Thursday, December 11, 2008

Let it Snow.

It snowed in Houston yesterday. Small flecks around 4 pm, then increasingly bigger flakes, til when we closed shop for the night, my colleagues and I all had a snowball fight in the parking lot! Not super big drifts on the ground, but just on cars, a little on the ground, and enough to coat the steps leading to my apartment and front porch!

Oh my God. It snowed. In Houston. Who would've thought.

Who says global warming doesn't exist now?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Life Got in the Way

I used to write and post little (and some not-so-little!) ditties and of-the-moments constantly. Granted, I still do, only less profound and more transitory, via the all-knowing, all-encompassing Facebook. But it's not the same.

Life got in the way, that's what.

There are just so many things that happen. So many sundry tasks I never took for granted as they were all done for me in a past life but now no longer. Now I sweep my floors and mop when I can, launder my dirty clothing, clean my bathroom and sinks and everything else. It must get done, and done by me. Other tasks too like finally getting my car fully functional via a plate so I can finally drive and not be driven around. Then there is work. Work to pay the bills, and to get food in my belly. Work so I can continue doing all things myself. Old work, and now newer, more stringent work. Celluloid downloads to get away from it all, in itself a race to be up to date on. And then love: in my boyfriend whom I love more than life, who occupies my thoughts and dreams and hopes and whom I wish I could spend forever with.

So I forget to write. I forget to write about Thanksgiving, my first break in ages, after working 3 jobs. And it was a wonderful time of waking up late and cuddling and snuggling, of eating my fill and maybe more. Christmas is already around the corner: already people are putting up decorations and radios are belting out holiday tunes.

Busy days indeed. This is life: this is my life.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You Know You're Filipino If

7 months yesterday <3

back to the matter at hand.

From this blogger who is a British expat that married a Filipina.

*parentheses are my additions

Your middle name is your mother's maiden name.
Your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy."
You have uncles and aunts named "Boy," "Girlie," or "Baby."
You have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables like "Jun-Jun," "Ling-Ling," and "Mon-Mon."
You call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito" and "Tita."
You have four or five names.
You greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead.
You always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave the room.
You follow your parents' house rules even if you are over 18.
You live with your parents until and at times even after you're married.
You decorate your dining room wall with a picture of the "Last Supper."
You keep your furniture wrapped in plastic or covered with blankets.
You have a Sto. Niño shrine in your living room.
You have a piano that no one plays.
You keep a tabo (pail) in your bathroom.
You use Vicks Vapor rub as an insect repellent.
You eat with your hands.
You eat more than three times a day.
You think a meal is not a meal without rice.
You think sandwiches are snacks, not meals.
Your dining table has a merry-go-round (lazy Susan) in the middle.
You bring baon to work everyday.
Your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines.
You love to eat daing or tuyo (smelly salted fish).
You prop up one knee while eating.
You eat your meal with patis, toyo (soysauce), suka, banana catsup, or bagoong.
Your tablecloths are stained with toyo circles.
You love sticky desserts and salty snacks.
You eat fried Spam and hot dogs with rice.
You eat mangoes with rice--with great GUSTO!
You love "dirty" ice cream.
You love to eat, yet often manage to stay slim.
You put hot dogs in your spaghetti.
Everything you eat is sauteed in garlic, onion, and tomatoes.
You order a "soft drink" instead of soda.
You hang a rosary on your car's rear view mirror.
You get together with family at a cemetery on All Saint's Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones' graves.
You play cards or mahjong and drink beer at funeral wakes.
You think Christmas season begins in October and ends in January.
Your second piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
You've mastered the art of packing a suitcase to double capacity.
You collect items from airlines, hotels, and restaurants as "souvenirs."
You feel obligated to give pasalubong (souvenir) to all your friends and relatives each time you return from a trip.
You use paper foot outlines when buying shoes for friends and relatives.
You're a fashion victim.
You can convey 30 messages with your facial expression.
You hold your palms together in front of you and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV.
You ask for the bill at a restaurant by making a rectangle in the air.
You cover your mouth when you laugh.
You respond to a "Hoy!" or a "Pssst!" in a crowd.
You'll answer "Malapit (near) lang!"--no matter the distance--when asked how far away a place is located.
Goldilocks is more than a fairy tale character to you (it's also a bakeshop).
You refer to power interruptions as "brownouts."
You love to use the following acronyms: CR for comfort room, DI for dance instructor, DOM for dirty old man, TNT for tago nang tago (always hiding: staying illegally in the country), KJ for kill joy, KSP for kulang sa pansin (wanting for attention), OA for over-acting, TL for true love, BF for boyfriend and GF for girlfriend.
You say "rubber shoes" instead of sneakers, "ball pen" instead of pen, "stockings" instead of pantyhose, "pampers" instead of diapers, "ref" or "prijider" instead of refrigerator, "Colgate" instead of toothpaste, "canteen" instead of cafeteria, and "open" or "close" instead of turn on or turn off (as in the lights).
You use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
You like everything imported or "state-side."
You love ballroom dancing, bowling, pusoy, mahjong, billiards, and karaoke.
You have a relative who is a nurse (my aunt is!).
When you're in a restaurant, you wipe your plate and utensils before using them.
You can squeeze 15 passengers into your five-seater car without a second thought.
You wave a pom-pom on a stick around the food to keep the flies away.
You always ring a doorbell twice, assuming that the first ring was not heard.
You let the phone ring twice before answering, lest you appear overly eager.
Your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
You use a rock to scrub yourself in the bath or shower.
You're proud to be Filipino - and you pass these jokes on to all your Filipino friends!

