the work environment seems like a family's, actually, which is a wonderful surprise. Anyway, at this point in time, things can change, hopefully for the better. We'll see how it goes. It still remains that Mike and Joani are senior teachers, and (I feel) THE senior teachers to learn from; I feel so fortunate to be training and working under them. The driving and other forms of income will come later: I acknowledge they are very important, if I want to continue teaching yoga for a living. But at this point in time, I am a teacher, and that is my priority: to teach flawless dialog, with panache, and confidence and verve. Everything else can come after.

Purchase-wise, I'm waiting for Dad's Vilebrequin burgundi paisley okoa shorts, and the last of the 4 Christmas CD's I ordered, to add to the Cafe del Mar CD, Sopranos DVDs, the Qtips, floss and tweezers. For myself, I'm waiting for my Skinny Jeans (I hope they really make my legs look thinner, geez!), an all-purpose vegan cookbook, and...my new MacBook, woohoo! With all the fixin's, of course. I can't wait.

I'm fixin' to go to bed as I'm pretty tuckered out. By the way, do y'all like Boston terriers? I find them absolutely precious li'l things, as seen in the above picture.

Alright, maybe I can still squeeze in some Grey's time...or not. Over and out!

Daylight Saving Ends

...or ended, today. There's a saying that goes, "Fall back, spring forward." Or something like that, pertaining to DST. So it being fall, we got an extra hour of sleep. Yey! Daylight Saving resumes on March 9, 2008. There's a new law that states: "Beginning in 2007, Daylight Saving Time is extended one month and begins for most of the United States at 2 a.m. on the Second Sunday in March and lasts until 2 a.m. on the First Sunday of November. The new start and stop dates were set in the Energy Policy Act of 2005." From this site.

Have a cold sore, and have had it for about three days now. Or longer, But the past three days have made licking my lips or talking a bit painful. Argh. This site says to avoid arginine-rich foods and encourages lysine. It also says this sore can stay for up to four weeks?! Holy cow. I guess I just need to hydrate more.

I've been enjoying my weekly Bleach anime/manga and Grey's Anatomy. Derek Shepherd is still very, very cute, with his sad expressive eyes. The latest episode of Grey's Anatomy was especially nice when the guy having conscious open-heart surgery(!) was describing his "audience, " likening them to birds as per Izzie's suggestion. Got all fuzzy and sappy. Argh. I am feeling every part of my singlehood. But I figure it best to wait for the right person to come along, my very own Mr. Darcy. I've been debating about this for a while now, and I figure that financial stability, familial support, little to no complications, i.e. a stable future, is better than passion, and crazy-powerful emotions, instant gratification, i.e. the here and now: that can come later (and hopefully will!). So I figure I'll suck up my hormones and crazy emotions (angst, weird loneliness, over-introspection) and just bide my time. [Besides, if I make an effort to make contact and don't get anything in response, I guess that says something, ne?]

Retail-wise, I got some facial products from Mario Badescu which I hear is really good. I also got literature for type A in the Blood Type Diet: we'll see how that goes. Then just got my Yoga Toes, and tried them on. They act like braces for teeth, only they're for the feet. That's how they feel, at least. Then got the first season of I Love Lucy. Watched the first two episodes: ohmyGod so funny: Mom wasn't kidding. Ricky Rickardo and Lucy Rickardo. Ooh! I forgot to mention a gift Stefan and Mercy (fellow teachers) gave me over the weekend: an actual Shit List! It's hilarious: there's a portion of it that says "Plan of Attack: Confront/Ignore/Stew/Avenge/Talk Shit" Too cute! [Story: Someone had said, "That person's on my list." And I said, "What list?" And person referred to The Shit List, and I was still clueless!]


For future ka-chings, I'm looking at Skinny Jeans, this brand that promises to "scoop out thighs, lengthen legs, tuck in (the) tummy, and shape out (the) butt." Sounds good to me! Of course, I am super excited to order the MacBook for Christmas, oh man. Then gotta get some Christmas music for Mom & Dad, as well as real good tweezers, Q-tips, and dental floss. Mustn't forget those. Lately, I told Mom about these yummy, tart-tasting beans from Wholefoods, and the ingredients are: gigande beans, canola oil, olive oil, lemon juice, parsley, garlic, thyme, salt, and pepper. Delish. Maybe we can try making them during the holidays. And speaking of holidays, 18 days to Thanksgiving, 18 days to the end of my first 60-day challenge, 18 days to a little vacation to San Diego with Ninang Nilo! Exciting!

