Monday, July 09, 2007

Living Small (Should Be) No More

So here I am, still sick with the flu. I just noticed something, though: I sneeze small.

I sneeze with my lips pursed, body tight and tensed, held back, only to produce a sound a kitten would produce: a muffled "tch." I try to make the smallest sound possible.

It makes me remember something my director criticized me with, and that is living small. He says I do not help myself by living small; instead to live big so that others can follow that light. I also recall something said in training: to be interested and not interesting. In my opinion, living small isn't even interesting, but there you go. I think Letitia from Santa Fe said it, that shy people are selfish people, keeping their light to themselves.

In this regard, my director again pointed out that "living small has worked [for me] for 23 years" Indeed it had, and has. My parents (bless their hearts) are such dominant beings, and here I am, Ms. Big Mouse. In fact, after class, where I was silently beating myself up over my mistakes, a fellow classmate-student asked me if I was an only child (known perfectionists!) and when I admitted I was, she told me to live with imperfection; "we are not perfect, and that's ok" she smilingly says.
Another teacher tells me to get MAD, (sing angry songs like Alanis' he says, not sweet songs like I usually do) and to project, banish my fears, my insecurities, bring energy with my voice. And THAT is hard for me--me, who is so used to living small, wanting to always make myself blend in with everyone else. Argh. But they are all right in that it IS a mindset, and in being that, is hard to break. As Bikram is fond to say, it's all in the mind. And that is the hardest thing to change.

We are not perfect, and that is ok. So live BIG, shout out, sneeze out loud, and that's ok!

Perfect, by Alanis Morissette

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

*DISCLAIMER: I love my parents!

1 comment:

Kiya said...

Not all shy people are selfish. Be careful with such a judgement. People have stronger lights than others and some people like to feed off of others light. Some people look like they are living small but may be living much larger than one can see.