Incidentally, there is the book by Neni Sta. Romana-Cruz, whose cover, along with book details, can be seen in this website.

Just spreading the Filipino love.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


...I feel I wear my heart on my sleeve too much.

...I give my boyfriend too much leeway and try to please him too much.

...I wish he'd tell me what's the score.

...I wish I could take stuff I said/did back.

...I wonder how single-hood compares to attached-hood and if I should revert.

...I overthink and panic.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Rainy Day Thursday

One more day to the weekend. Oh please God. I'm getting cranky missing Jess. How come the closer and closer it is to seeing him the more and more acute I feel missing him? That has to make sense, but right now it doesn't, and instead just seems very twisted and perverse.

It's been raining cats and dogs for two days now, moreso today. Dude, WOW. And it's like why can't it be more like this?! Well technically it shouldn't as it means for more humidity, not that it isn't humid enough as it is. But I do like walking in the rain, especially when I'm not super dressed up but in flip flops and going to a job that requires me to sweat anyway, in very little clothing. So yeah. It's fun, I just don't like the bugs and the amphibians that may emerge. Them aside, the rain tends to bring a little quiet and calm and stillness to the busy city, making me reflect and go inward. At the same time, the rain brings happy memories of suspended classes, of childhood listening to the pitter patter of rain against the river stone-lined driveway of my gradparents' home, where I spent my childhood: that earthy smell of rain hitting earth. God I love that smell. It's nice to introspect.

I wish there were a time set aside for us to learn things, then emerge, like from a cocoon, out into the world, ready to succeed, with all the right skills. This rarely happens, if at all, which sucks. I guess we just have to learn along the way. Tough, but I guess we have no choice if we want to succeed: it also makes success all the sweeter. Now to remember that, suck it in and toil on.

As much as things are difficult right now financially, I can't help but feel a little cheery as the weekend draws closer. Even as I recall the quote a friend drew from "Eat, Pray and Love" on letting go:

'Groceries,' Richard says, 'listen to me. Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it -- in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.'
'But I really loved him.'
'Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? this guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. that's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries -- you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh.'
'I'm not laughing.' I was actually crying. 'And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.'
'He probably was. your problem is you don't understand what the word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holdling you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life is just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over[,] Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby -- you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.'
'But I love him.'
'So love him.'
'But I miss him.'
'So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot -- a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in -- God will rush in -- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

I dunno. Does it have to be this way? Can't we settle down with a person and continuously grow and stick it out with him/her? What if that's what I want? What if I think I know who I want to settle down with already, this soon? Holy shit scary thought but yeah. It's like wanting to be with him all the time, seeing him all the time, at the same time, thinking when he's around I don't get anything done, but wanting him near anyway. One question is if it's a mutual thought, but for that only time can reveal. The passage deals with non-attachment, but I like attachment; I think it makes me human, which I am, no denying that. Probably not over-attachment because that's just sad, but yes, attachment, we are earthly beings and have only so little time here in this plane, after all.

So little time: August is around the corner, lots happening then=money spending, too, aii-ya! But yes, also meaning four months in :) Gotta get a good job hopefully soon, to stay, and hopefully it will all be worth it.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Aunt Flo rages

When I doubt myself, being in a relationship, doubting things that matter, I think it's time I go to sleep.

There may be rough patches, there may come a time when I feel feh and so see a relationship needs work too or ponder if I should do something else to prove I am capable of having fun elsewhere, thank you very much. But...

YES my boyfriend is awesome. YES we have a lot in common. YES I bring a lot to the table. YES I am awesome.

Now go to bed.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. -Anonymous

When I think of my blessings, I think of you twice. -Irish proverb

There is always the chance that things will be better in the morning.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Things to Do

-get a tattoo: Seriously, one day: on my nape or hip, but hip ones change shape easier, so.
-get a better paying job: working on it, though gods I never knew how difficult and how it in itself is a process
-learn how to drive: um, YEAH.
-get a place with a washing machine and dryer: will help a lot but in the future, maybe: not really just yet
-grow my hair, and not highlight it anymore: we'll see. I want a trim sometime soon, though.
-join a band or choir (again): I miss singing. A LOT.
-go traveling again: God I miss it. Maybe Tibet! or Morocco...
-get scuba certified: maybe ask Mom if I can have that for Christmas?
-go back to school: learn something new, or relearn a language (which can also mean travel, whee)
-grow with my boyfriend: this would be nice to do :)
-love myself more: er.
-get healthier: figure out especially why especially I've been conking out so easily and frequently :(

I'm sure there are more out there, but this is what's on my mind right now.