Teaching-wise, the week went off to a rocky start: I taught the Monday 12 nn and 4:30 pm. The 4:30 was a pretty big class and I was not able to manage the class, stumbling on my words and at times saying the wrong thing. I was so bummed out about it as this hadn't happened to me in a while, and I told Mike so, and then we figured I was doing too many things too soon. First of all, I do not correct yet, instead focusing on the dialog: that should be able to correct most people. Next, I should NOT leave the stage (except to check the count): in Mike's words, "You are nailed to that stage." Then of course, to constantly improve my dialog mastery, some ways being to take teachers with strong dialog, and to tape my classes, reviewing them after.

Prior to this, however, I had not been sleeping well, getting really exhausted and dropping off to bed right away, say 11 pm, only to wake up around 3 or 4 am to do laundry, fold towels, shower, brush my teeth, remove my contact lenses, that sort of thing. Only then would I go back to bed, and of course I'd wake up again exhausted, over and over again. On the 5th night/6th day (Tuesday, coincidentally the day after I had that bad 4:30 class), I woke up and decided to stay up. And I was wide awake: I helped Mike out with his 6 am class, and then retreated to the lounge to practice my dialog, have some breakfast. Somewhere in between though, I started getting sleepy, and told myself, "what's the harm in having a little nap?" I set an alarm, and that was that. Next thing I knew, Mike was pounding on my door, and when I opened it at 8 am, asked if I was teaching the 8 am. I was still too befuddled to think straight, but I changed into yoga clothes right away, and went out. Mike asked me if I was ready to teach class, but it was pretty obvious I wasn't, and he was furious (in his words, "very upset, dammit"), justifiably so. [Story: he had thought I was awake as I was awake for the 6 am so he and Annemarie didn't bother checking up on me 'til it was about 7:58. As for me, I didn't hear my alarm, and where I usually set 3, this time I set 1. Oops.] It took a while to sink in, but when it did, I was shaken to the core. This was my worst nightmare come to life. I called Joani, Roy, Stefan, and Andrea, telling them what happened, too distraught to say anything else. Then I buckled down by the desk and studied dialog. After, I was set to teach my (supposed) 2nd class, and I couldn't even bring myself to look at Mike in the hallway, much less speak to him. That class I stayed on the stage, and stuck to the dialog. And I taught a good class (Stefan took it and told me so, though he said I should beef up my floor postures): I hardly stuttered, if at all, even giving a good introduction. Afterwards, I got messages of assurance from Roy and Joani, [Joani] telling me that everyone has missed a class at one point or another, so to not be too hard on myself. Plus it was the day before Mike was leaving for teacher training, so that must have also put some pressure. Also, that we should set up an appointment  for me with Jie Bo, the resident acupuncturist. Afterwards, Joyce (Joani's sister, also a fellow teacher and the assistant director at Fountain View) came over and reassured me, too (Roy told her). She also gave me candy from Lala from Mexico. They're milky, caramelly, like pastillas de leche from Manila. Yum. Might just bring the rest for Mom. Incidentally, Mike came by, too, but I was still too scared to approach him since the morning's faux pas. Andrea and I were emailing the whole time, and she was telling me to call him to apologize, because I wanted to apologize; I was just too scared to. Instead, I emailed him. I told Jack about it, too. I was writing the email down to give to Mike (that's as close as I could get) when Mike came in and went up to me. That was all I needed: if he was willing, so was I. I said sorry, and he said he knew I didn't intend to do that (faux pas), and we hugged, and I cried a bit (He said, "you've got something in your eye" and hugged me. Aw.). Good ending from a bad start.

That night, I followed Andrea's suggestions to stay in bed, and keep a straight sleep cycle. It was a bit tough to break the bad habit of sleeping and waking up and sleeping again, but I did it, and it made a big difference. That plus staying on the stage, etc: the rest of my classes were a LOT better. Incidentally, on Thursday, I taught a 6 am & 8 am class. 6 am classes, Mike told me, require a lot of energy. My previous 6 am's were not that good, hence him picking it back up for me. So this was my 1st one without him in a while. And to my surprise and delight, it went fine. Even better, a student (Mike W) told me after that that was the first class where he did ALL postures! How cool is that. :)

This weekend was a lazy, 3-day break. I could've done more. No bike rides, just the Internet, and the bed, and a Thai dinner on the side (with Andrea, Ben, and Annemarie). Oh well. Maybe next time. I actually really should. But we'll see. That bike looks scary. Oh well. 'Til next time.

Rosy Day

Reason Why, Rachael Yamagata

My deep secret:
Until there is this ache in the pit of my belly
until my body quakes to its very core
I still reach out to you

and yet,

and yet.

are you already gone?
Are we too far gone?

I thought we were.

Are we really?
Should we, do we have to (be)?*

*Ignore me--I'm just getting sentimental.
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Two days ago, something...odd? happened. I was set to teach at 10 am and 12 noon, so when I woke up at 7:15, I was pretty complacent. I puttered around, helping out at the front desk. The next class was at 8 am, and when by 7:45 the teacher who had switched with the original teacher set to teach hadn't arrived yet, I told the front desk person (Jack), and he called the teacher. Meanwhile, my director (Mike) wasn't pleased at what was happening, firstly because he wasn't informed of the switch, and which exactly led to the hullaballoo that was happening. It turned out that said teacher's alarm didn't go off, so Mike just said he'll teach class. Uh-oh. Then he turned to me, and said, "On second thought, can you teach it for me instead? You'd be doing me a huge favor, but if you can't, I can still teach it." What to do but say yes? And just like that, the humongous headache I had woken up with disappeared. With 15 minutes to go before class, no breakfast, no preparation whatsoever, ergo no time to get nervous(!), I went in there to teach. And I taught. And surprisingly, it went fine. WHOA?! My voice was a bit low and hoarse at times, but other than that, it went okay. I was set to teach the 10 am and 12 noon; that teacher took my 10 am class instead and I taught the 12 noon, and before that class, one of my students (Josie) came up to me and demanded "energy; I don't care what you say, but give me ENERGY!" And dammit, I think I did, which was pretty sweet.

Then yesterday was my day off. I went a little exploring...and checked out the nail salon across the street, which apparently also does waxing! Reasonable prices; I was only too happy to have stuff done there. I even got a hot stone massage on my legs after my pedicure, and a regular kneading massage on my shoulders and arms after my manicure! Nice. Afterwards, I checked out Brazos Bookstore a few doors down, which turned out not to be a Hispanic bookstore, but a regular, independent little bookstore! Very nice. It's a perfect place to just hang out and read in; they even had a little rocking chair, how sweet is that!

Back in the studio, my Dr. Schulze order arrived. Sweet! Then I remembered it was pay day, and I checked, and yes indeedy, I got my first paycheck. Very nice. It was such a good day, and banking on that, I gathered up the courage to call my bestest-but-no-longer-in-contact-with friend (Denee) up. We had a nice chat, to my surprise and delight. Hope we can chat sometime, or maybe even meet one of these days: she's in Austin, which isn't that far. Then I prepared for class, but class was canceled: the heat apparently wasn't working! The desk person (Annemarie) and I were at our wits' end, setting the heat up high, even calling Mike as well, but to no avail. So we canceled the last class, had to give out a free class to those who came to show up. Mike came up, and checked why this was occurring. It turned out that someone had flipped the toggle behind the stage, which was an emergency switch to turn the heat off. Dang. So Andrea (another desk person who had planned to take class) and I just had dinner at Mission Burritos instead (where I had a sangria-margarita swirl: yum!), and then hung out at her apartment afterwards, where we played with her kitties (Meadow and Wednesday) and fiddled around with facebook then watched Spanglish, haha.

Today, I started my Dr. Schulze products, which though great, taste horrible *shudder* Then I practiced my first back-to-back double. I was worried about how I'd fare in the second class, but to my surprise, I didn't have to sit out any posture, and most of my postures were more stable and I could go deeper into them! My backbend was better, though in my second set of the 3rd part of awkward I fell forward as I was coming out of it; my standing bow was deeper than I've ever done, and in the second set, I didn't fall out AT ALL; my floor bow was the deepest I ever had: I was rolling forward and my legs were WAY up; in camel, I saw my TOES; and in stretching pose, I'm just being able to go down more and more. Super super sweet. So yeah. Then talked to Mom and Dad not soon after. Very nice. Now to get ready to teach my 6:30 class (little to no stuttering and GREAT energy and be in COMMAND), and go with Mercy to watch Elizabeth: the Golden Age after. I'm hoping for the best.

Seriously, though, it's been just so great here. With great bosses and colleagues so far (touch wood!), and the ease of pretty-much-secure online shopping--having something you order come in without any worries (again, touch wood!), if I can really support myself here, maybe with a freelance writing job on the side or whatever, this city is looking more liveable by the second. Hopefully it can only get better and better.

To end--something that must be seen to believe (and enjoy!): http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html

3rd Week Rollercoaster

Ta-da!

I am on my 3rd week of teaching here in Houston. I'm also on my 2nd week of the 60-day challenge, which I will hopefully complete! The 60-day challenge imposes a strict discipline on yourself (regardless of if you ate a lot, etc), at the same time improving your practice step by individual step, inclusive of aching body, energy spike and then plunge, and clearer mind. So so far, so good. As for my teaching, for a while, I wasn't progressing: it was sort of stagnating and I'd feel desperate and weak after class, going back to stuttering the poses more. Then one day, Mike set me aside and made me hear an opening of one of my recent classes. And ohmygod I sounded weak and small and uncertain and afraid: NOT in control. And he said concernedly, "THAT is horrible." He told me to be smiley and bouncy and CONFIDENT from the get-go, take control from the very start. In short, kick their asses even from half-moon, and my energy will pick up, so much so that even if I stutter, it will hardly be noticeable. He said, "Think about how you were when I first got an iMac: you should be that happy in class." He even had it saved in voicemail, he said it was that cute! "Pure delight," he said it was. He told me I could practice in my room how to go into class, starting strong, half-moon, etc, and I did, and ever since then, my classes have been pretty good, less stuttering, more energy and command. I'm the teacher: I've got to take charge after all. Because as Mike pointed out, if I won't, who will? Definitely not the students! So I've got to take charge, be in control, at times even be a little pushy and less merciful, almost not giving a damn as they "suffer." So yeah.

