Get the Ball Rolling

I have no idea what I was thinking, but...

I've started my 60-day Challenge. Since Monday.

That means 60 straight days of yoga.

I should then be done in time for Thanksgiving.

Dang.

I've been praised for my backbend first by Mike, then even Stefan said I have a great flexible backbend. Then Cheryl commended me, and told me to do it outside the hot room, for Annemarie to see, [Cheryl] saying pretty soon I'll be able to grab my ankles(?!), that I should practice walking my hands back down the wall 10 times then 15 times, and if I can do 20, then I'll be ready to grip my ankles. Then today Lynn said I have a great backbend. It feels good to hear that. :) But seriously, it's "just" lifting and keeping your chest up, hips forward, tightening the glutes and thigs, everything forward to the front mirror, and just constantly looking and reaching back:"whole spine is backward bending." But then that seems to be the only posture I excel in; I still have trouble locking my knee in Standing Head to Knee Pose. Oh well; we "practice" yoga, after all: working and working constantly to improve.

So far, of the teachers whose classes I've taken, I can see clearly in my mind's eye Mike, Mercy, Stefan, Lynn, Ana, Janna. But somehow, Cheryl reminds me of Toni Jo from Las Vegas. And her walk..her walk reminds me of Denee's same outrageous swagger. OhmyGod, no. And it doesn't help that she teaches an awesome class.

Oh, and I've found fellow veg-heads in Andrea and Mercy. Mercy had this cookbook called "The Voluptuous Vegan" whose author teaches at the Naural Gourmet Institute in NYC (though there also seems to be another alternative school in Oregon, where there would also be better chances of teaching and a nicer atmosphere than in NYC). Something called "kanten" intrigued me, and I found a nice vegan recipe and explanation here.

I've booked my Thanksgiving vacation with Ninang Nilo; my debit card is working, yey! And I've taught my first double yesterday, with Mike guiding me almost every step of the way (thanks, Mike!) Seriously, though, Mike and Joani so far, touch wood, are looking to be really nice bosses/mentors. I wonder, if after 6 months, it would be feasible to live here. I need to learn how to drive, that's for sure: walking takes a lot out of a person, and the bus is unpredictable. But I'm still on Week 2, after all. We have yet to see.

 

In Transition

I'm moving into my 2nd week in Houston. So far, I've taught 7 classes already, Mon-Tues-Wed-Thurs-Fri-Sat, with a break on Sunday, and then today. I teach my first double tomorrow. Ohmygosh! Seriously, though, it's been incredible. My first class had me all nervous: I hadn't taught in a month, and as I was reviewing the dialog the night before, I realized I had forgotten most of it. Before I was to teach, Mike was up (to teach): he usually teaches the early classes, actually. So he asked me if I was ready, and when I mentioned I was nervous (and probably must have looked it!), he said I don't have to teach if I'm really not up to it; he looked so concerned. But I told him I could do it, and he smiled. :) I asked him if he was going to take my class; he told me he wouldn't if I'd get all jumpy. But I said I wouldn't, so he did. And guess what: I didn't. The vibe when I taught here was just so different. And afterwards, he did have some things to say, but they were constructive, sound, and at the same time, still very supportive. I told him afterwards that I thought he'd chomp my head off, and he hugged me and said there wouldn't be any chopping around here; how sweet! A day after, even Joani e-mailed to say Mike said it was a good class, and congratulated me! But then I had a bad class the other day, right after a great class the previous day. Despite that, my students still thanked me after class, and when I told Joani about it even she told me not to be too hard on myself!

And indeed, such are the people here, so much so I still have trouble getting used to it. Students here are thankful for class; they do not have distinct favorites: they focus on the yoga, not the teacher. At the same time, Mike and Joani generally leave us alone, teachers and desk people alike. There is that implicit trust and confidence that I am surprised to have been so generously given, but I am all the more grateful for. Here, it is not an environment of fear, but of love. And that is such a blessing.

Outside of the hot room, I have gone to Rice Village and back, though that was maybe more of a mile each way, so I'm not sure if I want to do that again, I was so sore the next day! Then I went to the bank across the street today: I found there WAS a crossroad for crossing the busy street ;-) However, the bank had already closed, so I'll just try again tomorrow. Might also go to the bookstore tomorrow; walk there maybe, whatever, get more adventurous ;-)

Last night, Janna (a fellow teacher) invited Stefan, Mercy and me to her house for dinner, where I met her dogs, yey. :-) But I was kinda woozy from sleeping at 4 that morning from reading online stuff after coming "home" at 1 from my first live non-classical concert, with Jack, Stefan, Mercy and Annemarie, tickets courtesy of Jack, the mayor of Houston's music scene! ;-) Ate a lot yesterday, and today; maybe the (lack of) sleep has something to do with it? At least I practiced (and taught) today :-s Andrea and I went to Wholefoods yesterday for groceries and stuff, after lunch at Field of Greens with her fiancé Ben. Then Tony saw the fridge today and teased me that he'd get a full breakfast right there, haha. Also been having lunch with Mercy and Stefan sometimes, who are gracious enough to wait for me when I am slow! I also heard Mike finally relented and got an iMac. Hehe; it was the combined influence of me and Jack telling him to get one. But seriously, Macs are beautiful machines. So happy for him! So touch wood, I've been getting along with most everybody, which is always nice. The first few days, I was told that here, everybody pretty much gets along with everyone else, in essence making up a yoga family; this seems to truly be the case. And that is such a blessing.

The dialog seems to be coming easier (touch wood, please Lord!): instead of reading it aloud, now, I seem to fare better reading it before class to prepare. And then I taught this morning without "rehearsing." Beforehand, I was nervous about it. But Tony told me since I teach everyday, I should do ok. And I did. And that...I couldn't even have envisioned that before coming here. That is already a small miracle. And I am truly, truly thankful; I feel blessed. Thank you, God.