Musings on a Late Work Day

Ok, ok, so maybe I am a mellow music girl. Mostly. I've been having this song on repeat in my head that a relative sang that just mesmerized me. It's called Crashing Home:

Storm's raging, now off course to the belly of a whale
the drowning into darkness there is nowhere else to sail

CHORUS: Coughed up on the beach last night, I'm crashing home
I've got nowhere to reach for the light, I'm crashing home

You try to hold me, I'm writhing, we both get beaten black and blue
I hold you, you're smiling, we both learn something true


You pull, I let you, til there's almost no air
I pull, you leave me, we breathe in stale air


You lick my wounds, I bite the hand that feeds me
We pay us back and pretend to love each other sweetly

Bridge: Drop through where the sky is open, I fall through where the questions burn to
where my eyes shine from, to where my heart knows from, to where my soul melts and quenches as hope


...Leastways that's what I heard (no lyrics, maybe I should ask for some, duh)

Anyway. As I looked up into the night sky going back home from doing laundry one evening (I was asked if I felt safe walking late at night and I'm like, well yeah, it's pretty much half a block and what are they going to steal from me: dirty, sweaty, stinky yoga clothes? Good luck with that. But yeah, touch wood anyway), I noticed the moon is again almost full, and it hit me how time truly does fly past. It is already July, and I have not really accomplished much yet. I have moved, true, but that has been a financial drain above all else. Not to mention I've never really cleaned before, and sometimes, sometimes, I think I am allowed to pout, stamp my not-so-little foot and complain that back from where I came from, I had people cleaning for me everyday, never having to worry about a dirty floor or bathroom, and worse, never having to kill roaches, which is what I had to do last night. Roaches: my worst fear. Oh gods. I had to kill one in my bathtub, suffocating it in Oust (TM) and then drowning it in antibacterial liquid soap. Then stepping out and seeing two--count 'em, TWO--roaches, side by side, almost on top of each other (OH GOD WERE THEY MATING????? NOOOOOO) on the hinges of my front door. Oh dude, no. I do not keep food out for the sole purpose of keeping roachies away, and granted, I swept last week, but that's normal for me. But dude, WHY? My neighbor and friend, whose flat I had to camp out in for a while just because I'd rather her over two roaches and a dead one for company, said it's because of the trees (the big ones are tree roaches, she said, but they looked like trash roaches, with the glossy coat and *shudder*), but her flat is closer to a tree than mine, so why did I get roaches and she didn't? Maybe a neighbor's lack of sanitary habits? I.don't.know. Seriously, though? GROSS-O. So yeah, I slept with the lights on, because I was told lights keep them at bay. Shit, I'll go for that. I might have to wait for more funds before doing anything regarding bait/extermination, but I guess I can go looking for future funding. Er. Yeah. And maybe look into going back to "school" in the future: I think I can handle it. Right now, though, there is that roach cadaver in my tub, so I guess I should clean. Oh dammit. Maybe in a while. Nyar. Then there are frames to buy, and a bedspread and tablecloth and mebbe hooks, and man I looked at friend's bathroom and hers looked so much better than mine: I felt mine looked ghetto next to hers... :-( I feel I can be more girly, so I feel I am failing somehow (and not financially, though I am improving at it: sucks to have to be patient and save, though: I never had to do it before: oh well, time to start, right?) So many things to do, so little money. Hopefully things will change for the better.


Just finished reading these comics my lovely (beloved) boyfriend lent me, and yeah those was good readin'. It's amazing how the human mind can conjure ideas up, string them together to make a story, or even an anthology. Beautiful. Reminds me how I like to write, too, and how my imagination can run wild (though sometimes not in a good way). Stories remind us of our humanity. The human mind is a great wonder, I think so. It houses our emotions and feelings, which come not from the heart, but from our mind, though it does sound more poetic to say I love you from the bottom of my heart rather than (I love you) from the bottom of my hypothallamus. And even that is something we created, our thought processes, our discernment. How do beings think, though? How do we express them? Moreover, we may not the only beings who think and express as we do. But, that can be an eternal question. Now to answer if it is one we would like to think about forever.

Indeed life is short and time is swift, and we choose how we shape it. I look around and right now, my existence is so different from what I was used to. Then again, now it is also shaped of my sweat (literally), my work, not anyone else's (ok, mostly). It has barely begun. It is difficult and scary standing up on my own new legs, and sometimes the ground looks so near, so familiar, so inviting. But that is giving in. Not just yet. With time, hopefully with support, no, standing up and then learning to walk and run are the goals. One step at a time.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Dancing with the Universe

I have to share this: or his site

Watch the video. Awe-inspiring, goosebumpy-ohmygod-tear-up WOW.

Incidentally took my 1st class at Fountainview, Taz teaching (haven't had her in a good long while). This in the face of sleeping at 6 am, no breakfast, 3rd class in a row, practicing in the front beside Claire, and wearing a bra-top and loud faux-Pucci shorts to offset my tiredness, which worked, I guess. Yey for Bishnu Ghosh day!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


Sige na nga.

Minsan, minsan, na-mimiss ko magsulat, magsalita sa wikang Filipino. Kahit Tagalog, o Ilonggo, basta Pinoy. Wala lang: mas nararamdaman kapag ako'y wala sa bansa kung saan ko siya magamit at maiintindihan ako, at nararamdaman din sa pagkakataon na ibig kong mai-share sa aking giliw, kahit hindi niya maintindihan; wala lang: siguro ganyan talaga.

Sinasabi nilang may komunidad dito ng mga ibang kapwa-Pilipino, pero hindi ko pa sila natagpuan. Sana balang araw...

Ngunit gusto kong manatili dito sa dayuhang bansa, dayuhang lugar. Ang sweldo ng aking trabaho ay 'di sapat, ngunit sana raraos din ako sa ganitong sitwasyon, at maipakita ko rin sa aking mga magulang na maaari na akong mamuhay na 'di nakasandal o gumagamit ng kanilang credit card, at pera.