Coincidentally, though, that day I decided to pick up the pace a bit, I got a newbie who turned out to be having a rough time in class. She first left during triangle pose, but after leaving during tree pose/toe stand, she didn't come back. But she didn't look ashen, so I figured the heat/humidity was too much for her. I didn't give it much thought 'til after class, when we saw her at the lobby seated on a bench, with her eyes clenched shut and breathing shallowly. Turns out she hadn't eaten anything before class, instead drinking a liter (or was it a gallon?) of water with a quarter teaspoon of sea salt. What the heck: this induces one to throw up. Not only that, but she takes Abuterol, a powerful anti-asthma medication which she takes not for asthma (she doesn't have asthma!) but for her running. What the ****. Then she started shaking, and didn't stop. We offered her a mint to get some sugar into her system, and she took that, then we offered her a banana, a slice of bread, but no dice. Then we gave her some Emergen-C, but she hardly drank it. I called Jack in a panic, but Annemarie did better and called Mike. So he came and was better at handling the situation than I was: I was a bundle of taut nerves, gnawing my lip, my nails, short of wringing my ice-cold hands. He called 911, but was super cool about the whole thing. When she was given oxygen, she looked better. After they left, I was so scared Mike would round on me and blame me for what happened. To my surprise, gratitude and relief, he didn't. He said that hardly happens, even teasing me, saying that that would usually happen to a teacher after two years, at most; to me it happened after two weeks! So he told me not to worry about it, saying that the thing to do in such situations is to be upbeat and positive, not to worry, as that would just add to the situation. Gotta keep that in mind. I e-mailed Joyce (the assistant director and Joani's sister at the other studio) about it, and she said to think about these mishaps as a little personal bank wherein after a while, nothing will faze me anymore. That afternoon, Joani laughingly teased me about it, but also affirmed what Joyce said, saying it'll prepare me for anything that can come my way, yet still continue to teach.

Besides that, it's been peachy. Last Saturday, though, I taught a larger-than-usual class that just got bigger out of nowhere: one minute I was in the WC, the next minute I find the class grew from 19 to 30+: holy cow. Then Cheryl, this amazing teacher comes in and also decides to take class. I started hyperventilating, trying to breathe normally to little success, and Mike took me by the hand to his office. In essence telling me to relax, he said, "What are you afraid of?" And I said Cheryl was taking my class, who teaches like a rockstar, and I...I'm..new. And he said having Cheryl there is a good thing, providing an avenue for me to improve, at the same time being a source of support. Besides, he said, Cheryl's a nice lady. And she is. So then he smiled at me encouragingly and said, "Now think about when you told me you had a great class and this great big natural smile came over your face. You'll do fine!" And the rational part of my brain told me he's right, and I was calming down. It must have showed; after that, he patted me on the shoulder, looked me straight in the eye, and said gently, encouragingly, supportively, "Now have a good class." And you know what, I did. It did get a bit gnarly in there--104 Fahrenheit but 65% humidity, even when the vents were turned on at full blast and the fan was on, not the heat. My students were dropping like flies. I had a newbie, too, and he was struggling with the humidity. Cheryl beckoned to me, asking if the fan and not the heat was on (it was). Still, I continued to teach calmly, albeit with a few speedbumps, like after I spoke with Cheryl where I lost my focus. But other than that, it was great, and I finished, and most of my students stayed in the room. Afterwards, they told me it was HOT! But it was a good class, so thank you. Even Cheryl said so! Ahahahaha. Well, I did tell them the vents were on, etc, and to breathe in and out by the nose, slow 6 counts of inhale and exhale, to regulate their heartbeat with their breath, etc, etc, which worked, I guess. So yeah, cool.