So yes, I've been doing pretty good, I think, touch wood. I hope it can only get even better. At the end of the 6 months, who knows? :) It's a beautiful environment; Mike and Joani made sure the yoga would develop the way it has, I guess. And I am grateful to be a part of it.  I'm grateful to Mom and Dad who let me delve into Bikram yoga, not halfway but full throttle, even if having me away worries them half to death! Mama Cez too--evidence being Oa calling up to check on me, and to offer support of any kind. Tita Angie (Marian's mom) has also called me up, and I might meet Kristine (Kay) for dinner next week, an old batchmate from way back in 7th grade who moved to Houston. Ninang Nilo and Oa have both invited me over for Thanksgiving. Tita Neng and I have spoken, too. And Tita Marose's sister Tita Cecile said she'll meet me soon.

I'm just hoping and praying this, I, can only get better and better.

Howdy from Houston

'Hope this finds y'all fine and dandy. 

I arrived in Houston yesterday. Have a phone, just don't know the number yet!  I start work on Monday. Yikes!

 

The weather here in Houston is still pretty warm (yey!), kinda like Manila, oddly.

 

My hosts/employers Mike and Joani have been absolute darlings. Besides housing me already and fetching me from the airport, Joani paid for my 1st groceries in Wholefoods as a "welcome to Houston." Mike helped me get a phone line here, though it only does calls, I think, and to the US? Not sure, will verify. (It's actually their extra "shared" line(?), where I only pay $9.99 a month, as opposed to maybe $80 with a prepaid) He also helped me mail Marian's package for her mom. Whew: that's done! Then this evening, they took me out for dinner, how nice is that! Everyone's been so nice: they said that if I need anything (particularly on mind is to go to the bank nearby, get a razor and a foldable line-dry to dry my yoga stuff and delicates 'coz no way can I dry those in the dryer, as well as to find a Catholic church nearby), to let them know so they can give me a ride, if need be. I've met Joani, Mike, Anne Marie, Jack, Janna, Ana and Andrea, so far. And Christina didn't apprentice here in Houston; it turns out she apprenticed in Dallas, I think that's what Joani said. Ana's Nikki T (from my training)'s friend, it turns out! And she said not to worry, just to go out there and teach!

 

Mike is a Texan through and through so has this cute drawl; Joani on the other hand is from New York, so she doesn't really have that Texan accent, though she doesn't really have that New York accent, either. Mike is a dog person (most of the staff are!) and has 5 dogs which he said he'll introduce to me one of these days; Joani is a cat person. And hey, Mike's 94-year old mom practices Bikram yoga, and has practiced it since she was 84, how neat is that? So if she can do it, anyone can! Quoting Bikram loosely, "It's never too late, you're never too old, never too sick, never too broken, to practice yoga." 

 

Took Mike's class this morning, even if they told me I didn't have to: I figured it's the least I could do, to get up and introduce myself to him first thing, right? Then took his class. He praised my floor bow :)  His class was pretty gentle, actually, as opposed to what I heard, that it's tough. The humidity was great, too--not as hot as Pye's, not as intense as Tu's class. But Mike was fluid, and genuine, and so assured, which I think made all the difference.

 

I voiced some of my concerns with Mike, like how to control the class, give energy or pick up the energy again, and so on. I particularly remember one thing he told me. He said when we talked about dogs, my voice inflection changed, my eyes lit up, etc. He said to remember that as I teach class and to input that in my energy, in my voice, when I teach. And of course, dialog, dialog, dialog. He says, it's hard--he and Joani both do--but they said I'll surely get there. :)

 

Will write more when I can--whether it be evenings here when everyone's gone (as I stay in the studio), or when my computer gets connected to the wifi here. Still have to get used to the timezone, too! It's 2 hours more here than San Francisco, 1 less than NYC. So if it's 10 am in San Francisco, it's 12 noon here, 1 pm in New York, and 1 am in Manila.

 

So still settling here in Houston, will maybe explore after work settles(!). In any case, will write again when I'm not as woozy.

 

http://www.bikramyogahouston.com

In Between Trips

Oh hey, Pavarotti's dead.

And heh, wonder if this is true:
Take it here.

Anyway.

Got back last night. Didn't get to sleep 'til 5 this morning, woke up near 1 pm. Heh; having been reading Philip Pullman's "The Amber Spyglass" didn't help, either ;)

Went to Frankfurt and Munich in Germany, then Florence in Italy, and Athens and Kea in Greece. Lots of pictures. Tried to curb the shopping. But of course, bought stuff.

First destination: Frankfurt. Went to the Messe with my parents for the first time. Saw the set-up. Halle 9. Interesting. Went to stores, saw sales. Discovered Uli Knecht, and got a paisley George Gina & Lucy bag. S goes nuts over Louis Vuitton, and World of Music in Karstadt. Introduced her to Douglas Parfumerie, where she bought some Benefit stuff. Celebrated S's birthday at Rama V, an excellent Thai restaurant.

Took the ICE train to Munich, but got on the wrong wagon. Got to our seats at the last stop before Munich, to enjoy it for 30 minutes (out of 3 hours). Before that, it was one mad rush. Dad blamed me, saying I was a twit and should know better. Needless to say I was very upset, and S said later on that she did not quite know what to do with herself, aside from having motion sickness from the constant moving about.

In Munich, we met up with my German "big sis" who surprised our mutual friends at their new store location in Karlsplatz by bringing us along. Went back to the Basic bio super-store in Isartor and bought my beloved Amaranth schoko-müsli, as well as a gorgeous, multi-toned schal. At nearby Cosi Bazar, found-and bought-HUGE rings that fit my slim fingers, at reasonable prices. Tolle! Showed S Marienplatz--the Glockenspiel, the Viktualienmarkt (where I bought some Bärlauch and she some honey hand creme), St. Peter's Church, Elly Seidl (where we both bought fresh, handmade chocolates!) Dallmayr (where she bought coffee beans), Funf Höfe, and the Residenz (the latter new for me, as well); brought her to Linderhof and Oberammergau, then after a horrible tourist lunch, took the arduous climb up Neuchwanstein and Mary's Bridge, coming back to Munich exhausted. Remembered the bahn  routes. Remembered my scant German.
I love Munich.

The train ride back, we were early, and got on the right wagon. Was able to read more of Philip Pullman's "The Subtle Knife" while S dozed.

In Frankfurt, rushed to the hotel then to the Messe to meet up with the parents--and see the fair on its last day. Manila FAME doesn't even come close.