Aminado akong may malaking kinalaman dito ang aking nobio, ngunit paano ang ganitong pakiramdam na tilang ibing mong kilalanin siya at masamahan siya habambuhay? Para sa akin, na kami'y natututo sabay-sabay ay masaya at nakakapagbigay-ligaya: na siya rin ay matalino ay mas nakakapagbigay-halaga sa aming relasyon. Kaya dapat magawan ko ng paraan manatili dito. Sana hindi masasayang lamang ang aking mga pagpursigi: sana may mga naramramdaman din siyang pagmamahal sa akin. Dahi oo, mahal ko siya. Sana mahal rin niya ako, sana matutuloy ito sa....hinaharap, sana sana. May posibilidad naman sa lahat, diba?

Ibig kong manatili pa rito. Aminado ko na minsa'y hinahanap ko ang mga "comfort" ng aking napaka komportableng buhay sa Pinas, kung saan lahat ay gumagana ng karapat-dapat, pwede akong magpagupit o pumunta ng parlor kahit kailan, ang mga damit ay linabhan na, na-plantsa na rin at natupi, ang bahay malinis, ang pagkain linuto. Aminado hinahanap ko ang mga ito minsan, sa aking mga pagkakataon ng kahinaan. Ngunit. Ngunit. Iniisip ko makakarating din ako sa ganyan, sa panahon, at kapag mkahanap ako ng ibang trabaho na nagbabayad ng mas malaking halaga. Hindi ko kailangan ang lahat ng "comforts" ng Pinas araw-araw. Una, hindi ko nagustuhang may mga katulong kami na nakasandal na kami sa kanila. Pangalawa, ang pagpunta sa parlor: pwede rin dito, ngunit di sin-dalas. At ang pinaka-importante sa tingin ko'y bata pa ako, at malusog. Kaya ko pang makaranas ng iba, maghirap, magtrabaho. Kailan pa? At sana, sana, uubra ito lahat, makakaraos ako, sana kasama ko pa si Jess, at sana, sana, it's all worth it.

Karagdagan: At the same time, kapag hindi kami matuluyan, paano na? Pag hindi umubra at kinailangan kong bumalik at magtrabaho sa pabrika, ano na ang resulta? Sabihin natin sa ngayon na ako'y ang "settle down with someone" tipong tao, eh ano kung hindi? Siempre pwede rin ang mga itong mangyari, pero sana sana hindi. Kaya sa aking sarili: maghanap na ng trabaho, rumaos na!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Sick day

Incidentally, maybe low feelings can bring one's health down, but I got really congested and runny nose last night, and so I slept with (alcohol-soaked) socks and a sweater. This morning I woke up with a heavy head (like a bowling ball!) and tight chest, slightly feverish. Everything hurts and I feel so tired. I am moving in slow motion, I swear. Tomorrow's interview 2 for a PR job I'm applying for, so I dunno how that'll go. It's outside of the loop, so I might seriously ask someone for a ride and pay them back with a good dinner, or something. And I teach afterwards in the evening (it's a whole day affair), so ack. I heard shady stuff about it, so we'll see if there'll even be interview 3. Gotta check bus sked, as well! Drinking a fortified herbal beverage now to strengthen my immune system and rev up my energy. I hope it works. Someone also mentioned epsom salts to maybe align my thyroid, salt, magnesium issues as I've been craving salt and electrolytes like anything. The fat and sugar and protein, maybe a side-effect, but hopefully it'll get fixed. Maybe I should do yoga, as well, after I teach, to push myself: I feel like doing that today. Get my mind focused. Or take a nap, that sounds good, too. Or both. Heck, why not.

I (kinda) figured it out

I shouldn't open my heart too much, but guard it. Maybe I like him too fast, too much. I don't know why, and he seems to like me, too, but I don't want to be devastated again. It's painful, and crushing.

Laundry. Feeling congested. Hopefully tomorrow (or later) is better. I teach the noon and 4:30: those are usually good energy classes. Then take 6:30? Maybe, maybe. Hopefully eating should be scaling down, too.

But yeah, gotta protect my heart. Never be too vulnerable. And do I need to talk to him later? Maybe I should hold out. It hurts too much to be so open. As much as it is beautiful and exhilarating, it hurts. I don't like getting hurt. Then again, there is that common sentiment that love is a roller coaster ride: full of highs and lows, thus it can't be love without these extremes. I dunno. I can be passionate, but it can be too intense, I guess: the lows too low. Maybe I should step away from this first, see if he misses me, see if he feels similarly, at least. 'Coz it'll hurt even more if he doesn't, and that, that I might not bear as easily, bounce back from as unscathed. I love him so much it's scary. Now to step back, and see his side, maybe. Burrow myself in work, in yoga, in reading, whatever else maybe. Maybe? Again, I dunno. Oh God the ache. Oh God the drama? Maybe I wanted it: maybe I told the universe I wanted something different for a change, but still good. But now, enough, make it good times again!

I should turn in soon. A good thing about being sad is I usually have much less desire to eat. That and not do anything else, though, so oh well. I have stuff to think about. Scratch that. I need sleep. Yes. And yoga.

Job interview #2. It's a ways out, past the loop, so hopefully they'll give me a good offer. I need all the luck and prayers, so storm heaven, please--regarding Jess, regarding employment. Incidentally, I got told off by my boss, that I should study to get better, that mistakes should no longer happen, yadayada. I resent that, but he is right, I just wish he said it better. But it is what it is. We shall see.

Eff it.

