It's already the 18th of July, fancy that. Seriously, I haven't been keeping track of the days anymore. They've just been passing in and out of my consciousness.
The last time I wrote, I was sick with the flu. Now, thanks to a heady combination of Vitamin C, B6, B12, Calcium and Biotin, that is no longer the case. However, my mind still seems to be stuck in limbo. Or is it my body, or both?
Coming back to the studio from illness, I return to find it in a quiet uproar, chaos very carefully, discreetly hidden...unless you look very carefully, stay perfectly still, and sense the roaring discord barely muffled, the huge confusion and angry bewilderment. The tide is now moving so fast, you don't know how to stop it, or move along with it perfectly in sync, so you just get swept up and start to cease caring. In the studio, it is a quiet disaster, and too afraid to be caught in the crossfire, I am resigned to the unsettling vibe, carefully trying to avoid the large gaping hole where a presence used to be last week.
I came in to this vibe only minutes before class, and only a day before I was to teach my 7th class. [After class,] a well-meaning student chided me on stuttering, telling me to ignore my director who also took the class. However, my director told me it was a huge improvement from my previous ones, so much so that it was one he would pay for. Wow! :) 'Hope I keep it up.
Tomorrow I teach my 8th class. Gotta review and rehearse, even as I'm told to let it flow; I'm still at that stage where I need to practice, even knowing that it won't turn out like it was rehearsed, but still, it's at the stage where "every bit counts." At this moment of uncertainty, I was told, and indeed it is, that "life is full of surprises, ever-changing; all we can do is yoga to stay calm..." Indeed it is true.
At the core of all this is also a belief in the self, a belief that we will surpass anything that comes our way. A fellow (albeit senior)teacher-yogini sent me a particularly nice quote below, a quote to reassure, and to give strength for my continuing path:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson, "A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles"