Rainy Day Thursday

One more day to the weekend. Oh please God. I'm getting cranky missing Jess. How come the closer and closer it is to seeing him the more and more acute I feel missing him? That has to make sense, but right now it doesn't, and instead just seems very twisted and perverse.

It's been raining cats and dogs for two days now, moreso today. Dude, WOW. And it's like why can't it be more like this?! Well technically it shouldn't as it means for more humidity, not that it isn't humid enough as it is. But I do like walking in the rain, especially when I'm not super dressed up but in flip flops and going to a job that requires me to sweat anyway, in very little clothing. So yeah. It's fun, I just don't like the bugs and the amphibians that may emerge. Them aside, the rain tends to bring a little quiet and calm and stillness to the busy city, making me reflect and go inward. At the same time, the rain brings happy memories of suspended classes, of childhood listening to the pitter patter of rain against the river stone-lined driveway of my gradparents' home, where I spent my childhood: that earthy smell of rain hitting earth. God I love that smell. It's nice to introspect.

I wish there were a time set aside for us to learn things, then emerge, like from a cocoon, out into the world, ready to succeed, with all the right skills. This rarely happens, if at all, which sucks. I guess we just have to learn along the way. Tough, but I guess we have no choice if we want to succeed: it also makes success all the sweeter. Now to remember that, suck it in and toil on.

As much as things are difficult right now financially, I can't help but feel a little cheery as the weekend draws closer. Even as I recall the quote a friend drew from "Eat, Pray and Love" on letting go:

'Groceries,' Richard says, 'listen to me. Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it -- in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.'
'But I really loved him.'
'Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? this guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. that's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries -- you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh.'
'I'm not laughing.' I was actually crying. 'And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.'
'He probably was. your problem is you don't understand what the word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holdling you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life is just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over[,] Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby -- you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.'
'But I love him.'
'So love him.'
'But I miss him.'
'So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot -- a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in -- God will rush in -- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

I dunno. Does it have to be this way? Can't we settle down with a person and continuously grow and stick it out with him/her? What if that's what I want? What if I think I know who I want to settle down with already, this soon? Holy shit scary thought but yeah. It's like wanting to be with him all the time, seeing him all the time, at the same time, thinking when he's around I don't get anything done, but wanting him near anyway. One question is if it's a mutual thought, but for that only time can reveal. The passage deals with non-attachment, but I like attachment; I think it makes me human, which I am, no denying that. Probably not over-attachment because that's just sad, but yes, attachment, we are earthly beings and have only so little time here in this plane, after all.

So little time: August is around the corner, lots happening then=money spending, too, aii-ya! But yes, also meaning four months in :) Gotta get a good job hopefully soon, to stay, and hopefully it will all be worth it.

Aunt Flo rages

When I doubt myself, being in a relationship, doubting things that matter, I think it's time I go to sleep.

There may be rough patches, there may come a time when I feel feh and so see a relationship needs work too or ponder if I should do something else to prove I am capable of having fun elsewhere, thank you very much. But...

YES my boyfriend is awesome. YES we have a lot in common. YES I bring a lot to the table. YES I am awesome.

Now go to bed.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. -Anonymous

When I think of my blessings, I think of you twice. -Irish proverb

There is always the chance that things will be better in the morning.

Things to Do

-get a tattoo: Seriously, one day: on my nape or hip, but hip ones change shape easier, so.
-get a better paying job: working on it, though gods I never knew how difficult and how it in itself is a process
-learn how to drive: um, YEAH.
-get a place with a washing machine and dryer: will help a lot but in the future, maybe: not really just yet
-grow my hair, and not highlight it anymore: we'll see. I want a trim sometime soon, though.
-join a band or choir (again): I miss singing. A LOT.
-go traveling again: God I miss it. Maybe Tibet! or Morocco...
-get scuba certified: maybe ask Mom if I can have that for Christmas?
-go back to school: learn something new, or relearn a language (which can also mean travel, whee)
-grow with my boyfriend: this would be nice to do :)
-love myself more: er.
-get healthier: figure out especially why especially I've been conking out so easily and frequently :(


I'm sure there are more out there, but this is what's on my mind right now.