I am as miserable as a bird who got left behind for the winter migration. Or something. Moping like mad. All this over a missed phone call. I wanted to tell my boyfriend about my day so bad, but my Mom called ahead by about a minute and I very well couldn't hang up. So I called the minute I hung up, but got voice mail. No call back. I get desperate and miserable and a feeling of "d'oh!" permeates my being. Damn tear ducts decide to start working overtime this instant. What. the. hell. Anyway. How can it hurt so easily, so deeply, so quickly? Damn it all, I am not used to this. I don't like this: feeling too useless to do anything, not even enough to go out and get a drink. I feel like an effin' zombie. Why is it like this? I don't like being this vulnerable. I feel like I was at fault, but that doesn't seem right: it's not like I deliberately missed his call: I was speaking to my MOM. So I feel like taking a step back and not answering calls or any form of communication from him half to punish him (in a skewed way for not calling back--female logic), but also because I don't like getting this involved, this deep into and vulnerable to someone. At the same time I miss him so much it hurts. Fuck it. I hate this. Why, why, WHY.

Damn leaky ducts.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

To the Universe

I am putting it out there. Yes, I am in a relationship--a real, honest-to-goodness one, after all this time. Seemingly on equal footing. And he treats me right. He has professed to the four-letter word, and I must confess the emotion is strong in me, as well. We shall see how it goes. It goes without saying I am hoping for the best.

I have a new apartment that is slowly but surely taking shape. I am liking the freedom.

And yes, I must tell my parents, soon.

This is Step One.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Random Thoughts

Dinner with my family. Tweena included. Ooh, did full camel for her and Cleod. Excerpts from the conversation:

Cleod: "ooh, you look like hakaw (steamed shrimp dumpling)!...Ok, I guess it'll be a bad idea for me to take your class...Of course, it probably does not help that you are wearing that shiny, white wrapper...yum"

Katrine: "Your students must love you; you're so hyper, like a happy tree friend! [then me reminding her I get all moody] OK, an emo happy tree friend!"

*on us discussing chat-lingo:

Cleod: "Seriously, if you type LOL in World of Warcraft, your character laughs! Aside from dancing...
Me: "Awesome! And then make it do the dance! Yeah yeah yeah!"

Me: "OK, so there's LOL for laugh out loud, FTW for the win, ROFL for roll on the floor laughing, LMAO for laugh my ass off...and HAH for hah!" [cue me laughing hysterically and Trina just O_o]

*on karaoke:
Me: "Trine, look, there's a song, called CHARING!" (I kid you not)

[me doing the ing-ing-ing sound a la pick axe murderer just because]

Cleod: "OK, awhile ago you sounded like a chicken on acid; now that was a version of Psycho done real badly..."

Then Katrina and I were balancing pens on our upper lips. It took a while because we were laughing so hard at each other's appearances.

Yeah, I love it when we all hang out. Awesome, awesome, we make the weirdest jokes, and laugh like loons while people all around look at us askance.

I called Trine up today and she tells me that if Jess knew how crazy I really was then it would be BDSM and I'm like whut? And I wiki it 'coz Wikipedia is awesome and I'm like holy cow. Um. Yes, my 18-year old cousin is telling me what to do in *that* department. She and I both agree I will always be a little girl this way. I have found my least for now: my best cousin who is my numbah one fan...when she's online, hehe.

I make weird sounds, especially with my dogs. And I love how big my dogs are (Labrador Retrievers) because I can totally monkey around with them. They LOVE me, just because, and knowing that, I am totally comfy with them, not afraid to do whatever with them. Sometimes, I wish life were this easy.

When do you get to know a person? Sometimes I wish it were faster, but then I guess that wouldn't be fun, right? And not as worthwhile?

Met with a friend, who told me I look the same: still look pretty good, and my eyes...are awesome. It was good to see him, but he also said something in me has..hardened, and again I say it: I have grown away from this world, this place. As much as I still have issues sometimes feeling special and worthy enough, I have grown...stronger, tougher, more independent. So Lord help me make it work in Houston.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Plan Z

Let's start over, shall we? I want to think it's possible, and it IS, to start anew, a clean slate, the past erased. Let's try it, once more. And if fear erupts, so be it, if rejection arrives, it is not my fault, nor someone else's, but perhaps a past fear, a personal hell. It all must boil down to truth and love, and ah yes forgiveness. To forgive myself and forgive others. I'm not bad, nor are you. It was my reaction, your reaction to a situation. Nor will I be bad in future, or if I think I am, to step back, and say it's ok. It's going to be ok. The future is the future; what is here now is the present: live it, love it, enjoy it. The future is just, if not more, impulsive than her sister Present. She can thus be dealt with later.
What about love? Love is masked by the stronger Fear. The what ifs, the maybes and maybe NOTs, rejection, NO. But then so what? I must know and constantly tell myself it's not my fault, nor is it theirs. It's maybe the wrong person, the wrong time, or perhaps again personal hell. What if I want to say the L-word, LOVE, but then FEAR comes in to block it? Banish fear. If love is rejected, so be it; love must never come from someone or something else but from WITHIN. So yes SAY IT.
What about truth? Truth must be the basis, along with love. Because when the truth hurts, love is there to take the sting away, and say it's going to be ok.
So a clean slate is in order. And whatever happens, happens: it's going to be OK. Just don't give up. No saying uncle. The fat lady isn't even up yet. It ain't over 'til you (I) say it is. And then what? Always, always start fresh.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

He is the Cheese to my Macaroni

Juno MacGuff: As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And, I know that people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but... I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

Rollo: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
Juno MacGuff: I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. [...]There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.