Taught a double this morning: the first one (which Tony took and afterwards told me was pretty good so yey) was a bit distracted: a student had told me to "slow down" after Eagle, which I guess kinda rattled me, because I was about to forget the entire balancing series until a student corrected me! Oh goodness! Plus afterward, a student came up to me and said I needed to make some of the standing postures longer. So I did in the second class, lengthening especially on standing head to knee, and triangle, among others, and my second class was much better. Even she said so. ;)

Outside the yoga studio and besides going to Wholefoods (which is nice too, but still), I've finally gone to a bookstore--Borders, because it's a lot nearer: I heard there are fewer Barnes and Noble shops here. Oh well. Got some new books, including a guidebook of Texas and some Houston maps: basically the books I've had on my Amazon Wishlist for a while now. Ordered for some CD's and books. Then I also opened up a bank account to put my pay and "allowance" in, very useful if I need to get stuff only based in the US. I'm also trying to ride back on the vegan wagon. Very cool. Met an elementary school batchmate and friend whom I hadn't seen in...maybe 10 years; wonder of wonders: through facebook, how neat is that. And that same night, I got to chat with Frank. Yey!

Tomorrow, I teach the 6 and the 8 am class, this time alone. After I took his class tonight (which was awesome: I was right beside him under the podium, first row, on the "hotter side" of the room, and I was DRIPPING SWEAT!) Mike asked me if I'd prefer he came over, but I said no. In any case, he said he's a phone call away, which was very sweet of him. But I should be fine.

This week, I hope to finally get a taxi: this past weekend when I called, they were booked solid for two days straight (?!), plus the bus schedules were weird. So yeah. This weekend, hopefully I'll explore more and go out more. But wait: my days off this months are more on Thursdays and Fridays. Oh dear. We'll see then. At any rate, I hope this week will be great, my teaching hopefully to only get better and better.

Thanksgiving is my next big vaca. For Christmas, I'm going home. Plus Dad said to go ahead and get a Macbook for Christmas??? Holy cow, WOW! Coooolness. Though yep, it IS more expensive in Manila by about $300 easy. Then I looked at the iPhone 'coz I know Dad is fascinated by it( and admittedly, so am I!), but it said that to sign up for the iPhone plan with AT&T (the exclusive carrier in the US), the minimum monthly fee would be $60. Not only that, but the iPhone only has 8GB of space. That lack of features for $399? I don't think so. But the MacBook sounds great, haha.

Now to study dialog...and maybe dump my sweaty yoga clothes when the current load's done. And then hopefully, SLEEP.

G'night, g'night. Sleep tight, g'night.

In Between Trips

Oh hey, Pavarotti's dead.

And heh, wonder if this is true:
Take it here.

Anyway.

Got back last night. Didn't get to sleep 'til 5 this morning, woke up near 1 pm. Heh; having been reading Philip Pullman's "The Amber Spyglass" didn't help, either ;)

Went to Frankfurt and Munich in Germany, then Florence in Italy, and Athens and Kea in Greece. Lots of pictures. Tried to curb the shopping. But of course, bought stuff.

First destination: Frankfurt. Went to the Messe with my parents for the first time. Saw the set-up. Halle 9. Interesting. Went to stores, saw sales. Discovered Uli Knecht, and got a paisley George Gina & Lucy bag. S goes nuts over Louis Vuitton, and World of Music in Karstadt. Introduced her to Douglas Parfumerie, where she bought some Benefit stuff. Celebrated S's birthday at Rama V, an excellent Thai restaurant.

Took the ICE train to Munich, but got on the wrong wagon. Got to our seats at the last stop before Munich, to enjoy it for 30 minutes (out of 3 hours). Before that, it was one mad rush. Dad blamed me, saying I was a twit and should know better. Needless to say I was very upset, and S said later on that she did not quite know what to do with herself, aside from having motion sickness from the constant moving about.

In Munich, we met up with my German "big sis" who surprised our mutual friends at their new store location in Karlsplatz by bringing us along. Went back to the Basic bio super-store in Isartor and bought my beloved Amaranth schoko-müsli, as well as a gorgeous, multi-toned schal. At nearby Cosi Bazar, found-and bought-HUGE rings that fit my slim fingers, at reasonable prices. Tolle! Showed S Marienplatz--the Glockenspiel, the Viktualienmarkt (where I bought some Bärlauch and she some honey hand creme), St. Peter's Church, Elly Seidl (where we both bought fresh, handmade chocolates!) Dallmayr (where she bought coffee beans), Funf Höfe, and the Residenz (the latter new for me, as well); brought her to Linderhof and Oberammergau, then after a horrible tourist lunch, took the arduous climb up Neuchwanstein and Mary's Bridge, coming back to Munich exhausted. Remembered the bahn  routes. Remembered my scant German.
I love Munich.

The train ride back, we were early, and got on the right wagon. Was able to read more of Philip Pullman's "The Subtle Knife" while S dozed.

In Frankfurt, rushed to the hotel then to the Messe to meet up with the parents--and see the fair on its last day. Manila FAME doesn't even come close.