Next day, left for Florence. Ate at 13 Gobbi for lunch. Yum, yum. My parents come to Florence to shop and to eat, and this time brought us along to their haunts and introduce us to their sukis: Farmacia Mustermann, the Erboristeria Spezieria Palazzo Vecchio, the enoteca they frequent, the piazza and Sta. Maria Novella--both scenes in the movie Hannibal(!), the department store La Rinascente (where we were able to get La Perla cheap!), Giotti--the original Bottega Veneta, Prada, Pucci, Armani (where S got sonnenbrille), Gucci (where Dad got shoes), Angela Caputi (where Mom and I got beautiful shawls on saldi!) and Etro, my favorite--the pattern on pattern, as Dad describes it (where I got a shawl, sonnenbrille, a shirt on saldi and a travel bag). Went to rub the pig (Il Porcellino) for good luck, as well. Consulted a map and a Louis Vuitton salesman's directions to Vivoli in a previously-unexplored part of town, but alas, the shop was closed for the summer. Ate gelato at another gelateria anyway. Molto bene.

That night found S struggling to pack everything she'd bought. Mom sends Dad to the rescue and we sleep at 3:30, only to wake up at 6:45, very late, to leave at 7 to catch the plane to Munich at 8:55 (to connect to Athens from there)! Andiamo! Nonetheless, we make it and I doze on the plane.

We meet Anthony (real name Adonis) in Athens in the afternoon. He had been waiting as per his wife Sofia's instructions since before noon. As we speed to the port in his car--our parents in a taxi as we with all our luggage simply wouldn't fit into his tiny car--he tells us about the fires that ravaged Greece, saying the damage would take 15 years or more to undo. Neither was this catastrophe of natural causes, he said. As to why, he said maybe terrorism.

We rode on a ship to Kea, car and all (what we call ro-ro in Manila). Boat rides and I never get along, so when we got off the ship, it took all I had not to throw up. The winding road to their vacation home didn't help, either. Nonetheless, I survived. Anthony said, "Don't do anything; relax!" Had to help him; he had a bad back; besides, if I didn't move the luggage, he would have a hard time backing out of the driveway. Met their Indonesian housekeeper Sofina, who cooked delectable meals throughout our stay, even cooking vegetarian for me! Every meal was a celebration, every meal a feast, every dish a delicacy. The olives, the marmalade with crunchy sugar, figs plucked fresh from the tree, cherry conserve, sheep cheese, homemade crepes, orange-bread, peppers (or as Anthony calls them, pepperoni), and yes, I ate fresh lobster to respect our hosts, but what lobster, so sweet and juicy..! Our hosts' son Kristos even taught me how to eat it ;)

And the beaches--nothing to rival Boracay, for sure, but the Aegean waters are cool, the waves none too strong...and no-one cares whether you go in with a 1-suit, a bikini, or nothing at all. Still, compared to our small-boned hosts, I was huge, or at least felt it...which needlessly bothered and frustrated me to no end.

We went back to Athens with skin tanned (not sure about S) and bellies full. And it was a different Athens from the Athens I saw 10 years ago. Athens is so much more developed and progressive now. The night we arrived, I was too tired to do anything else but sleep. The next day, however, we went to our hosts' office (Le Shop) and there Mom and Dad were shown ideas for expanding the business. Then we took the train--Anthony showed us how--to the Akropoli, for S to see. But at high noon. Good Lord. Afterwards, we went to Plaka for some shopping and some late lunch and last-gelato(!), ending our day tour with a drink at the top of the hotel overlooking the Parthenon and the entire city.

In the airport, I followed Mom to a Greek specialty shop selling mastiha. Interesting. Should tell Anthony about it. Maybe he can tell me more. Because our hosts are incredibly proud to be Greek, telling us the root meanings of words, Greek lore, and so on. Incredibly fascinating. If we had more time in Greece, I would've wanted to learn the language--how to speak, how to read the words: in fact, I was already able to decipher a little already, but only a little.

In the airport, S had problems with her tax-free forms from Germany as she lost them, and had to check her wheeled hand luggage in. Luckily she was able to salvage her precious CDs (about 120+ out of the 130) and stuff them into her other one.

And now we're back. Back to the real world. Now I have to prepare for my next trip to Texas--not a vacation, but to work, and to get real. And lose the weight gained, imaginary or no.

Mom and Dad now ask about salary and all these things, but vague me hasn't really worried about that. Now pragmatic me is nudging me to learn the ropes of our business next year, and make yoga a side-business, a hobby, maybe like what P does in Makati. I worry, however: what if I need to give that up? I want yoga to be a permanent part of my life. However, there is the reality that it is an uncertain path to monetary success. And I do like my Etros and Lululemons once in a while, and maybe yogi/eco-friendly retreats in the future, with a nifty little spa somewhere near. Plus my Dad points out that my vegan, organic lifestyle isn't that cheap, either. On the other hand, there is the business, where my mother put the responsibility ruse real thick (and being an only child, I always fall for), which she says is something on whom only I am the only person left to run, in their stead. (And what if I fail?  But that is always my fear, which often sets me back: I can fail in yoga, in veganism, in going organic, in the business, but hopefully NOT.) Still, this is not an immediate need to be answered, thank goodness. I still have my apprenticeship in Houston next, and hopefully there, things will be answered, or at the very least, much clearer--the business, yoga, veganism, going organic: hopefully they will all be on the same path.

Listening to the Music

I recently tuned in to Amy Winehouse (Rehab), Rihanna (Umbrella) and Regina Spektor (Fidelity). I'm trying to get updated :-s However, my real prized find was the soundtrack of the Sound of Music. High on the hill was a lonely goatherd, lei-i-ho, lei-i-ho, lei-i-ho! :-D So happy.

Now listening to Phantom of the Opera. Ah, bliss. Where in the world have you been hiding, really you were perfect... I love singing this.

Then I was forwarded this website. Attention dog-lovers: TYPE IN a command and see what happens: sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc. And it's also very cute if you type in a command that's not recognized! Make sure you type in "Kiss" too, but do it last.

It DOES help that I'm finally kicking my cold. Yeyness. :-D

Recap; Breather

So I taught my 13th and 14th classes two weeks ago...or how many classes now, I dunno anymore, lost track. I thought they were good, and some students said I've improved, but I guess I can't please everyone. Argh; solution is practice, practice, practice. A bit disheartened, to say the least, but gotta gotta gotta. Was almost ready to throw in the towel, and just work for Mom and Dad, but then I remembered the costs it took and the hard work I put into training.....no; no chickening out.

