I just taught my 6th class yesterday. When is the next class? I still honestly don't know. First off, I'm sick and have no voice, and second, having no chauffeur in upper middle class Manila + über-protective parents = immobility. So here I am at home, not that I'm regretting it: I'm getting to rest. Good Lord, who ever knew it's so tiring to teach a class? I haven't gotten to that point where energy between me and my students are shared and not just supplied by me.
So I taught my 4th class last Sunday--my biggest one yet: 40 people, and of those 40, 6 being newbies. I briefed them about the yoga before class, as well: my first briefing, ohmygosh. Anyway, so I taught--on the platform: my first time to. Hoo boy, was it different--but in a good way: I could feel the energy, though it was agreeably a lot more than my usual 8 student-class. Then things started dropping in triangle, and dropping fast: students were dropping like flies. And I panicked, then my voice went down, and along with it my command of the class. Argh. After class, an attending teacher (actually, my teacher) told me my class was better than he thought it would be. [The next day, he told me my timing was good, and I had energy, but it's still trapped in all my insecurities and lack of confidence. So he had me practicing entering a class and throwing my voice across the room. Eek: the latter was particularly hard!] However, that night, my studio director called and told me he heard it was a horrible class, so I still have to do mock classes. That was a blow; I thought I was doing better: I had been working on my dialog; I guess the client just didn't think I was up to snuff. When I shared this with a friend, a newbie who had taken that class to show her support, she said the class was ok, and said not to mind that particular criticism: as a newbie, I'm allowed to make mistakes more than usual! I guess. But it left a sour taste in my mouth regardless. When I went to class the next day, I was still exhausted from that class: is that normal?!
My next (5th) class was last Wednesday. The day before, I had already been given a copy of the keys to the studio so as to open the studio early, for a 6:30 am class. Also, I practiced the full dialog the night before, which made me feel more secure. More friends came to show their support, this time fellow yoginis who'd already been practicing for a while. And this class was good: everyone said do afterwards. I was so happy. They said I smiled more, breathed more, relaxed more. Probably it's because the director isn't here, my students joked. I think that getting me to mill around the students helped a lot, too.
The most recent one was yesterday. Even before this class started, I was not feeling well. The night before, I barely practiced the dialog, I was so tired. So yesterday, my energy was off: I felt it, but I soldiered on. Afterwards, my students didn't say anything, though some said that though last Wednesday's was better, this one was still better than last week's. Another student added to review the floor postures, as my standing series is already pretty good and I'm already pretty comfortable with it. Good feedback. Will do that tomorrow. I just decided to take the rest of yesterday off, as well as today. My voice is just on and off, but my throat hurts like hell. All my joints seem to hurt, and my head feels like a huge weight on my shoulders. My director's asking for help to teach a class in his other studio on Monday, but in my condition, plus no transportation to get there, I don't think that's possible at this point. Still, as much as it's lately gotten a bit difficult for me to start the ball of teaching rolling, so to speak, though I still get a bit tongue-tied in class, and though it's been sucking the energy out of me, I love doing it. It is a beautiful, liberating, life-changing process, or experience, whatever you want to call it. Actually, can it even be named? It's so huge, to the point it's beyond explaining. And that whole...thing....I love it, am terrified, humbled, and exhilarated by it.
'Til the next class, then.