Next day, left for Florence. Ate at 13 Gobbi for lunch. Yum, yum. My parents come to Florence to shop and to eat, and this time brought us along to their haunts and introduce us to their sukis: Farmacia Mustermann, the Erboristeria Spezieria Palazzo Vecchio, the enoteca they frequent, the piazza and Sta. Maria Novella--both scenes in the movie Hannibal(!), the department store La Rinascente (where we were able to get La Perla cheap!), Giotti--the original Bottega Veneta, Prada, Pucci, Armani (where S got sonnenbrille), Gucci (where Dad got shoes), Angela Caputi (where Mom and I got beautiful shawls on saldi!) and Etro, my favorite--the pattern on pattern, as Dad describes it (where I got a shawl, sonnenbrille, a shirt on saldi and a travel bag). Went to rub the pig (Il Porcellino) for good luck, as well. Consulted a map and a Louis Vuitton salesman's directions to Vivoli in a previously-unexplored part of town, but alas, the shop was closed for the summer. Ate gelato at another gelateria anyway. Molto bene.

That night found S struggling to pack everything she'd bought. Mom sends Dad to the rescue and we sleep at 3:30, only to wake up at 6:45, very late, to leave at 7 to catch the plane to Munich at 8:55 (to connect to Athens from there)! Andiamo! Nonetheless, we make it and I doze on the plane.

We meet Anthony (real name Adonis) in Athens in the afternoon. He had been waiting as per his wife Sofia's instructions since before noon. As we speed to the port in his car--our parents in a taxi as we with all our luggage simply wouldn't fit into his tiny car--he tells us about the fires that ravaged Greece, saying the damage would take 15 years or more to undo. Neither was this catastrophe of natural causes, he said. As to why, he said maybe terrorism.

We rode on a ship to Kea, car and all (what we call ro-ro in Manila). Boat rides and I never get along, so when we got off the ship, it took all I had not to throw up. The winding road to their vacation home didn't help, either. Nonetheless, I survived. Anthony said, "Don't do anything; relax!" Had to help him; he had a bad back; besides, if I didn't move the luggage, he would have a hard time backing out of the driveway. Met their Indonesian housekeeper Sofina, who cooked delectable meals throughout our stay, even cooking vegetarian for me! Every meal was a celebration, every meal a feast, every dish a delicacy. The olives, the marmalade with crunchy sugar, figs plucked fresh from the tree, cherry conserve, sheep cheese, homemade crepes, orange-bread, peppers (or as Anthony calls them, pepperoni), and yes, I ate fresh lobster to respect our hosts, but what lobster, so sweet and juicy..! Our hosts' son Kristos even taught me how to eat it ;)

And the beaches--nothing to rival Boracay, for sure, but the Aegean waters are cool, the waves none too strong...and no-one cares whether you go in with a 1-suit, a bikini, or nothing at all. Still, compared to our small-boned hosts, I was huge, or at least felt it...which needlessly bothered and frustrated me to no end.

We went back to Athens with skin tanned (not sure about S) and bellies full. And it was a different Athens from the Athens I saw 10 years ago. Athens is so much more developed and progressive now. The night we arrived, I was too tired to do anything else but sleep. The next day, however, we went to our hosts' office (Le Shop) and there Mom and Dad were shown ideas for expanding the business. Then we took the train--Anthony showed us how--to the Akropoli, for S to see. But at high noon. Good Lord. Afterwards, we went to Plaka for some shopping and some late lunch and last-gelato(!), ending our day tour with a drink at the top of the hotel overlooking the Parthenon and the entire city.

In the airport, I followed Mom to a Greek specialty shop selling mastiha. Interesting. Should tell Anthony about it. Maybe he can tell me more. Because our hosts are incredibly proud to be Greek, telling us the root meanings of words, Greek lore, and so on. Incredibly fascinating. If we had more time in Greece, I would've wanted to learn the language--how to speak, how to read the words: in fact, I was already able to decipher a little already, but only a little.

In the airport, S had problems with her tax-free forms from Germany as she lost them, and had to check her wheeled hand luggage in. Luckily she was able to salvage her precious CDs (about 120+ out of the 130) and stuff them into her other one.

And now we're back. Back to the real world. Now I have to prepare for my next trip to Texas--not a vacation, but to work, and to get real. And lose the weight gained, imaginary or no.

Mom and Dad now ask about salary and all these things, but vague me hasn't really worried about that. Now pragmatic me is nudging me to learn the ropes of our business next year, and make yoga a side-business, a hobby, maybe like what P does in Makati. I worry, however: what if I need to give that up? I want yoga to be a permanent part of my life. However, there is the reality that it is an uncertain path to monetary success. And I do like my Etros and Lululemons once in a while, and maybe yogi/eco-friendly retreats in the future, with a nifty little spa somewhere near. Plus my Dad points out that my vegan, organic lifestyle isn't that cheap, either. On the other hand, there is the business, where my mother put the responsibility ruse real thick (and being an only child, I always fall for), which she says is something on whom only I am the only person left to run, in their stead. (And what if I fail?  But that is always my fear, which often sets me back: I can fail in yoga, in veganism, in going organic, in the business, but hopefully NOT.) Still, this is not an immediate need to be answered, thank goodness. I still have my apprenticeship in Houston next, and hopefully there, things will be answered, or at the very least, much clearer--the business, yoga, veganism, going organic: hopefully they will all be on the same path.