15th and 16th last week were better. I continued writing the dialog down, and for the 16th, I really went up and said the dialog in front of a half-length mirror. Surprisingly, the 16th class was way better; I changed my voice patterns AND my timing came back; I finished relatively on time :)

However, I'm leaving next week for a vacation with my parents--and as most people know, a vacation isn't really a vacation--it's actually quite taxing, hahaha. So I'm taking it easy this week. At the same time, I think I should--I'm down with the flu, nasal cavity super congested, my head feels like it's being split in two. I need to go see my doctors, and for some depilatory maintenance, go to the parlor, heh.

Also began reading Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner. Pretty good stuff, so far. And watched 300 for the first time(!) last night. For my fellow Ilonggos, here's a nice parody. Makadlaw gid kamo a.

Back to checking my mail. I should get some rest. Maybe later.

Classes 13 and 14 Coming Soon

Classes 11 and 12 last week especially suffered from low energy and stuttering. This week, I have yet to see. Dialog is nauseating to look at, but I must persevere, this time write it out then say it aloud instead of just reading and reciting for practice, I guess. Signed a contract today. Got my paycheck for this month's 5 classes, yippee! Class 13 tomorrow, class 14 on Friday. Stay tuned.

For those in Manila, why not give it a shot:

Bikram Yoga Manila

-Makati (I teach here more often than not):
15/f, 88 Corporate Center (beside PS Bank; across One Paseo Center, formerly IBM Building)
141 Valero corner Sedeño Streets
Salcedo Village, Makati
Phone (632)889-1011

-Quezon City
5/F CKB Centre (building where Italianni's is)
203 Tomas Morato Ave. (corner Scout Rallos)
Quezon City
Phone (632)376-4632

A Dark And Isolated Place

So there we were last night, on our way home being dropped off from a wedding reception. Almost turning into the street that would lead to our house, BAM! Possible whiplash effects, we were disoriented and not a little bit alarmed. What happened: a flat tire?? Holy shit, what the hell...

A taxi had bumped us from behind, HARD.

The road was dark, barely illuminated by orange street lamps, with no living soul in sight. (It's a good thing my Dad was at the back; otherwise, he would have gone down immediately and beat the guy up) My grandparents' driver, slight though he is, was spoiling for a fight, and in the chaos, he would have gone down, had my mom's voice rang out: "Nobody gets off the car!" And my Dad and I both said, "Just drive! Go!" Against his pugnacious instincts, he inched forward, still sneaking side glances for that infernal taxi. I urged him on, faster, snapping at him to go, because I'd experienced what could have happened had he gone down, and that would have been terrible. For what is more valuable: a car, or a life? [It's usually the latter, FYI!]

We got home safe; quite shaken, but safe. I can still remember my grandparents' faces, trying to put a brave front, but disoriented as hell. Those bastards. Will they really stoop down that low for money?

Apparently, yeah. Afterwards, my mom said the fact that we were many (or supposedly in their terms, "loaded") discouraged them. I called my grandparents once they got home; I'm just glad we all got home safe.

Snarl

I'm in a really nasty mood, and I've no idea exactly why. Have been easily getting tired, as well, accompanied by splitting headaches, but when I sleep at night, slumber comes fitfully and sporadically. My teaching's been crappy: I've been told I lack energy and I stammer, major downslide for me from the week before. And this opposite of improvement is frustrating me to no end, getting me in a worse mood, and so on.

Ironically, this week coincides with the end of my Landmark Forum, where I was supposed to improve, and I thought I did, so why this?

Anyway. Got an external hard drive of 320 GB capacity. Not bad. :) Backing up my [Bleach AVI] files as I write.

Also, for fellow fans of the now-defunct Cooking Master Boy, here is the link to the first part of the last episode. It's in Chinese, with English subtitles, instead of the usual Japanese, so it's pretty neat to listen to, as well.

As for shopping, I got a pair of Melissa shoes. They've been written about as super comfy; let me see if that is the case: my halluxed feet will testify.

It's also heartening to be able to go to a store and find bottoms that fit, finally. In Aura, I even went down a size--not bad :) However, they didn't have the smaller size in the color I wanted. Oh well: you win some, you lose some.

Consummatum Est

*Thank you, Wikipedia.

Bought the book last Saturday. Started reading it in between workshop breaks, as much as I could. Finished it yesterday, the same day my workshop ended. Deathly Hallows was a major change from the disappointment of Half-Blood Prince, if I may say so, though the movie was a complete opposite, where Chamber of Secrets was much better than Order of the Phoenix.

Even as the Harry Potter empire series has come to an end, I still wonder how Harry graduated from Hogwarts, what job did he get, etc, how his kids look, whose hair, whose is red, etc; how the rest of the Wesley family fared, who became the next headmaster at Hogwarts (Minerva McGonagall?), and if as the latter books progressed, she had the actors/actresses in mind with the storyline.

Of course, the questions can, and will, keep on coming, but it was a good run, and a good read. Thank you, Ms. Rowling.

Avoid at ALL COSTS

1. Hydrogenated oil (or trans fat) - A process that turns free flowing oil into a lard-looking solid at room temperature. The food industry uses it to increase shelf life of products and maximize profits. Eating this stuff increases the bad cholesterol (LDL) in your body and is bad for your heart.

2. Enriched flour – All the grain’s nutrients are destroyed in the refining process. Companies add a little bit of the lost nutrients back and label it “enriched” so it seems nutritious.

3. High Fructose Corn Syrup (or HFCS, also corn syrup) – Your body processes this differently than good old-fashioned cane sugar. It contains more fructose than sugar and converts to fat more easily, which adds to weight gain.

4. Refined Sugar – When you put sugar into your system, you experience a “sugar high,” that rapidly raises your blood sugar levels. So 2 hours later you “crash,” feeling tired and empty. Sugar that’s naturally combined with fat or fiber sources, like in fresh fruits, will absorb into your body much slower. Then you can avoid the roller coaster sugar ride.

5. Saturated Fats – These are found mostly in animal products and oils. Avoid the ones that are solid at room temperature like lard. They increase your cholesterol levels and clog your precious arteries, which causes cardiovascular disease. Plus they can also be used for furniture polish - how appetizing is that?

