Brazil down there

Among the humdrum activities of this day...wait: should I even be proclaiming this in cyber space? But whatever.

So. Aside from celebrating my first so-far-successful (with my parents) week of sleeping in my room (I AM 22, for goodness' sake) and so far succeeding (again, with my parents) in being vegetarian (almost no eggs and even less milk)...

I had a Brazilian done today. For the first time.

Yes, there is pain. But weirdly, the pain felt...good? Like a release of sorts (can anyone say orgasm)? And the thick, sticky mass of heat, with the syrup smoothed down to be ripped off, along with the offending hair, felt oddly..good--like something thick, creamy, smooth: licking, sliding down you, before the immense, hair-raising, muscle-trembling, belly-clenching PAIN.

And when all is said and done, the feeling of..emptiness and bareness, smooth expanse, was like a skewed perverted return to childhood. I mean, I haven't been smooth down there since I was like 12! But as much as it did feel cleaner and barer and freer as was promised, it also felt more empty.

So I don't know if Brazil will make a return down there. Perhaps. But then again, perhaps not.

Monsoon Season

Water water
everywhere all around
dripping, beating-bearing down
savagely relentlessly mercilessly
soaking
clothes
hair
skin.

The very walls are seeped with
water, moisture.
The skin is bloated (bursting) with
water

but

the water continues to bear down
down
down.

Something Nice

THE GREATEST* ADVICE
(*well maybe not the greatest I think, but great nonetheless!--Therese)

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals. Don't stagnate!

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr./Ms. Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr./Ms. Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won.
Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and
dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It isn't true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets
more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your
life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why
the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. Relationships
take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E
because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for
others, but how much we give of ourselves.

-Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

Twilight

Tonight
beckons with its stillness,
its lazy calm:
the crickets chirping their benediction.

Tonight
lures with its inky blackness,
its velvety silence
the desolate isolation.

Tonight
comes the irresistible siren’s call:
to revel,
to (be) still
(in solace)
in sleep.

A Communicative Decision

Friends, help:

what 3G triband phone should I get:

Nokia 6233N73

or

Motorola RAZR v3x?

Well, I want to get something that has all sorts of features (but not too much), a bit different, but not that hard to use. I was already leaning towards the RAZR v3x, but now that Nokia's 6233N73 came up, I'm not so sure. Thing is, I heard the 6233 doesn't support video calls?N73's a bar phone and not foldable and well, Nokia (i.e. mass appeal: everyone will have it) But Motorola has no FM station and infrared, and I read it's slow?

Help!

On the Here and Now

Life's been quite good, though it might seem boring to some. I mean, I read 'til my brain is close to bursting (maybe from struggling to soak up all the information?), and my job as a grad assistant is basically doing the stuff teachers usually don't want to do(!). Having time for yoga and voice has been pure bliss, and having more free time (conceptually, but it's taken up by reading, and running errands!). However, just the other night, my cousin came over--my cousin in Marketing, who earns about 50k a month (minus taxes is 35k, but still) And that brought up issues of the rat race, the money game, which is so not me. But I'll figure out what exactly I do best sometime in the future, soon, I hope (it needs to be soon), so that I won't have that feeling of inferiority and failure stamped on me (by parentals?) Well, I guess as long as I don't spend too much, I'll be OK. And I don't--well, except for books, and organic stuff (sometimes!), but not luxury items (like cars 'coz I don't drive...or fur, poor animals!). I'll see what the future will bring later, but for now, I'll enjoy the present, I guess. So much to do, so little time! Well, now, there's more time to burn, more dreams to realize, I hope. And indeed, I can hope.

Hairy Hostility

Who says I have to go to the gym every day?

Who says that the only way to take care of my health is to lift iron and cycle endlessly without going anywhere?

I say no longer.
I say enough.
I say to take another road, from time to time. So I did.

When my sanctuary becomes a mindless automaton of a place, there is a certain alarm to that, so I dashed all gym plans...and went to the salon. I needed a change of scenery, man.

I damn my trainer for a short stint in hell as he said I bloated over. Well, you won't understand 'til you become a woman, which is never, BOY. And even if I don't stuff myself to bursting but still look like I did, well, dammit, I GIVE UP. Your opinion isn't my end-all and be-all, nor will I let it come close.

So now I am an auburn-streaked goddess, with tended feet and polished nails. See me dazzle. Hear me roar.

Complacency in Conspiracy

Homeostasis
I am in the cradle of civilization
(I am its cradle)
asleep curled up
lying in wait
biding
biding

'til catastrophe
threatens
to break the cradle
shatter into a million pieces
eschew the wood
masticate pulpify
until it
(I)
turns to dust

but that is still too far away
for now

I will sit back
lie still
drift into slumber
complacency
amidst
conspiracy

To My Beloved Stranger

You probably won't read this,
nor know of its existence. For
after all,
we only meet once
in a week
exchange pleasantries,
then
go about the business of living.
Nevertheless--
thank you,
for teaching me how to truly savor again,
pause to feel the air
dance to the music
marvel at the whistling wind,
to re-engage in life's mystery
to rediscover my innermost being
for reawakening my inner goddess,
for loving myself
all over again.