Snarl

I'm in a really nasty mood, and I've no idea exactly why. Have been easily getting tired, as well, accompanied by splitting headaches, but when I sleep at night, slumber comes fitfully and sporadically. My teaching's been crappy: I've been told I lack energy and I stammer, major downslide for me from the week before. And this opposite of improvement is frustrating me to no end, getting me in a worse mood, and so on.

Ironically, this week coincides with the end of my Landmark Forum, where I was supposed to improve, and I thought I did, so why this?

Anyway. Got an external hard drive of 320 GB capacity. Not bad. :) Backing up my [Bleach AVI] files as I write.

Also, for fellow fans of the now-defunct Cooking Master Boy, here is the link to the first part of the last episode. It's in Chinese, with English subtitles, instead of the usual Japanese, so it's pretty neat to listen to, as well.

As for shopping, I got a pair of Melissa shoes. They've been written about as super comfy; let me see if that is the case: my halluxed feet will testify.

It's also heartening to be able to go to a store and find bottoms that fit, finally. In Aura, I even went down a size--not bad :) However, they didn't have the smaller size in the color I wanted. Oh well: you win some, you lose some.

Living Small (Should Be) No More

So here I am, still sick with the flu. I just noticed something, though: I sneeze small.

I sneeze with my lips pursed, body tight and tensed, held back, only to produce a sound a kitten would produce: a muffled "tch." I try to make the smallest sound possible.

It makes me remember something my director criticized me with, and that is living small. He says I do not help myself by living small; instead to live big so that others can follow that light. I also recall something said in training: to be interested and not interesting. In my opinion, living small isn't even interesting, but there you go. I think Letitia from Santa Fe said it, that shy people are selfish people, keeping their light to themselves.

In this regard, my director again pointed out that "living small has worked [for me] for 23 years" Indeed it had, and has. My parents (bless their hearts) are such dominant beings, and here I am, Ms. Big Mouse. In fact, after class, where I was silently beating myself up over my mistakes, a fellow classmate-student asked me if I was an only child (known perfectionists!) and when I admitted I was, she told me to live with imperfection; "we are not perfect, and that's ok" she smilingly says.
Another teacher tells me to get MAD, (sing angry songs like Alanis' he says, not sweet songs like I usually do) and to project, banish my fears, my insecurities, bring energy with my voice. And THAT is hard for me--me, who is so used to living small, wanting to always make myself blend in with everyone else. Argh. But they are all right in that it IS a mindset, and in being that, is hard to break. As Bikram is fond to say, it's all in the mind. And that is the hardest thing to change.

We are not perfect, and that is ok. So live BIG, shout out, sneeze out loud, and that's ok!


Perfect, by Alanis Morissette

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

*DISCLAIMER: I love my parents!

Hawai'i Day 4, pre-Bikram

This is my first post from Hawai'i. The past days I've just been up at crazy hours, sleeping in the wee hours of the morning and waking up at the middle of the day. Yesterday and the day before that, however, I went on tours of the island and city, and watched Cirque Hawaii. I couldn't take pictures while Cirque Hawaii was going on, but I did take pictures of the island, and of city landmarks.

Other than that, I also met new friends in a nearby bookstore, when I asked what the minimum wage is here (I'm trying to get a job working as a temp). R and L: They're a nice couple, retired (i.e. older), and multi-racial, which in Hawaii is nothing new, but refreshing to me, anyway. Seeing I'm a student, they bought me soup, tea, I felt I had to buy them food the next day, as well. But they're nice and helpful: they even took me to the grocery, let me use their discount card, showed me Sears, then brought me home via the bus, invariably teaching me how to ride it! We talk about the Asian language, more often than not--which takes up the whole afternoon, 'til evening. I might give them a call, see how they're doing, 'coz at this rate, I won't make it to the Bikram Yoga Class, which is kinda far away, anyway. Plus I still have to launder my clothes (and figure out how to do it). Indeed, it's different being alone--there's no one to take care of my needs, be it food (nutritious meals and NOT heavy snacks!), hygiene, laundry, even fixing the bed--housekeeping apparently won't come over unless I'm here, argh.