Troubled Times

It's already the 18th of July, fancy that. Seriously, I haven't been keeping track of the days anymore. They've just been passing in and out of my consciousness.

The last time I wrote, I was sick with the flu. Now, thanks to a heady combination of Vitamin C, B6, B12, Calcium and Biotin, that is no longer the case. However, my mind still seems to be stuck in limbo. Or is it my body, or both?

Coming back to the studio from illness, I return to find it in a quiet uproar, chaos very carefully, discreetly hidden...unless you look very carefully, stay perfectly still, and sense the roaring discord barely muffled, the huge confusion and angry bewilderment. The tide is now moving so fast, you don't know how to stop it, or move along with it perfectly in sync, so you just get swept up and start to cease caring. In the studio, it is a quiet disaster, and too afraid to be caught in the crossfire, I am resigned to the unsettling vibe, carefully trying to avoid the large gaping hole where a presence used to be last week.

I came in to this vibe only minutes before class, and only a day before I was to teach my 7th class. [After class,] a well-meaning student chided me on stuttering, telling me to ignore my director who also took the class. However, my director told me it was a huge improvement from my previous ones, so much so that it was one he would pay for. Wow! :) 'Hope I keep it up.

Tomorrow I teach my 8th class. Gotta review and rehearse, even as I'm told to let it flow; I'm still at that stage where I need to practice, even knowing that it won't turn out like it was rehearsed, but still, it's at the stage where "every bit counts." At this moment of uncertainty, I was told, and indeed it is, that "life is full of surprises, ever-changing; all we can do is yoga to stay calm..." Indeed it is true.

At the core of all this is also a belief in the self, a belief that we will surpass anything that comes our way. A fellow (albeit senior)teacher-yogini sent me a particularly nice quote below, a quote to reassure, and to give strength for my continuing path:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson, "A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles"

Living Small (Should Be) No More

So here I am, still sick with the flu. I just noticed something, though: I sneeze small.

I sneeze with my lips pursed, body tight and tensed, held back, only to produce a sound a kitten would produce: a muffled "tch." I try to make the smallest sound possible.

It makes me remember something my director criticized me with, and that is living small. He says I do not help myself by living small; instead to live big so that others can follow that light. I also recall something said in training: to be interested and not interesting. In my opinion, living small isn't even interesting, but there you go. I think Letitia from Santa Fe said it, that shy people are selfish people, keeping their light to themselves.

In this regard, my director again pointed out that "living small has worked [for me] for 23 years" Indeed it had, and has. My parents (bless their hearts) are such dominant beings, and here I am, Ms. Big Mouse. In fact, after class, where I was silently beating myself up over my mistakes, a fellow classmate-student asked me if I was an only child (known perfectionists!) and when I admitted I was, she told me to live with imperfection; "we are not perfect, and that's ok" she smilingly says.
Another teacher tells me to get MAD, (sing angry songs like Alanis' he says, not sweet songs like I usually do) and to project, banish my fears, my insecurities, bring energy with my voice. And THAT is hard for me--me, who is so used to living small, wanting to always make myself blend in with everyone else. Argh. But they are all right in that it IS a mindset, and in being that, is hard to break. As Bikram is fond to say, it's all in the mind. And that is the hardest thing to change.

We are not perfect, and that is ok. So live BIG, shout out, sneeze out loud, and that's ok!


Perfect, by Alanis Morissette

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

*DISCLAIMER: I love my parents!

6th Class and Counting

I just taught my 6th class yesterday. When is the next class? I still honestly don't know. First off, I'm sick and have no voice, and second, having no chauffeur in upper middle class Manila + über-protective parents = immobility. So here I am at home, not that I'm regretting it: I'm getting to rest. Good Lord, who ever knew it's so tiring to teach a class? I haven't gotten to that point where energy between me and my students are shared and not just supplied by me.

So I taught my 4th class last Sunday--my biggest one yet: 40 people, and of those 40, 6 being newbies. I briefed them about the yoga before class, as well: my first briefing, ohmygosh. Anyway, so I taught--on the platform: my first time to. Hoo boy, was it different--but in a good way: I could feel the energy, though it was agreeably a lot more than my usual 8 student-class. Then things started dropping in triangle, and dropping fast: students were dropping like flies. And I panicked, then my voice went down, and along with it my command of the class. Argh. After class, an attending teacher (actually, my teacher) told me my class was better than he thought it would be. [The next day, he told me my timing was good, and I had energy, but it's still trapped in all my insecurities and lack of confidence. So he had me practicing entering a class and throwing my voice across the room. Eek: the latter was particularly hard!] However, that night, my studio director called and told me he heard it was a horrible class, so I still have to do mock classes. That was a blow; I thought I was doing better: I had been working on my dialog; I guess the client just didn't think I was up to snuff. When I shared this with a friend, a newbie who had taken that class to show her support, she said the class was ok, and said not to mind that particular criticism: as a newbie, I'm allowed to make mistakes more than usual! I guess. But it left a sour taste in my mouth regardless. When I went to class the next day, I was still exhausted from that class: is that normal?!

My next (5th) class was last Wednesday. The day before, I had already been given a copy of the keys to the studio so as to open the studio early, for a 6:30 am class. Also, I practiced the full dialog the night before, which made me feel more secure. More friends came to show their support, this time fellow yoginis who'd already been practicing for a while. And this class was good: everyone said do afterwards. I was so happy. They said I smiled more, breathed more, relaxed more. Probably it's because the director isn't here, my students joked. I think that getting me to mill around the students helped a lot, too.

The most recent one was yesterday. Even before this class started, I was not feeling well. The night before, I barely practiced the dialog, I was so tired. So yesterday, my energy was off: I felt it, but I soldiered on. Afterwards, my students didn't say anything, though some said that though last Wednesday's was better, this one was still better than last week's. Another student added to review the floor postures, as my standing series is already pretty good and I'm already pretty comfortable with it. Good feedback. Will do that tomorrow. I just decided to take the rest of yesterday off, as well as today. My voice is just on and off, but my throat hurts like hell. All my joints seem to hurt, and my head feels like a huge weight on my shoulders. My director's asking for help to teach a class in his other studio on Monday, but in my condition, plus no transportation to get there, I don't think that's possible at this point. Still, as much as it's lately gotten a bit difficult for me to start the ball of teaching rolling, so to speak, though I still get a bit tongue-tied in class, and though it's been sucking the energy out of me, I love doing it. It is a beautiful, liberating, life-changing process, or experience, whatever you want to call it. Actually, can it even be named? It's so huge, to the point it's beyond explaining. And that whole...thing....I love it, am terrified, humbled, and exhilarated by it.