Punk Receptionist: Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno MacGuff: No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.

Leah: I wish my funbags would get bigger.
Juno MacGuff: Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now and I have to rub this nasty cocoa butter stuff all over myself or my skin could get stretched too far and explode.
Leah: Hot!

Juno MacGuff: [...]I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.
Mac MacGuff: It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

Juno MacGuff: And Bleeker is actually great... in chair.

Paulie Bleeker: Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'

Juno MacGuff: Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Spazzing Up A Storm

Been having weird, weird dreams lately. What more the ones I can't remember? And holy crap, they felt so real, too.

1) I dreamt I lost a pillow. The pillow. I left it someplace and was careless. And I needed that pillow. And had no way of getting it back for some reason. Holy crap.

2) I was in Shangri-La Mall with my parents, the top floor, and for some reason we were seated, when who do I see coming but Jem. In bermuda-like khaki shorts and a striped shirt. Bounding up to me, then hugging me, and my parents cool with it. Wow.

3) this guy in the studio who comes up with scissors and says what a great job the desk person (he meant Mauri, for some reason in my dream) was doing, and then how he wanted to personally thank her. But she wasn't there, then he had this crazy gleam in his eyes, and I went under the table to avoid him?! then him coming to me regardless with said scissors to cut something--maybe some hair--from me. Creepy.

So yeah. Not only that but Dad says I gained weight, like MASSIVE amounts. I checked the scale and it's the same. So wtf? It's depressing and discouraging to hear day in and day out, to say the least. So my bra size went up one notch. Maybe my shoulders got a bit bigger carrying groceries. Heck if I know! And yes, I went low-carb. But others have been telling me how much better I look. Well now my Dad has cast the shadow of doubt upon that. Crap now I feel huge. :( I know I should do more cardio, but...! Give me time. I'm trying. And he says I eat too much. Well, maybe compared to a 49-year old diabetic, and to someone whose food is always cooked for him, and prepared to his liking, whenever he wants it. Well maybe YEAH. And when I would hardly eat when I was in high school just because, he told me I was too thin, if I had a problem, that I was weird and needed to eat normal. Oh-KAY. I do want to lose weight, don't get me wrong, but dude, don't be so discouraging and rub it in my face at the same time. And I will eat when I want to, and what I want, especially 'coz I'm, I don't know, on VACATION???

Going to Donsol this weekend. I am so excited. I've always wanted to see the whale sharks, but I never really thought I would go and do it, yet here I am. I also never thought I'd learn how to surf, then I found myself asking my cousin to bring me along for a lesson. And I did. I *almost* stood up: I just need to center myself, is all. I want to do it again. Dang. These are things I seriously thought I'd never do. Next, who knows: maybe ask Jess about skiing, something I never thought I'd want to try again, but maybe never say never. It seems the curious and fearless part of my spirit is slowly awakening. For my lolo's 40th death-day, I was asked to sing--then speak about him after. And I did. The singing was a bit wobbly, but the speaking part went smoothly, even pretty well, if I may say so. And I never would have done it if I haven't been speaking in front of sometimes 70+ people for 90 minutes for what, 8 months now. So maybe because of the yoga? I guess Bikram yoga is truly miraculous, and works on what needs to be worked on. And so it is. Of course, it does help to have had some measure of independence, as well as fine people backing me up along the way. :)

Finally got Neverwinter Nights 2 to work--on my dad's computer, oh well. Heh. That's fine. It takes time and effort to play a game; I've forgotten how much. Wow. Best to catch up on reading, and hopefully this weekend, deepen my tan ;) Oh and haircut tomorrow: we'll see how that goes. Then to teach Wednesday: I should only hope for the best. Now to eat, nap or read? That is the question.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Dreams for Plans

A friend told me to think about stuff long term, including partner, job, etc. So far, I've smoothed things out with said partner, who is ever so awesome and understanding and downright sweet, even in the middle of me PMS'ing and bitching and being a mass of insecurity. As for my job, I love it, but have been beginning to lose steam from the long demanding hours and little pay. Like what a colleague/friend said, it's just a job and not a career; the same thing applies to mine. I am seriously thinking of, once learning how to drive and moving out, of applying for internships in Houston, either in PR or Publishing. 'Coz I like to write, and have a degree in Communications, and a minor in Literature. Plus a 9-5 job will have benefits (moreso) and will most definitely pay more. And being a yoga teacher just ain't cutting it at the end of the month. Man I hate scrimping from day to day now, especially when something had struck my fancy and I have to worry til the next paycheck, and sometimes even after that. And I want to live here and succeed, not move back "home." Besides, I have no intention of running a studio: I want to just continue teaching, so for now that will have to mean part time teaching, and another job in the meantime: a better paying one. The only challenge I see right now is I have a non-US degree; hopefully I can hurdle this with an internship. And maybe a crash course in Web Design? Plans, plans. Hopefully I can do this by the end of the year. My aunt said, though, that the hardest job is the first, and even if I don't know how to drive yet to look, NOW, no more procrastinating, even if I have to take a cab to work, and even if the first job is not what I *want*-want. Yikes, but I guess if that's what it takes...? Ok, now to get my suits and nice blouses and shoes from Manila...

