Friday, May 16, 2008

Random Thoughts

Dinner with my family. Tweena included. Ooh, did full camel for her and Cleod. Excerpts from the conversation:

Cleod: "ooh, you look like hakaw (steamed shrimp dumpling)!...Ok, I guess it'll be a bad idea for me to take your class...Of course, it probably does not help that you are wearing that shiny, white wrapper...yum"

Katrine: "Your students must love you; you're so hyper, like a happy tree friend! [then me reminding her I get all moody] OK, an emo happy tree friend!"

*on us discussing chat-lingo:

Cleod: "Seriously, if you type LOL in World of Warcraft, your character laughs! Aside from dancing...
Me: "Awesome! And then make it do the dance! Yeah yeah yeah!"

Me: "OK, so there's LOL for laugh out loud, FTW for the win, ROFL for roll on the floor laughing, LMAO for laugh my ass off...and HAH for hah!" [cue me laughing hysterically and Trina just O_o]

*on karaoke:
Me: "Trine, look, there's a song, called CHARING!" (I kid you not)

[me doing the ing-ing-ing sound a la pick axe murderer just because]

Cleod: "OK, awhile ago you sounded like a chicken on acid; now that was a version of Psycho done real badly..."

Then Katrina and I were balancing pens on our upper lips. It took a while because we were laughing so hard at each other's appearances.

Yeah, I love it when we all hang out. Awesome, awesome, we make the weirdest jokes, and laugh like loons while people all around look at us askance.

I called Trine up today and she tells me that if Jess knew how crazy I really was then it would be BDSM and I'm like whut? And I wiki it 'coz Wikipedia is awesome and I'm like holy cow. Um. Yes, my 18-year old cousin is telling me what to do in *that* department. She and I both agree I will always be a little girl this way. I have found my least for now: my best cousin who is my numbah one fan...when she's online, hehe.

I make weird sounds, especially with my dogs. And I love how big my dogs are (Labrador Retrievers) because I can totally monkey around with them. They LOVE me, just because, and knowing that, I am totally comfy with them, not afraid to do whatever with them. Sometimes, I wish life were this easy.

When do you get to know a person? Sometimes I wish it were faster, but then I guess that wouldn't be fun, right? And not as worthwhile?

Met with a friend, who told me I look the same: still look pretty good, and my eyes...are awesome. It was good to see him, but he also said something in me has..hardened, and again I say it: I have grown away from this world, this place. As much as I still have issues sometimes feeling special and worthy enough, I have grown...stronger, tougher, more independent. So Lord help me make it work in Houston.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Plan Z

Let's start over, shall we? I want to think it's possible, and it IS, to start anew, a clean slate, the past erased. Let's try it, once more. And if fear erupts, so be it, if rejection arrives, it is not my fault, nor someone else's, but perhaps a past fear, a personal hell. It all must boil down to truth and love, and ah yes forgiveness. To forgive myself and forgive others. I'm not bad, nor are you. It was my reaction, your reaction to a situation. Nor will I be bad in future, or if I think I am, to step back, and say it's ok. It's going to be ok. The future is the future; what is here now is the present: live it, love it, enjoy it. The future is just, if not more, impulsive than her sister Present. She can thus be dealt with later.
What about love? Love is masked by the stronger Fear. The what ifs, the maybes and maybe NOTs, rejection, NO. But then so what? I must know and constantly tell myself it's not my fault, nor is it theirs. It's maybe the wrong person, the wrong time, or perhaps again personal hell. What if I want to say the L-word, LOVE, but then FEAR comes in to block it? Banish fear. If love is rejected, so be it; love must never come from someone or something else but from WITHIN. So yes SAY IT.
What about truth? Truth must be the basis, along with love. Because when the truth hurts, love is there to take the sting away, and say it's going to be ok.
So a clean slate is in order. And whatever happens, happens: it's going to be OK. Just don't give up. No saying uncle. The fat lady isn't even up yet. It ain't over 'til you (I) say it is. And then what? Always, always start fresh.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

He is the Cheese to my Macaroni

Juno MacGuff: As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And, I know that people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but... I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

Rollo: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
Juno MacGuff: I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. [...]There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.

Punk Receptionist: Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno MacGuff: No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.

Leah: I wish my funbags would get bigger.
Juno MacGuff: Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now and I have to rub this nasty cocoa butter stuff all over myself or my skin could get stretched too far and explode.
Leah: Hot!

Juno MacGuff: [...]I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.
Mac MacGuff: It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

Juno MacGuff: And Bleeker is actually great... in chair.

Paulie Bleeker: Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'

Juno MacGuff: Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Spazzing Up A Storm

Been having weird, weird dreams lately. What more the ones I can't remember? And holy crap, they felt so real, too.

1) I dreamt I lost a pillow. The pillow. I left it someplace and was careless. And I needed that pillow. And had no way of getting it back for some reason. Holy crap.

2) I was in Shangri-La Mall with my parents, the top floor, and for some reason we were seated, when who do I see coming but Jem. In bermuda-like khaki shorts and a striped shirt. Bounding up to me, then hugging me, and my parents cool with it. Wow.

3) this guy in the studio who comes up with scissors and says what a great job the desk person (he meant Mauri, for some reason in my dream) was doing, and then how he wanted to personally thank her. But she wasn't there, then he had this crazy gleam in his eyes, and I went under the table to avoid him?! then him coming to me regardless with said scissors to cut something--maybe some hair--from me. Creepy.

So yeah. Not only that but Dad says I gained weight, like MASSIVE amounts. I checked the scale and it's the same. So wtf? It's depressing and discouraging to hear day in and day out, to say the least. So my bra size went up one notch. Maybe my shoulders got a bit bigger carrying groceries. Heck if I know! And yes, I went low-carb. But others have been telling me how much better I look. Well now my Dad has cast the shadow of doubt upon that. Crap now I feel huge. :( I know I should do more cardio, but...! Give me time. I'm trying. And he says I eat too much. Well, maybe compared to a 49-year old diabetic, and to someone whose food is always cooked for him, and prepared to his liking, whenever he wants it. Well maybe YEAH. And when I would hardly eat when I was in high school just because, he told me I was too thin, if I had a problem, that I was weird and needed to eat normal. Oh-KAY. I do want to lose weight, don't get me wrong, but dude, don't be so discouraging and rub it in my face at the same time. And I will eat when I want to, and what I want, especially 'coz I'm, I don't know, on VACATION???

Going to Donsol this weekend. I am so excited. I've always wanted to see the whale sharks, but I never really thought I would go and do it, yet here I am. I also never thought I'd learn how to surf, then I found myself asking my cousin to bring me along for a lesson. And I did. I *almost* stood up: I just need to center myself, is all. I want to do it again. Dang. These are things I seriously thought I'd never do. Next, who knows: maybe ask Jess about skiing, something I never thought I'd want to try again, but maybe never say never. It seems the curious and fearless part of my spirit is slowly awakening. For my lolo's 40th death-day, I was asked to sing--then speak about him after. And I did. The singing was a bit wobbly, but the speaking part went smoothly, even pretty well, if I may say so. And I never would have done it if I haven't been speaking in front of sometimes 70+ people for 90 minutes for what, 8 months now. So maybe because of the yoga? I guess Bikram yoga is truly miraculous, and works on what needs to be worked on. And so it is. Of course, it does help to have had some measure of independence, as well as fine people backing me up along the way. :)

Finally got Neverwinter Nights 2 to work--on my dad's computer, oh well. Heh. That's fine. It takes time and effort to play a game; I've forgotten how much. Wow. Best to catch up on reading, and hopefully this weekend, deepen my tan ;) Oh and haircut tomorrow: we'll see how that goes. Then to teach Wednesday: I should only hope for the best. Now to eat, nap or read? That is the question.