Friday, January 12, 2007

Thinking, as usual.

I'm proud of what I've accomplished: I cleared my Santa Fe cabinet, my night table's drawers, and two rows of shelves....and I found my gold chain that I've been missing since New Year's Eve (from my Dad's mum), as well as filled up all the darn raffle stubs! Woot! Go, me! Next--to sort the pictures I found, go down memory lane while I'm at it.

I finally went to my ENT. Ugh, sinusitis and middle ear infection, congested nasal passageways and irritated eustachean tube from the darn construction next door going on since frickin' OCTOBER. (Maybe that's why I've been having difficulties with balance lately, getting dizzy so easily, too. Now I've been prescribed with a heady cocktail of antibiotics and steroids. Whoop-de-doo. Who am I kidding: I hate having to take drugs.) They said they'd finish by December, but now they push it to March. What the heck. So we have to suffer--from the dust, and the rats and roaches. Eeeeew. Because of them, I...had to....kill a *gulp* roach. Eeeeeeek. I hated it: gave me the willies and the heebiejeebies. Oh and the way it splatted sickly against my slipper? Holy hell. I washed my legs, my neck, my hands, my arms, the inside of my elbows. Oh grossgrossgrossGROSS. (NOT VEGAN!) Of course, the slipper had to be scrubbed to high heavens. Then one of our helpers killed this humongous rat today. Eeeeeek.So please God, let them be finished SOON.

This much time on my hands gives me ample rest, but also ample time to endlessly loop thoughts--some useless and irrational. Yet another of the kind is bothering me yet again. To contact or not to contact? That is the question. I've been missing D again--not as bad, but still there, wondering how D is, etc. I admit I still fantasize a bit if we were together, but heck, practicality comes crashing in and the worrywart part of me acknowledges it would be a very difficult road to take--my parents potentially disowning me, and having to prove myself time and again in the workforce, having no one else to really provide for me, no secure, legal future with D, no medical benefits, etc. So that part of me tells me to run like hell in the opposite direction....but I still miss D and would like to be friends again. I just worry D might want more, again...and if I do, too.

I've also been trying to rekindle old relationships--those I set aside, forgetting how much I treasured them. Perhaps there are second chances; perhaps it's still not too late.

With the time on my hands, which my folks will hopefully not harass me about, I'm hoping to be strong enough to fly away soon--and be accepted with no trouble. oh Lord, please may it be. As F says, "Teh-REE-sa! You have to be stuh-RONG!" Indeed. Hope against hope, I must.

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