However, it's been a good experience so far. Like on my 2nd day, I was squinting against the sun on my way to the shopping center, and this [black] guy said, "Don't look so mean! Smile!" And when I did, he said, "That's better!" and smiled too. O_o Or yesterday, on my way (supposedly, but in the end, I didn't find it, eating at a -pricey!- Thai restaurant instead) to Coconut Café and Ruffage Natural Foods, these vegan-friendly, organic eateries, I helped this nearly-blind old man up to a bench ('coz nobody was helping him and he was struggling to get on his hands and knees a distance away, on the grass, even). Then I got a bit lost getting back to my hotel, but as my 1st tour guide said, "You can't get lost; it's an island!" And I guess he's right: I did find my way back, after all.

In a way, this is a test of my ability to be independent and self-reliant. Agh. It's hard, and I admit I tend to like staying in for the better part of the day, but I'm sure I'll learn. Along a similar vein, I have to believe in myself, have conviction, otherwise how will I be able to get others to listen to me, moreso as I've signed up to become a yoga (especially Bikram yoga) teacher?! As Baron (of Studio Ghibli's The Cat Returns) said, "Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear."

Thanks to the bookstore people (while I was looking for Spirited Away for a friend but watched it and ended up loving it!), I am now fascinated with Hayao Miyazaki's work! I've watched Spirited Away and The Cat Returns; now I want to watch/buy (but $$$!) Kiki's Delivery Service, Howl's Moving Castle (especially this one), Nausicäa, and Princess Mononoke (Neil Gaiman is supposedly a collaborator in this). I also want to get the soundtracks of Spirited Away and possibly Princess Mononoke. I should try to get a job first, though.

But back to quotes. The first one is from another manga/anime cross-over addiction, Bleach, as recited by Abarai Renji. The second quote was sent to me by a friend at Easter. The first one I feel is one for times when I'd be low, while the second is to remind me why I chose my path.

We! are about to head to the battlefield!
Believe our blades will not shatter.
Believe our souls will not be cut!
Even if our steps separate,
our iron will remains solid!
Promise! Even if the ground may split,
We will come back alive to this place!
-Gotei 13 chant

"If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and the doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be." -Joseph Campbell

On Bleach and Bikram

Lately, I have been impossibly addicted to the anime series called Bleach. I have watched 13 episodes in 1 day out of sheer addiction. I love love love it. At the currently subbed episode which I've stopped at (because there hasn't been any more yet), Episode 120, the ending is still left hanging. I've downloaded both OVAs available for download, as well as all the music. Most people start young with anime, or at least, younger than my current age. I'm not into anime per se--not yet at least--but this particular one had me hooked from the start. And it still kinda boggles my mind why I'm so into it. I mean, I really am--even the music....I love the music, when I was never into J-Pop and would scoff at my cousin when she'd watch anime. I even loved the ending credits of the Sealed Sword Frenzy OVA, where the shinigami are in Western civilian attire, and Byakuya, in particular, came up in a horse-drawn carriage! Still oh so hot! Whut. Oh well: welcome to the club, I guess. But there has to be a hook in this somewhere; I mean, how'd I just get into it so deeply, just like that? When I think about it, though, it may have to do with the main theme of the story: the neverending battle between life and death. I like that. I remember getting so caught up in the battle to save Rukia, on the edge of my seat watching every battle. I also remember getting caught in the personal battles of Kuchiki Byakuya. I was hooked. The way I see it, Bleach reminds me that life is short, and transient, so live to my fullest, do everything I want when and while I can.

Then we come to Bikram yoga. I've only been doing it for about a year, but before Bleach came, it was my end all and be all. I wanted to live and breath it. I didn't want to think of a life without it, precisely why I desired so strongly to teach it: I also wanted others to live "fuller", healthier lives. I see walking a yogi path as self-realization. Echoing what I feel is Bleach's theme, I feel that I am so blessed to be able to follow my dream already.

As my departure for training is steadily approaching, however, I am filled with dread. I think it is also through my own fault: I've been pushed to start memorizing the dialog (particularly by T), but most particularly, build up my confidence (especially by F and seconded by H). With encouragement, I was able to practice reciting one -full- posture (Half Moon!) with F. After that, even with some helpful equipment (a mike!) at home, I've resisted, instead setting it aside in lieu of preparations like medicine, toiletries, medical insurance--things that are also important. But my Dad once said, "if preparing takes you longer to do the actual thing itself, then it's useless." Indeed that it what it has seemed to become. In truth, I am merely sidestepping from the matter at hand, which is truly to prepare to teach. I am scared shitless. Truly. This manifests physically in T, whom I "empowered" against my self to make me deathly afraid of him right now, so much so I don't even want to see him or talk to him. I hem and haw and make excuses, but that's what it boils down to. Now what to do about it. I can't make excuses forever. I can't be a perennial walking excuse. Damn me (as it's not good to damn God). It's Holy Week now, which should be a perfect time to start preparing for real, start memorizing seriously, dammit. There should be no excuses, nor is there time: I'm already leaving next week, after all.