Musings on a Late Work Day

Ok, ok, so maybe I am a mellow music girl. Mostly. I've been having this song on repeat in my head that a relative sang that just mesmerized me. It's called Crashing Home:

Storm's raging, now off course to the belly of a whale
the drowning into darkness there is nowhere else to sail

CHORUS: Coughed up on the beach last night, I'm crashing home
I've got nowhere to reach for the light, I'm crashing home

You try to hold me, I'm writhing, we both get beaten black and blue
I hold you, you're smiling, we both learn something true

CHORUS

You pull, I let you, til there's almost no air
I pull, you leave me, we breathe in stale air

CHORUS

You lick my wounds, I bite the hand that feeds me
We pay us back and pretend to love each other sweetly

Bridge: Drop through where the sky is open, I fall through where the questions burn to
where my eyes shine from, to where my heart knows from, to where my soul melts and quenches as hope

CHORUS

...Leastways that's what I heard (no lyrics, maybe I should ask for some, duh)

Anyway. As I looked up into the night sky going back home from doing laundry one evening (I was asked if I felt safe walking late at night and I'm like, well yeah, it's pretty much half a block and what are they going to steal from me: dirty, sweaty, stinky yoga clothes? Good luck with that. But yeah, touch wood anyway), I noticed the moon is again almost full, and it hit me how time truly does fly past. It is already July, and I have not really accomplished much yet. I have moved, true, but that has been a financial drain above all else. Not to mention I've never really cleaned before, and sometimes, sometimes, I think I am allowed to pout, stamp my not-so-little foot and complain that back from where I came from, I had people cleaning for me everyday, never having to worry about a dirty floor or bathroom, and worse, never having to kill roaches, which is what I had to do last night. Roaches: my worst fear. Oh gods. I had to kill one in my bathtub, suffocating it in Oust (TM) and then drowning it in antibacterial liquid soap. Then stepping out and seeing two--count 'em, TWO--roaches, side by side, almost on top of each other (OH GOD WERE THEY MATING????? NOOOOOO) on the hinges of my front door. Oh dude, no. I do not keep food out for the sole purpose of keeping roachies away, and granted, I swept last week, but that's normal for me. But dude, WHY? My neighbor and friend, whose flat I had to camp out in for a while just because I'd rather her over two roaches and a dead one for company, said it's because of the trees (the big ones are tree roaches, she said, but they looked like trash roaches, with the glossy coat and *shudder*), but her flat is closer to a tree than mine, so why did I get roaches and she didn't? Maybe a neighbor's lack of sanitary habits? I.don't.know. Seriously, though? GROSS-O. So yeah, I slept with the lights on, because I was told lights keep them at bay. Shit, I'll go for that. I might have to wait for more funds before doing anything regarding bait/extermination, but I guess I can go looking for future funding. Er. Yeah. And maybe look into going back to "school" in the future: I think I can handle it. Right now, though, there is that roach cadaver in my tub, so I guess I should clean. Oh dammit. Maybe in a while. Nyar. Then there are frames to buy, and a bedspread and tablecloth and mebbe hooks, and man I looked at friend's bathroom and hers looked so much better than mine: I felt mine looked ghetto next to hers... :-( I feel I can be more girly, so I feel I am failing somehow (and not financially, though I am improving at it: sucks to have to be patient and save, though: I never had to do it before: oh well, time to start, right?) So many things to do, so little money. Hopefully things will change for the better.

*********************

Just finished reading these comics my lovely (beloved) boyfriend lent me, and yeah those was good readin'. It's amazing how the human mind can conjure ideas up, string them together to make a story, or even an anthology. Beautiful. Reminds me how I like to write, too, and how my imagination can run wild (though sometimes not in a good way). Stories remind us of our humanity. The human mind is a great wonder, I think so. It houses our emotions and feelings, which come not from the heart, but from our mind, though it does sound more poetic to say I love you from the bottom of my heart rather than (I love you) from the bottom of my hypothallamus. And even that is something we created, our thought processes, our discernment. How do beings think, though? How do we express them? Moreover, we may not the only beings who think and express as we do. But that...wow, that can be an eternal question. Now to answer if it is one we would like to think about forever.