'Til the next class, then.

Tiptoe-Teaching

Watched Pride and Prejudice with my mom last night, the newer adaptation with Keira Knightley. OhmyGod I was swooning and squealing all over the place. Good thing we were watching it over cable television--the few moments I watch television. Nice, nice, nice. I'd like to get my own Mr. Darcy, in the future, oh pretty please.

I've taught twice now--my first class with my studio director, which really was a blur, but amidst tons and tons of cotton stuffing in my head, and then my second class, this time at 6:30 am. 6:30. six. thirty. in. the morning. 6 frickin' 30?! Ugh. Woke up at 4 to prepare (having slept at 2 trying to review as much dialog as I could), then my director came by at 5:40 to bring me to the studio. Manila is a very car-dependent metropolis, having a lousy public transport system and little to no pedestrian areas. I miss that freedom I had when I was in Hawaii. Here, I don't drive, so I have to be chauffeured around. My studio director was nice enough to do it for me to go to class this week (well, he IS attending, also to listen to my dialog and see how I conduct myself as a teacher), but he said no more for next week. Understandable.

When we got to the studio, he told me when to turn on and shut off the heaters. Then he told me to keep my dialog because none of it would enter this late in the game. Ack. I was getting so nervous. I checked the sign-up sheet, and whereas I heard the night before I was to have 20 students, turns out I had 8, plus with my director, 9. I felt better, but still, I was nervous: I don't want to keep them hanging, I want to give them a good class. But anyway, the show must go on.

Class was 1 hour and 45 minutes, abouts. My students (formerly my peers, ohmygosh!) clapped for me as I ended Kapalabhati breathing. :) I forgot to say namaste as I left the room, and my fellow classmates-now-students ribbed me about it after. They also told me to breathe! ;) More professionally now, though, my studio director told me it was a 200% improvement from my 1st class with him (yey!) However, he said my voice was still uniform: gotta texturize. And teach with authority. He said to act it, then eventually embody it, which will come in time. Then I was mixing the hands with the feet. Again, dialog, dialog, dialog. AND keep the timing: look at my watch. But huge improvement, nonetheless.

My studio director taught class afterwards, a class I took, but aside from that, I haven't been practicing much, only twice so far this week--still so tired, and so worried about dialog (that I do everything else before it, go figure)! But I think next week, I should up my practice to at least 5 times a week already.

Did the monthly household groceries, which took a while, so gotta study now. I have less than 15 hours to tomorrow's class. Gotta focus on timing now, and of course, dialog, dialog, dialog: always.

Back Home

I've been home four days now, and it feels familiar but...different, like an old suit that doesn't fit quite right anymore. A lot has happened while I wasn't here, just as a lot happened to me while I was away.

So I'm back home--in tropical Manila. My books and various leftover unpacked stuff are still on the couch and other various spaces in my room. Still jetlagged, still tired, in my jammies 'til noon, that sort of thing. But even as I'm here, I wistfully recall the heat (from 105-145 ºF++ or 41-63ºC++), the sweat (all 300++ people's) and yes, even the stinky cat-piss carpet; the ubiquitous ABC stores, the delicious Hawaiian papayas, eating grapefruit like an orange--for the first time(!), Starbucks' soy chai lattés, loads of Japanese products to my heart's content--especially yomogi/kusa (mugwort) mochi/daifuku (with recipes when I get ambitious or desperate enough), and fresh bubble teas--none of those icky powdered stuff! I miss Bikram's humor and unpredictability, being able to walk almost everywhere, and the friends I made along the way.

Taught my first class yesterday, but only with my studio director, as the other teacher had backed out. But he (my studio director) said that's ok. Had a lot of spaces in between my dialog: a 1 hour 50 minute class!, but again he said that's pretty normal (?); however, he said for me to continue studying the dialog. Now I know what teachers meant when they said that the dialog is my best friend; it really should be--it's the only stable thing to rely on! I will continue to do mock classes next week, and hopefully by the week after next, I will be teaching bigger classes. Huh; then I took class with him afterward: right now, my back and thighs hurt like hell, haha.

Made a new account on FaceBook to connect to my fellow yogis, so I'm considering deleting my Friendster and/or MySpace, 'coz I believe that one can only properly manage so many accounts. Been playing with my dogs--God, how I missed that! and noticed that I'm not as physically stern with them, but even with less effort, they already follow my command. I also noticed I'm more assertive outside (whut). This is so weird. Perhaps Bikram really is right: we go home completely different people. Maybe not completely, but pretty much! Then on FaceBook, today's Horoscope read as such: "You've made quite a bit of progress toward an important goal, but you're really tempted to slip back into old patterns. Don't start backsliding now." Mustn't backslide. Must will to continue developing, continue practicing, continue teaching. As they say, the real training starts after training. Someone said, "It's called yoga practice, not yoga perfect." Indeed, the dialog is my real companion now.