One thing still going for me, I guess, is that I'm only 23 (almost 24) and am still relatively young. Won't be forever, though, so gotta get moving. I remember what my boss told me to think about back when I first got here and was freaking out and being all scared: Where do I see myself 3 years from now? I don't know: teaching yoga full-time was it, but now is not so, anymore. Living in the US, though, is still the desire. So gotta make it work.

Aside from Bikram yoga, I'm also starting to like climbing. And hiking. Crap I want to do them again. And I want to get gear. Double, triple crap.

And advanced yoga classes, now that I was taught full camel and pigeon. I need to do that at least once. And finally ease my mind about taking class before teaching; gotta learn if I want to have a regular practice. Then maybe I can also get out of this munchy funk and lose weight again. Dammit.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

April to Spring

It's April already. God, how time flies. Honestly, I had no idea that when you are immersed in work, in living, everything else gets blurred along the way...or can be blurred, unless you make a conscious effort for it not to.

So basically, it's been work, work, work. I love my job. And it's more than a job, after a while. It's my vocation, my profession. It also helps that we are required to practice in the hot room, as well. There are days harder than others, and more exhilarating, but I guess that's just how life is, in general, with highs and lows, so you can differentiate between, and appreciate, each one.

The weather has also changed drastically, at least here in Houston: from 40-50 at night, to 60, now to 70-75 (Fahrenheit). I went out last night to help a colleague, and I remarked at the change in temperature. Of course, that also translates to the hot room, so it's been really humid. And it can only get more humid, and hotter, not of our doing, but according to Mother Nature's (and global warming's) whims. Woo-hoo, this will be interesting.

My lolo (Mom's dad) passed away last March 28 (Philippine time; March 27, Central Time). Eerily, I had had a nightmare of him dying that morning, and waking up to hear he wasn't doing well was just a bad joke turned wrong. I went into a panic, asking my boss if I could leave, but with stuff going on in the studio and now being a full-time teacher teaching bigger classes, she couldn't afford to let me go. So I stayed, much to my parents' dismay, something to which they are still reproaching me for. How I see it is, if you tried, and couldn't, leave it at that. However young I am, I have lived long enough to understand that. I wish they understood that, too. They have such high expectations, especially on those closer to them, not knowing that those selfsame expectations can drive those people away, like me. And now I have to be home for my granddad's 40th day. Fine, even if that cuts earlier into my work week, removing my days off, but I draw the line when it cuts into an actual work week, where to make it work, I will have to move three teachers, some on their day off, and my schedule becoming an utter mess, of course. Heck, if I found a flight online, why can't the travel agent do so? So no more, especially not when my mother is screaming at me from across the world, laying the guilt, now the silent treatment. No more, after 24 years of it. And the silence? It's great: no more asking me where I am when I'm out with friends and don't have to work 'til 6 the next evening. Nor will you know I will be moving outside of the studio until I have done so (if ever, which hopefully will be a yes, around the Fall). Money will be tighter, but that is my business, and it's a part of growing up: I've gotta deal with it sometime. Crap's been falling the truckload this month, too: Two (or one, as the other is on hiatus) senior full-time teachers are leaving by the end of the month to pursue a well-paying job teaching English overseas, and our boss (director) is not willing to let them go, but to get the job, they have to leave by the end of the month, hence the tension. This, and other personality clashes sometimes (i.e. yoga drama), so not a pretty scenario right now in the studio.

Also did a driver's permit test last Saturday: got a 95 (unbelievably easy?!) Pretty soon, I will learn how to drive (fingers crossed)! :-) Also did my taxes (W-2) for the 1st time, and got my voter's registration. Can't wait. I just tried these two new protein powders for breakfast today...needless to say, I am switching back to my old one when I get the chance. Ok, fixin' now to deposit some money, get my nails done, before teaching this afternoon. Gotta get.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Ides o' March

Another month has come and gone. The last time I posted was February. I dunno, it just gets tiring to work and write-write, which I really need to do, incidentally. So. Where was I? Ah, March. A lot of stuff has happened. I continuously try to improve and fine tune how I eat, supplement, etc, and I think I'm getting better. I have diabetes and heart disease on both sides of the gene pool, and just this year, my dad discovered he has diabetes (on top of heart disease). So um, where does that leave me?! I've been trying to eliminate sugar just a little over two weeks now. I slip up occasionally with alcohol, or beans, especially when I am out with friends, but aside from those times, I think I've been doing well. I've cut juice, most starches and grains from my diet and noticed a more even energy: no more crashes! Super sweet. I also changed my skin regimen to more natural stuff, and as a result my skin tone got weird for a while, but with the aid (push?) of a little facial/microdermabrasion, it's getting a whole lot better. And remind me: no touching! Argh. Such a bad habit; I also do it unconsciously, and in that hot room? Ick.

Teaching's been getting better and better. For the first time, I took a class, then taught immediately after: I looked just as sweaty as everyone else! Too funny. That said, I was able to teach the class pretty well, but will I want to do it again if I have to? No; I really prefer taking class after I teach; that way, I know I can totally "kill" myself in the hot room.

Looking at further studies online. Maybe, maybe. Had Mom and Dad mail me my transcripts already, and a FAFSA on their end. Aha.

A friend also introduced me to her daughter's friend, and hopefully I can say this safely: we are hitting it off. So fun to talk to him. He is into anime and traveling and languages, like me. Has watched too many musicals, and hates them. Smart cookie. Opinionated. I love it. And he introduced me to Pulp Fiction. Even better. Going out again today, probably to rock climb, and more. Kinda excited, but I hope this is going well.