Indeed life is short and time is swift, and we choose how we shape it. I look around and right now, my existence is so different from what I was used to. Then again, now it is also shaped of my sweat (literally), my work, not anyone else's (ok, mostly). It has barely begun. It is difficult and scary standing up on my own new legs, and sometimes the ground looks so near, so familiar, so inviting. But that is giving in. Not just yet. With time, hopefully with support, no, standing up and then learning to walk and run are the goals. One step at a time.

Dancing with the Universe

I have to share this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY or his site http://www.wherethehellismatt.com

Watch the video. Awe-inspiring, goosebumpy-ohmygod-tear-up WOW.

Incidentally took my 1st class at Fountainview, Taz teaching (haven't had her in a good long while). This in the face of sleeping at 6 am, no breakfast, 3rd class in a row, practicing in the front beside Claire, and wearing a bra-top and loud faux-Pucci shorts to offset my tiredness, which worked, I guess. Yey for Bishnu Ghosh day!

Bago

Sige na nga.

Minsan, minsan, na-mimiss ko magsulat, magsalita sa wikang Filipino. Kahit Tagalog, o Ilonggo, basta Pinoy. Wala lang: mas nararamdaman kapag ako'y wala sa bansa kung saan ko siya magamit at maiintindihan ako, at nararamdaman din sa pagkakataon na ibig kong mai-share sa aking giliw, kahit hindi niya maintindihan; wala lang: siguro ganyan talaga.

Sinasabi nilang may komunidad dito ng mga ibang kapwa-Pilipino, pero hindi ko pa sila natagpuan. Sana balang araw...

Ngunit gusto kong manatili dito sa dayuhang bansa, dayuhang lugar. Ang sweldo ng aking trabaho ay 'di sapat, ngunit sana raraos din ako sa ganitong sitwasyon, at maipakita ko rin sa aking mga magulang na maaari na akong mamuhay na 'di nakasandal o gumagamit ng kanilang credit card, at pera.

Aminado akong may malaking kinalaman dito ang aking nobio, ngunit paano ang ganitong pakiramdam na tilang ibing mong kilalanin siya at masamahan siya habambuhay? Para sa akin, na kami'y natututo sabay-sabay ay masaya at nakakapagbigay-ligaya: na siya rin ay matalino ay mas nakakapagbigay-halaga sa aming relasyon. Kaya dapat magawan ko ng paraan manatili dito. Sana hindi masasayang lamang ang aking mga pagpursigi: sana may mga naramramdaman din siyang pagmamahal sa akin. Dahi oo, mahal ko siya. Sana mahal rin niya ako, sana matutuloy ito sa....hinaharap, sana sana. May posibilidad naman sa lahat, diba?

Ibig kong manatili pa rito. Aminado ko na minsa'y hinahanap ko ang mga "comfort" ng aking napaka komportableng buhay sa Pinas, kung saan lahat ay gumagana ng karapat-dapat, pwede akong magpagupit o pumunta ng parlor kahit kailan, ang mga damit ay linabhan na, na-plantsa na rin at natupi, ang bahay malinis, ang pagkain linuto. Aminado hinahanap ko ang mga ito minsan, sa aking mga pagkakataon ng kahinaan. Ngunit. Ngunit. Iniisip ko makakarating din ako sa ganyan, sa panahon, at kapag mkahanap ako ng ibang trabaho na nagbabayad ng mas malaking halaga. Hindi ko kailangan ang lahat ng "comforts" ng Pinas araw-araw. Una, hindi ko nagustuhang may mga katulong kami na nakasandal na kami sa kanila. Pangalawa, ang pagpunta sa parlor: pwede rin dito, ngunit di sin-dalas. At ang pinaka-importante sa tingin ko'y bata pa ako, at malusog. Kaya ko pang makaranas ng iba, maghirap, magtrabaho. Kailan pa? At sana, sana, uubra ito lahat, makakaraos ako, sana kasama ko pa si Jess, at sana, sana, it's all worth it.

Karagdagan: At the same time, kapag hindi kami matuluyan, paano na? Pag hindi umubra at kinailangan kong bumalik at magtrabaho sa pabrika, ano na ang resulta? Sabihin natin sa ngayon na ako'y ang "settle down with someone" tipong tao, eh ano kung hindi? Siempre pwede rin ang mga itong mangyari, pero sana sana hindi. Kaya sa aking sarili: maghanap na ng trabaho, rumaos na!