Yoga Camp Starts Now

It is the Sunday before graduation. Posture Clinic finished last Friday, with one best student from each group delivering the dialog. I did mine Thursday night, because Friday was Talent Night and I felt I wouldn't be able to focus on both. So I opted to do dialog Thursday night, amidst fatigue and a splitting headache. People were going up and winging it; I was looking at the dialog while the teacher was saying, "All you have to do is look at the bodies and you'll know what to do; it doesn't matter if you don't know the dialog verbatim, what matters is the courage to go up there and deliver it and tell them what to do!" I felt I had to do it; this was it. And I did; I was the last one for the night. I was saying it from the back corner, then she [the teacher] told me to jump up and down, shake my hands then say it. I did and my voice got stronger, faster. I hardly said the whole dialog, but most of the keywords were there, and most importantly, I taught it confidently. At least that's what my friends said. Besides, the teacher said so, too. But I was shaking when it was over; but I was told that's good?! Though I'm glad I did; then I was able to focus on Talent Night! Fast forwarding to Talent Night, I sang Cynthia Alexander's Emptyhanded, and until yesterday, people were coming up to me and saying how beautiful the words were, how sweet my voice was, and how brave I was to go up there So I say thank you; I am just so glad it affected them the way it did; singing to me is to evoke emotion, to touch others. And so I hope I can do the same with teaching, but of course with more energy--soon. Had CPR training after our Saturday class with Craig, and the infamous Awkward Contest (I went as far as a minute, but that was it). So exhausted, have no idea why, but after going to the group barbecue, the group love won me over. Went dancing last night, as well--something I normally do NOT do. Surprisingly, I loved it, I think mostly because most of us fellow yogis were there, dancing even if we didn't know how to dance, but just for the pure joy of it, of life. And that made it wonderful. Sunday of Week 9 is upon us, before graduation, before going home, before we take our tentative steps into the pool of Bikram Teacherhood: the calm before the bubble breaks into reality. I'm savoring it for now.

Emptyhanded by Cynthia Alexander --Tuning: CGCGCD

Why, why do you worry? We are not born nor do we die; What is happening happens for the best, what will happen happens for the best
We have come emptyhanded, we will go emptyhanded
What have [you] lost that you are weeping; what have you found that you have lost? What have you built that has been broken? You have not anything
What you have, you got from here; what was given you, was given here; what you took, you took from here; what you gave, you gave unto here
We have come emptyhanded we will go emptyhanded, emptyhanded
Why, why toil for sorrow; and what have we to fear? What is happening happens for the best, what will happen happens for the best
We have come emptyhanded, we will go emptyhanded
What you have, you got from here; what was given you, was given here; what you took, you took from here; what you gave, you gave unto here
We have come emptyhanded we will go emptyhanded; we have come emptyhanded, we will go emptyhanded, we have come emptyhanded, we will go emptyhanded
Emptyhanded, emptyhanded

Week 8.5 and counting

It's officially Thursday but we just finished Wednesday, so-called "the hump of the week"--the hump of week 8 to week 9, ohmygosh! Still have two postures to memorize by Friday, specifically Head to Knee with Stretching later today and Spine Twist by tomorrow. Then there's Talent Night on Friday. I was only given four (4) minutes, so I can only sing one (1) song. By consensus, it's to be Cynthia Alexander's Emptyhanded. Oh Lordy Lord; give me strength to finish the dialog well and to sing the song with finesse! As Joel Pierre from Philly says, "Practice, practice, practice!" Besides, Bikram says "negative thoughts are nine times more powerful than positive thoughts," so gotta crank up all that positivity!

Also met Ren Soriano, one of the guys from HQ, who turns out to be a fellow Flip! As in he spent his first 15 years in Manila and was born there; I even know where he went to school! Coolness. Anyway, only Joani Nuñez from Houston and Kat Kelly-Chung from Columbia have responded about mentoring, though I'd prefer the former as she is one of the more senior teachers. But Ren, after listening to me during camel, said, "She's too sweet, like sampaguita." During the break, he said he has to train me to be more bitchy. (Fred's term for BITCH= Being in Total Control of Herself; niiice) Then he [Ron] said, " But how will I train you if you won't be in LA?" If there's a spot in HQ to do whatever, or even if I have to moonlight preferably in a bookstore, YES I want to go! It's LA: I have family and friends; it should be doable! Nothing's solid yet, though: gotta talk to Ren more, hopefully at a haircut session this Sunday, a bit $ of course; he's supposed to be very good, having trained with a certain Jonathan. Heck I know. But if this will help networking, then why not? As Bikram says, "You have nothing to lose; you had nothing to begin with." Indeed.

1.5 weeks to go. Breaking out, tired, but with a little care and with our happy smiling faces, we should emerge as butterflies, albeit at the bottom of the Bikram Yoga Totem Pole, but who knows, in time, slowly coming to the top. As group 1 says, "Ganbatte!" We can do it! We have no choice. Isn't that great? :)

Week 7, Represent!

So it's Week 7, soon to be Week 8: should I whoop or should I wail? But going back, I had my birthday the weekend of Week 5. It was great: I was the only one who had a birthday that day, and Rajashree read my name for everyone to sing happy birthday to--imagine 300+ people singing for you. It's a compendium of all the missed birthdays I had in school (my birthday would always be during summer vacation): so worth it. Then my parents also came over during the Thursday of Week 5, and the weekend when I was to practice Trikanasana! Of course I didn't practice it while I was with them. So I had to struggle to catch up with postures in week 6. But it was so great having them here, yet emotionally wrenching, too--seeing them arrive, and seeing them leave: it's tough. And partly because of that, or maybe mainly(!), Week 6 was THE rough week for me. The Monday of Week 6, after crying through class, losing control of my breath, then having to leave the room to use the loo FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME (I never leave the room!), I went up to discover my laundry that I had put in before class GONE. Hoo boy. So I cried some more. I told Mom and Dad, and they were so supportive, even buying me extra clothes! Plus this time away from them, I think it's made us value each other more; I actually, truly hugged my Dad for the first time, without reservation, when they visited. Plus I'm a bit more open to them now, revealing my emotions, my frantic side, that they never really see. Ok, I'm tearing again now (must be the yoga!), but Bikram's right: this teacher training will make us new persons, at the same time value our relationships especially with our families more. So Week 6 was tough: by losing that weekend intended for Triangle, etc. to time with my parents, I was constantly completely exhausted, plus lagging behind dialog to being one of the last to say it, really struggling to do it--well, of course: my inner super-critic wouldn't even let me try otherwise. So the weekend to Week 7, I decided to take it easy. Didn't go beyond errands, then went to the supermarket with a groupmate. On my way back, an odd thing happened: as I was passing our floor's laundry room, lo and behold, my missing clothes were there. Oh my God! What good fortune! Thank you, Lord! Then I had my first dinner with groupmates, and that was fun, having a first gossip session, as well! Girl power! Sunday, I took my hopefully last make-up class, then afterwards took my first nap for this entire training so far. An uncle and aunt just arrived from abroad so they took me under their wing for Sunday afternoon. Went to mass, too: Mom would be so relieved. So Week 7 rolled in better. Then Bikram started lecturing again for three nights, and those nights have been taking their toll. Dialog recitation has also been speeding up, and I've still been going up last...that is, until the climax of Cobra Pose. Everyone was required to do it and finish it by that afternoon. AND I WASN'T READY, at all. I wasn't able to do my memorization technique that day, so I was completely unprepared. Obvious or not, I hate being unprepared. I am Ms. Control Freak: I have to have at least something to hold on to. And this time, I was called to the bat. I was so scared and frantic I cried. But I had no choice. So I did it, and expectedly, my dialog was nowhere near perfect, but I did it. Our teacher-facilitator Joel from Philadelphia was especially great. He even corrected our postures hands-on and told us why it's wrong and how to correct ourselves. But after I delivered Cobra as best as I could, he told me I have good projection, so now I just have to practice the dialog and believe in myself. Ever since then, that sheer fear of ill-preparedness drove me to recite sooner, do what it takes! The next day, I went up during the middle, and Lynn Whitlow was our facilitator. She's great; I pray I can mentor with her when training is over. She told me to get loud, get crazy! But that's just hard. The night after, I delivered Dhanurasana, and I just freaked. Fred, the French facilitator told me, "Get out of your head; ask others for feedback then build on that." That inner critic which prevents me from even trying is kicking and screaming under a straitjacket. But I have to let it go, and say it with confidence. Today is now the close of Week 7. That's two weeks left to graduation (God-willing) and one week to sing in Talent Quest (of which I don't know why I signed up for)! Craig's teaching tomorrow, so gotta rest the quadriceps, yikes! Visiting teachers have especially given us better practices, and there are more coming. I still have the weekly stuff to do--groceries, laundry and whatnot, but I also finally said uncle and booked a massage: Lord knows I need it--tight hamstrings, shoulders and back. I'm also hoping to relax a bit and watch more Miyazaki. Though we've had one classmate, Denise, go home due to serious kidney disease, dialog-wise, we're at Half-Tortoise Pose, almost done! Hopefully all we can go to is up.