Appendage

Legs.Feet--
alabaster,
long and
lean,
smooth
perfection unflawed

but

golden
narrow knotted
vein-filled, rough
chunky

real

and

mine.

Anti-Nirvana

Will you allow me
to dream
blueberry dreams
henna hues
orange sunsets
and
purple dawns?

I want to
dream,
aspire,
for vibrance
passion.

Will you allow me
to reach
(feel)
my state of
bliss?

Beautiful Beast

Is it beauty that
vanquishes
the beast,
or the beautiful beast
vanquishes
the brutish belle?

Another light dims
for darkness to envelop
as the world get
smaller
lonelier once again.

One Dream at a Time

Truth be told....

it was awkward suddenly accepting the GA (grad assistant) position.

After the advice my lovely mentor, O-sensei, gave me, I had actually told myself that I would stick it out with PETA for one year--for the experience of working outside the academe, thus broadening my perspectives, at the same time work still being for something I believe in. But it was a grim sort of tenacity. I didn't feel anything really going for me anymore: I was sliding into this daily, mindnumbing grind. Then my manager--my MANAGER (R, who's become the big sister I never had) told me that I don't need to be at PETA to save the animals, that I shouldn't hang on to something just because I'm afraid to let others down. And ohmygod, she was right. I felt stuck, and I feared I would never get out. On the other hand, once I got past the grim determination to stay with PETA, no matter what, I saw that by going the grad assistant way, I would finish faster, and have more possibilities (with the hours freed up from PETA--20 hours from 45!)

Because I do have dreams, 20 of which are the following I hope to do before I leave this earthly plane:
-become a certified yogini in either Vinyasa or Bikram or Integral
-become a certified openwater diver
-take a vegetarian cooking course
-learn how to ride the bike! (I prefer this to fossil fuel-run vehicles, thank you very much)
-be accepted into, and attend, a writing workshop (preferably the Siliman one!)
-take a summer course in Cambridge/Oxford (and go rowing, natch!)
-read (and FINISH!) James Joyce's Ulysses, among other books...but this one is numero uno
-take a 6-month "sabbatical," backpacking across England or India--preferably ALONE, or with a trusted, bosom-friend
-get a grasp of the French and German language (if only 'til the level of my current Spanish!)
-(maybe) become fluent in Spanish and Mandarin
-have my own flat, my own plants, my own animal companion (if ever!), in as much a plant-based environment as possible--food, cleaning agents, furniture, and all that jazz (and yes, I want the solar panels, the rainwater barrel...), getting to decorate it myself--or have a say on how it would go, and being a part of its creation, at least!
-(try to) have twins--preferably with matrimony
-(maybe) open a vegetarian restaurant/holistic center (with partners?)
-(maybe) re-take ballet (thunder thighs be damned!)
-(maybe) learn the art of SLR film cameras
-(maybe) get a tattoo
-re-take art lessons (never went into this seriously)
-re-take voice lessons-->DONE
-pledge to have my organs donated
-make sure my body is burned and my ashes thrown from atop a mountain facing the sea (how oh so melodramatic)

In pursuit of these, I'm going back to yoga on Thursday--and hopefully yoga-boy, though he's a side-benefit: Bikram yoga feels so cleansing and calming, ohmyGOD. Then I'll be going back to my voice "roots" as well. Truth be told, back in Senior Year High School, I was thinking of applying to UP College of Music. However, I was held back by what my Dad had said: that "to make it in the music scene, you have to be really good." And I was afraid I wasn't, that there are too many other people better than me, that I wouldn't make money from it, making my college degree a waste, so I didn't. Then again, I don't know what taking an MA in LCS will bring me financially, either! Ah, well. Such financially-inept persons as I do exist in the world...!

But ever since I stopped singing for the Glee club back in High School, and taking Solfeggio with my quite-renowned violinist-conductor (he was a candidate for National Artist) grandfather(back when he was still in control of his somatic and cerebral qualities), it's always been an ache--ACGC practices being 'til 8-9 pm NOT helping! Besides, as much as most of us grandkids are musical, none of us never really took it as a passion. And I want to take that torch up. So I will: I'm going to (try to) take it up, and hey, why not? I've got the time :) As O-sensei said, one step at a time, to which I add, a discovery of my self, one step at a time. And right now, I just don't think PETA will allow me this "gradual self-discovery" that becoming a GA does.

For now, my decision stands, and this time, I truly feel it's right. Maybe this is what Oa (my Tita Lolita, who is my grandmother's cousin and best friend residing in Maryland, and who is a close friend too) meant when she asked if I had asked God what he had to say (?!). For now, though, we'll see where it goes. So Saturdays, it's Danny in the morning, then Lulu and Jonathan in the afternoon (Lit 251: Fiction, Lit 202: Theory and 201: Research, respectively). ALL 3, in one day.

GOD, I hope I survive grad school!