Sick day

Incidentally, maybe low feelings can bring one's health down, but I got really congested and runny nose last night, and so I slept with (alcohol-soaked) socks and a sweater. This morning I woke up with a heavy head (like a bowling ball!) and tight chest, slightly feverish. Everything hurts and I feel so tired. I am moving in slow motion, I swear. Tomorrow's interview 2 for a PR job I'm applying for, so I dunno how that'll go. It's outside of the loop, so I might seriously ask someone for a ride and pay them back with a good dinner, or something. And I teach afterwards in the evening (it's a whole day affair), so ack. I heard shady stuff about it, so we'll see if there'll even be interview 3. Gotta check bus sked, as well! Drinking a fortified herbal beverage now to strengthen my immune system and rev up my energy. I hope it works. Someone also mentioned epsom salts to maybe align my thyroid, salt, magnesium issues as I've been craving salt and electrolytes like anything. The fat and sugar and protein, maybe a side-effect, but hopefully it'll get fixed. Maybe I should do yoga, as well, after I teach, to push myself: I feel like doing that today. Get my mind focused. Or take a nap, that sounds good, too. Or both. Heck, why not.

I (kinda) figured it out

I shouldn't open my heart too much, but guard it. Maybe I like him too fast, too much. I don't know why, and he seems to like me, too, but I don't want to be devastated again. It's painful, and crushing.

Laundry. Feeling congested. Hopefully tomorrow (or later) is better. I teach the noon and 4:30: those are usually good energy classes. Then take 6:30? Maybe, maybe. Hopefully eating should be scaling down, too.

But yeah, gotta protect my heart. Never be too vulnerable. And do I need to talk to him later? Maybe I should hold out. It hurts too much to be so open. As much as it is beautiful and exhilarating, it hurts. I don't like getting hurt. Then again, there is that common sentiment that love is a roller coaster ride: full of highs and lows, thus it can't be love without these extremes. I dunno. I can be passionate, but it can be too intense, I guess: the lows too low. Maybe I should step away from this first, see if he misses me, see if he feels similarly, at least. 'Coz it'll hurt even more if he doesn't, and that, that I might not bear as easily, bounce back from as unscathed. I love him so much it's scary. Now to step back, and see his side, maybe. Burrow myself in work, in yoga, in reading, whatever else maybe. Maybe? Again, I dunno. Oh God the ache. Oh God the drama? Maybe I wanted it: maybe I told the universe I wanted something different for a change, but still good. But now, enough, make it good times again!

I should turn in soon. A good thing about being sad is I usually have much less desire to eat. That and not do anything else, though, so oh well. I have stuff to think about. Scratch that. I need sleep. Yes. And yoga.

Job interview #2. It's a ways out, past the loop, so hopefully they'll give me a good offer. I need all the luck and prayers, so storm heaven, please--regarding Jess, regarding employment. Incidentally, I got told off by my boss, that I should study to get better, that mistakes should no longer happen, yadayada. I resent that, but he is right, I just wish he said it better. But it is what it is. We shall see.

Eff it.

I am as miserable as a bird who got left behind for the winter migration. Or something. Moping like mad. All this over a missed phone call. I wanted to tell my boyfriend about my day so bad, but my Mom called ahead by about a minute and I very well couldn't hang up. So I called the minute I hung up, but got voice mail. No call back. I get desperate and miserable and a feeling of "d'oh!" permeates my being. Damn tear ducts decide to start working overtime this instant. What. the. hell. Anyway. How can it hurt so easily, so deeply, so quickly? Damn it all, I am not used to this. I don't like this: feeling too useless to do anything, not even enough to go out and get a drink. I feel like an effin' zombie. Why is it like this? I don't like being this vulnerable. I feel like I was at fault, but that doesn't seem right: it's not like I deliberately missed his call: I was speaking to my MOM. So I feel like taking a step back and not answering calls or any form of communication from him half to punish him (in a skewed way for not calling back--female logic), but also because I don't like getting this involved, this deep into and vulnerable to someone. At the same time I miss him so much it hurts. Fuck it. I hate this. Why, why, WHY.

Damn leaky ducts.