Week 3

It's May 6 already, the end of the 3rd week, and 13 days to my birthday! Eek! Memorizing the dialog has been über difficult, but I think I'm just really afraid, so gotta work on that triple time, aside from another Anatomy test for tomorrow. Tried talking to visiting teachers more, but so far, I guess it's too early to say: they're non-committal (on possible help for employment). It's been difficult waking up in the morning, sometimes just being on pure auto-pilot, sometimes not knowing my name (proverbially). Training's been getting harder and harder. We're now being made to memorize the dialog more intensively, but it's been tough, what with living arrangements--even if we live just a few floors on top. And I've never lived on my own and had to fend for myself from almost scratch, laundry and food especially. Food's been basically pre-cooked cold food, usually tofu salads, seaweed, and marinated vegetables, or frozen microwave-ready food, with fresh fruit on the side, and peanut butter in a pinch. On a lighter note, I can basically eat whatever I want, and just that. I've discovered ACAï, a berry from the Amazon richer in antioxidants than blueberries by at least 10 times! It's so good, I have at least one smoothie of it every week at the mall. They even have sherbets, but I still like the fresh smoothies best. And GOJI berries, another powerful antioxidant. Then there's BUBBLE TEA: I know the best place that DOESN'T USE POWDER. Also discovered KEFIR, something like yogurt. When I drink it for breakfast with cereal, ZHOOM I go to the loo. It's more effective to me than yogurt and doesn't hurt my stomach lining. There's also a blue cheese I found at the supermarket made from raw unpasteurized milk. It's the best blue cheese I've ever had, something like cambozola but rawer, sharper, and NOT SO SMELLY. But laundry. OhmyGOD laundry. Just think of a room with 320 sweaty people, and a sweaty carpet, in 100+ ºF heat, twice a day, everyday, with 1.5-2 hours max break after to eat, bathe, do laundry (otherwise the clothes will get infested with bacteria--I learned the hard way) before lectures until 1 or 1:30 am, to wake up at 6:30 am of the same day. And then we have to figure out when we can study in between. That doesn't even cover our emotional states, our hang-ups, our fears, our high potential for illness, our issues and concerns. But I'm just trying to trust the process.

Luke, one of our teacher-trainers, says it so eloquently:

blessings overflow

i had a few thoughts from my experience with you this week.

connection and attachment are definitely
not the same thing.

words with no peace mean nothing. peace with no words leave you little recourse with which to share as a teacher. please learn your dialogue. please be as willing to let go of it as you are to hold on to it. only
with that willingness comes proficiency, and ultimately mastery.

learning is like a baby kitten in this way. you cannot hold it too tight, or you will squeeze the life out of it.

asana is the same thing. you have to let it happen as much as you make it happen.

life is a really long asana.

it does not take a strong person to hold on to the roots and branches at
the edge of the river to keep from falling in. it takes a strong person
to let go and be willing to risk drowning for the sake of moving with
the flow.

please be willing to be someone you never imagined.

when you become that person, even if it took all of your blood and sweat and
tears and vomit, be ready to let go of it and become someone else.

understand that if you become something, it was always there anyways.

if you realize something, it is the same.

facts are all around you. truth is all inside of you. it is what you are made of. you just have to admit it.

you see in the world what you be in the world.

excuses keep us from doing things. inspiration gives us permission to do them anyways.

please embrace that which challenges you the most, as it is also what offers you the most.

it takes serious work to have fun sometimes.

power and force are easily attained and noticed. they are also as easily
lost. both combined are nothing compared to the immeasurable,inconceivable possibility of energy. energy is as infinite as your ability to imagine it. it is also as lasting.

energy is not a thing you have. energy is a choice you make.

it is never too late, too old, too sick, to make that choice.

every second holds the possibility of choice, and therefore the possibility of the infinite nature of energy.

the present self is the most empowered, energized version of oneself. the
present self is not dominated by the patterns of the past, nor the
fears of the future. the present self may find lessons in the past, and
embrace the potential and space the future holds, while still abiding
in the bliss that is what is happening now.

the ablest teacher of presence we have is our breathing.

at 3 am, sleep can be pretty great. almost as great as the moon i forsake the sleeping for.

namaste...

Indeed. Namaste.