It's May 6 already, the end of the 3rd week, and 13 days to my birthday! Eek! Memorizing the dialog has been über difficult, but I think I'm just really afraid, so gotta work on that triple time, aside from another Anatomy test for tomorrow. Tried talking to visiting teachers more, but so far, I guess it's too early to say: they're non-committal (on possible help for employment). It's been difficult waking up in the morning, sometimes just being on pure auto-pilot, sometimes not knowing my name (proverbially). Training's been getting harder and harder. We're now being made to memorize the dialog more intensively, but it's been tough, what with living arrangements--even if we live just a few floors on top. And I've never lived on my own and had to fend for myself from almost scratch, laundry and food especially. Food's been basically pre-cooked cold food, usually tofu salads, seaweed, and marinated vegetables, or frozen microwave-ready food, with fresh fruit on the side, and peanut butter in a pinch. On a lighter note, I can basically eat whatever I want, and just that. I've discovered ACAï, a berry from the Amazon richer in antioxidants than blueberries by at least 10 times! It's so good, I have at least one smoothie of it every week at the mall. They even have sherbets, but I still like the fresh smoothies best. And GOJI berries, another powerful antioxidant. Then there's BUBBLE TEA: I know the best place that DOESN'T USE POWDER. Also discovered KEFIR, something like yogurt. When I drink it for breakfast with cereal, ZHOOM I go to the loo. It's more effective to me than yogurt and doesn't hurt my stomach lining. There's also a blue cheese I found at the supermarket made from raw unpasteurized milk. It's the best blue cheese I've ever had, something like cambozola but rawer, sharper, and NOT SO SMELLY. But laundry. OhmyGOD laundry. Just think of a room with 320 sweaty people, and a sweaty carpet, in 100+ ºF heat, twice a day, everyday, with 1.5-2 hours max break after to eat, bathe, do laundry (otherwise the clothes will get infested with bacteria--I learned the hard way) before lectures until 1 or 1:30 am, to wake up at 6:30 am of the same day. And then we have to figure out when we can study in between. That doesn't even cover our emotional states, our hang-ups, our fears, our high potential for illness, our issues and concerns. But I'm just trying to trust the process.
Luke, one of our teacher-trainers, says it so eloquently:
i had a few thoughts from my experience with you this week.
connection and attachment are definitely
not the same thing.
words with no peace mean nothing. peace with no words leave you little recourse with which to share as a teacher. please learn your dialogue. please be as willing to let go of it as you are to hold on to it. only
with that willingness comes proficiency, and ultimately mastery.
learning is like a baby kitten in this way. you cannot hold it too tight, or you will squeeze the life out of it.
asana is the same thing. you have to let it happen as much as you make it happen.
life is a really long asana.
it does not take a strong person to hold on to the roots and branches at
the edge of the river to keep from falling in. it takes a strong person
to let go and be willing to risk drowning for the sake of moving with
please be willing to be someone you never imagined.
when you become that person, even if it took all of your blood and sweat and
tears and vomit, be ready to let go of it and become someone else.
understand that if you become something, it was always there anyways.
if you realize something, it is the same.
facts are all around you. truth is all inside of you. it is what you are made of. you just have to admit it.
you see in the world what you be in the world.
excuses keep us from doing things. inspiration gives us permission to do them anyways.
please embrace that which challenges you the most, as it is also what offers you the most.
it takes serious work to have fun sometimes.
power and force are easily attained and noticed. they are also as easily
lost. both combined are nothing compared to the immeasurable,inconceivable possibility of energy. energy is as infinite as your ability to imagine it. it is also as lasting.
energy is not a thing you have. energy is a choice you make.
it is never too late, too old, too sick, to make that choice.
every second holds the possibility of choice, and therefore the possibility of the infinite nature of energy.
the present self is the most empowered, energized version of oneself. the
present self is not dominated by the patterns of the past, nor the
fears of the future. the present self may find lessons in the past, and
embrace the potential and space the future holds, while still abiding
in the bliss that is what is happening now.
the ablest teacher of presence we have is our breathing.
at 3 am, sleep can be pretty great. almost as great as the moon i forsake the sleeping for.