Now to work on budgeting *sigh* And driving! Dangit.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

February, Φεβρουάριος, 2 月, febrero, fevrier, febrraio, febrar, whatever.

It's been a long time since I've written (Heath Ledger died!); things have just been sooooo busy! It's almost unbelievable, actually. I still have some time before I teach, so I figured now would be a good time to un-procrastinate and actually write!

I last wrote-wrote before I left Houston. And now I'm back in Houston, with a month plus-plus in between as writing hiatus. It is hard to get an act once it is put off; it is no longer habit, you see. So on this day of hearts, I have chosen to write--to send love not to one but to all who have shown me love, in various forms.

Before anything else, big news (but since last year): I am no longer vegan. My colleagues know this, and so do my parents, but I am saying it now. I am sure my parents are relieved and happy, but I credit it to teaching Bikram yoga. Honestly? Bikram is absolutely correct: this yoga is not for vegetarians. Maybe I just wasn't doing veganism right, but it gets too hard after a while, plus with living on your own. I need protein when I am up in that stage and telling people what to do with energy, assertion and a happy, smiling face! Also, to remember and assimilate the dialog? Vegetables just don't cut it. And carbs in the morning before class? Flatulence city, so no thank you. Protein--in the form of whey (thanks, Lynn!), fish, and the occasional fowl, have helped me improve--and continue improving--exponentially. Plus it cut the snacking and junk food out, so there you go. As to the rest of veganism, sorry, but I detest insects; I avoid killing them, but I will use repellent if necessary. Leather is still an issue with me, as is silk to a lesser degree, but I'm ok with wool, as long as it was done humanely (no mulesing). Gasoline and jet fuel is necessary, too: can't avoid that. I am still open to veganism, but at this point in time, it just takes too much time and effort. So maybe someday in the future...

What really bites about going back home--to the Philippines (because Houston is home too but different)--is the travel time. And leaving during the holidays is pure, utter CHAOS, to put it mildly. An hour-long delay in San Francisco cost me my connecting flight to Hong Kong and I had to stay the night in the airport hotel, after hours of running around looking for someone to help me get a flight to Manila. But all's well that ends well: through pleading, prayer, and what-have-you, I got on a plane to Manila the next day. However, that experience kind of put me off holiday traveling, especially Christmas, so I don't even want to think about this year's holidays! But anyway. I'm back, in Houston. And believe it or not, I am only getting back into the groove of things. My first class back was awkward, but it's gotten better, especially when I am a student in another class, myself. I am grateful for how pure the yoga is taught here, enhancing my own classes; things aren't as great elsewhere (I should know). Hopefully, I'm back to stay.

I told this to Joani, but I love Houston: I love the pace, the people, the immense possibilities that can be had, right here. There is that saying, "Everything's big in Texas," and it is the immenseness of possibility, of people's hearts, I think, in this warm Southern state that make it big. I especially like the neighborhood I'm in: right near downtown (though I've never really been there except this one night to listen to a band with Ana), near Rice U, with funky shops around (Gamestop, Whole Earth, and Teahouse tapioca included!), and Wholefoods a good walk away--enough to look around and reflect. Having Whole Foods nearby is spoiling me to only look for fresh, organic produce! But I guess that's best for the long run: we're talking about our bodies, after all. OK, so the weather can be a bit nuts (going from a pleasant 70 Fahrenheit to a miserable 45 in hours, if not minutes), but it's a part of this state's identity. At least gas is a bit cheaper, and taxes aren't as astronomical as California's. But...I don't know: there is a "6th sense," a sort of radar one has if a place, a situation "feels" right, or wrong. Ever since I've started traveling on my own, and especially now, living on my own, I have come to rely on it and not discount it. There are certain places that have a weird feel, and I avoid that place if on my own, and there are places that just give a warm vibe, and I am at ease. The place I'm great, and Houston itself, even with its immensity, matches itself with a big heart, so far from what I've seen and felt, however kooky that may sound. And I like it here. A lot. Not to mention I work in a good place, surrounded by good people. The yoga is taught the way it should be; people are (mostly) oh so kind and supportive. As I told a colleague, why mess with something good? It's been harder on my parents having me so far away (my boss knows what I'm talking about!), and there were tears on both sides when it became apparent I wanted a life away from the home I grew up in, but there was some reluctant acceptance. Besides, I wouldn't have decided so if the situation weren't good. But it is. Things are still a bit rough around the edges--growing always is (if it's not, something will present itself later on, so better earlier than later, I think), but I am blessed with supportive parents and great colleagues who treat me like family, thank the gods. Armed with these, I can only grow onward and upward :-) Next up, to learn how to drive. Especially in Houston, this is an essential skill! Then maybe we'll see about web design and holistic nutrition in the future. My parents are all for it, and I told them not to buy me any more stuff: an education is one of the most important gifts; I am glad my parents think so, too.

And because Ralph tagged me: "List 10 things that make you happy"

1. backbends
2. music, music, music.
3. walking, wandering, however you call it.
4. browsing/shopping
5. taking my time
6. engaging in happy conversation
7. dogs (and of course puppies!)
8. order and neatness
9. flowers
10. efficiency

Y'all can create your own list of 10 that make you happy, then tell me :-)

From Houston with love,
Therese (Trissa)

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Closing Cycles

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Closing Cycles
by Paulo Coelho
Saturday, May 13, 2006.